Husband's beloved rural cabin makes me ill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in the position of your husband. And his lying about what he enjoyed but really didn't was the root of why he's now my ex. He eventually got tired of me continuing to act as though he liked doing all the things he'd faked and not letting him off the hook. I would never in a million years have dated him seriously had I known how he really felt about things that I value. I absolutely wanted to be a mom who took the kids kayaking and fishing and nurtured a love of nature and the outdoors in them. I never once hid that from him, and in fact I intentionally tested him on this several times before we got engaged. Had I known that he wasn't interested in that we wouldn't have lasted longer than a month. It's a huge turn off to me when somebody hates the outdoors.

I hope you realize that your rejection of the cabin activity is insulting to his family of origin. Do you not see how much of who he is is wrapped up in that cabin? If I were you, I'd have a real come to Jesus with myself. You're going to not only lose his affection for you, you're going to make it very clear to your kids what a stick in the mud prissy pants mother they have, and that cannot be good for you in the long run. It's bad enough that you foolishly lied. But don't continue your bad behavior by refusing to find a way to make this work. This is your chance to raise children who appreciate something that really matters to him. Don't blow it.

I actually just had a conversation with our fishing boat captain at the beach about a similar situation. He obviously loves being out on the water and loves to fish, but his wife doesn't. But he knew that about her from the beginning and chose to marry her anyhow. It certainly isn't a compromise I would make. But at least it's on him to live with his choice, and he gets that. You chose to marry a man who loves his musty rural cabin and kayaking, and who wants to share this with his own family. He didn't withhold any info about this from you. You knowingly accepted the man and his cabin. Even if you'd continued living across the country from this cabin, you had to know that outdoor activities would be a big part of your family life together. Don't even try to deny that. Now it's time for you to make good on your commitment to him and the life he offered you. You have absolutely no right to make him endure your pouting. Take it from me, it is almost certainly infuriating to him to see you act like that now and it's chipping away at his love for you. And don't for one minute think that there are not dozens of women who would love to have a man who wants to spend weekends with his wife and kids at a remote cabin. You can be replaced very easily and few people will think he was wrong to leave you, especially his family.

I do believe that something is causing you to have headaches and itchy eyes or whatever. But you need to have the cabin tested for mold and remediate any problems, and you need to have your doc work with you to find the right medication to stop the reactions. Good luck. You do realize that plenty of parents take medications so that their children can experience raising a