Husband's beloved rural cabin makes me ill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of suggestions to renovate the cabin... I thought OP said his family owns it, not DH?

I don't consider adding a curtain rod and curtains in one room, and small room sized air cleaners that can be taken home if needed "renovating."
They don't have to be used by the other family members if they hate sleeping in and love mold.

Probably less than $300 at Walmart or Home Depot.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing your DH has great memories spending long lazy summers in the cabin with his family and wants to pass the nostalgia and sentiment on to you and the kids. He can look past the rusticness of it, his parents are probably too old/in denial to recognize or acknowledge the mold issue, and things are "just fine" they way they are.

Your dh thinks you being cranky about going to the cabin being bored, hating fishing and canoeing, and just your overall pouty outlook is a YOU problem . Resentment for both of you.

[Anonymous]

I guess you just aren't going to be a Lake Wobegon type of person. Maybe you could listen to past episodes of Garrison Keillor's "A Prairie Home Companion" to better get into the spirit of things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like Carrie on SATC when Aiden takes her to the country!!
HA.
But really: My husband's family owns a rural cabin in a very remote part of PA. There's nothing to do. When we were dating, I went along with it and pretended to be charmed. We lived across the country at the time and I thought, how bad could it be?

Well now we're back in the area and he wants to go there throughout the summer. It causes fights. There is a tiny bathroom without effective plumbing, but the main issue is mold -- there's something in the home that makes me wheeze and break out in hives on my neck and chest whenever I am inside and Nyquil or Benadryl doesn't touch it (or else just makes me sleep). There are no doors for the two small bedrooms and no shades so the light pours in at 5 a.m.

The only alternative to being inside is to spend all my time on a screen porch.

He takes the kids fly-fishing or canoeing, neither of which I do.

My issue is normally I just suck it up for a weekend in the summer but he really gets resentful and wants to go more. Next week, I am launching a massive initiative at work that a promotion depends on. I have spent the past month head down on it working weekends and nights sometimes. I want nothing more to spend a quiet Labor Day hanging with my family. DH is upset and wants to go to the log cabin. I said please, I just need a quiet weekend to regroup before my big event, can we do small trips close to home, and he's pissed off. Then he said fine I want to go, just stay home alone.
So basically I spent the weekend alone by myself or go to the cabin where I'll get no sleep due to my allergies.

WWYD

Does this mean that he has been more or less solo with the kids evenings and weekends for a month?

This weekend really isn’t about you. He probably needs to get out of the house and get the kids out of the house. I’m sorry that you are having to work so much, but it isn’t fair to ask him and the kids to hang around the house all weekend so that they can be available to hang out with you when you aren’t working or resting.
Go with them or stay at home, but don’t be resentful about it. You’ve been off working hard, and a quiet weekend at home sounds lovely, but they might be going stir crazy being at home, and another quiet weekend with no plans sounds like torture.

[Anonymous]

How is this even an issue? Just don't go to the cabin. If he wants to go, he takes the kids. Have fun!

[Anonymous]

You made a mistake by not being your true self when dating. He rightly is annoyed that you are not allowing him to enjoy the cabin with his family. Find another man who has the same extracurricular interests as you do and let your husband do the same.

[Anonymous]

OP

Why are you married to someone who takes you to a place where you get sick?

Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Yep this is OP's fault for not being honest when she married him. She tricked him into thinking she was different than she is and now that she's got the rock and anchor babies, she wants him to not resent her. I bet he realizes in a lot of ways she isn't who she portrayed herself to be when they were dating.

OP, take some Allegra and go to the cabin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like Carrie on SATC when Aiden takes her to the country!!
HA.
But really: My husband's family owns a rural cabin in a very remote part of PA. There's nothing to do. When we were dating, I went along with it and pretended to be charmed. We lived across the country at the time and I thought, how bad could it be?

Well now we're back in the area and he wants to go there throughout the summer. It causes fights. There is a tiny bathroom without effective plumbing, but the main issue is mold -- there's something in the home that makes me wheeze and break out in hives on my neck and chest whenever I am inside and Nyquil or Benadryl doesn't touch it (or else just makes me sleep). There are no doors for the two small bedrooms and no shades so the light pours in at 5 a.m.

The only alternative to being inside is to spend all my time on a screen porch.

He takes the kids fly-fishing or canoeing, neither of which I do.

My issue is normally I just suck it up for a weekend in the summer but he really gets resentful and wants to go more. Next week, I am launching a massive initiative at work that a promotion depends on. I have spent the past month head down on it working weekends and nights sometimes. I want nothing more to spend a quiet Labor Day hanging with my family. DH is upset and wants to go to the log cabin. I said please, I just need a quiet weekend to regroup before my big event, can we do small trips close to home, and he's pissed off. Then he said fine I want to go, just stay home alone.
So basically I spent the weekend alone by myself or go to the cabin where I'll get no sleep due to my allergies.

WWYD

Does this mean that he has been more or less solo with the kids evenings and weekends for a month?

This weekend really isn’t about you. He probably needs to get out of the house and get the kids out of the house. I’m sorry that you are having to work so much, but it isn’t fair to ask him and the kids to hang around the house all weekend so that they can be available to hang out with you when you aren’t working or resting.
Go with them or stay at home, but don’t be resentful about it. You’ve been off working hard, and a quiet weekend at home sounds lovely, but they might be going stir crazy being at home, and another quiet weekend with no plans sounds like torture.

This is an interesting way of looking at it I’m surprised it took nine pages to come up

[Anonymous]

*6

[Anonymous]

Maybe we could be friends. At my husband's family's PA cabin I get ticks (including one round of Lyme's), overheated, and am super bored too. It's also fun spotting snake skins in the cabin! Good times.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to consider your long game and be really really honest with yourself and DH. The cabin is rustic/uncomfortable to you, you are bored being there, everybody else is off fishing and you don't know how, and, dealbreaker in my mind, the place makes you physically ill. If DH were willing to clean up and update the cabin and it no longer caused hives, could you see yourself being happier there? Assuming the health issue cleared up, would you be able to enjoy nature, take up kayaking or some other easy-to-learn activity you could do alone or with the family? Could you make updates to make the place more comfortable and more your own? Or is this cabin going to make you miserable no matter what?

We have a rustic lake camp that has been in my DH's family for generations. A number of family members have ownership and there are many strongly held traditions and nobody can change anything without a vote. Over the years, a few children of the family have grown up and married spouses who dislike it and don't want to visit. Some of them also prevented their spouse and/or children from visiting. The kindest thing OP can do, if making improvements would not help her enjoy it, is to be honest and say "I know you love the cabin and it means a lot to you to spend time here, but I don't. I've tried for years and I don't see that changing, even if we did xyz to fix it up. However, I want you to still be able to go there and enjoy it, so you are welcome to go with family members or take the kids there without me." Refuse to go, but don't try to prevent his going. Enjoy the relief of not being there, and having the house to yourself!

For all the PPs complaining that the OP pretended to like the cabin initially, a lot of people do this early in a relationship. They appreciate that this place is important to their partner, even if it is not their bag; But years pass and eventually they realize spending a lot of time here is not going to work for them long-term. I can't blame her for that. But she needs to consider whether renovating could help, and if it won't, be honest now and going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep this is OP's fault for not being honest when she married him. She tricked him into thinking she was different than she is and now that she's got the rock and anchor babies, she wants him to not resent her. I bet he realizes in a lot of ways she isn't who she portrayed herself to be when they were dating.

OP, take some Allegra and go to the cabin.

Well this is certainly a dramatic take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made a mistake by not being your true self when dating. He rightly is annoyed that you are not allowing him to enjoy the cabin with his family. Find another man who has the same extracurricular interests as you do and let your husband do the same.

Are you legitimately suggesting someone initiate a divorce over a cabin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like Carrie on SATC when Aiden takes her to the country!!
HA.
But really: My husband's family owns a rural cabin in a very remote part of PA. There's nothing to do. When we were dating, I went along with it and pretended to be charmed. We lived across the country at the time and I thought, how bad could it be?

Well now we're back in the area and he wants to go there throughout the summer. It causes fights. There is a tiny bathroom without effective plumbing, but the main issue is mold -- there's something in the home that makes me wheeze and break out in hives on my neck and chest whenever I am inside and Nyquil or Benadryl doesn't touch it (or else just makes me sleep). There are no doors for the two small bedrooms and no shades so the light pours in at 5 a.m.

The only alternative to being inside is to spend all my time on a screen porch.

He takes the kids fly-fishing or canoeing, neither of which I do.

My issue is normally I just suck it up for a weekend in the summer but he really gets resentful and wants to go more. Next week, I am launching a massive initiative at work that a promotion depends on. I have spent the past month head down on it working weekends and nights sometimes. I want nothing more to spend a quiet Labor Day hanging with my family. DH is upset and wants to go to the log cabin. I said please, I just need a quiet weekend to regroup before my big event, can we do small trips close to home, and he's pissed off. Then he said fine I want to go, just stay home alone.
So basically I spent the weekend alone by myself or go to the cabin where I'll get no sleep due to my allergies.

WWYD

Does this mean that he has been more or less solo with the kids evenings and weekends for a month?

This weekend really isn’t about you. He probably needs to get out of the house and get the kids out of the house. I’m sorry that you are having to work so much, but it isn’t fair to ask him and the kids to hang around the house all weekend so that they can be available to hang out with you when you aren’t working or resting.
Go with them or stay at home, but don’t be resentful about it. You’ve been off working hard, and a quiet weekend at home sounds lovely, but they might be going stir crazy being at home, and another quiet weekend with no plans sounds like torture.

This is an interesting way of looking at it I’m surprised it took nine pages to come up

Ha ha ha ha ha, no. It's not surprising because of course he hasn't been solo with the kids evenings and weekends for a month. Come on.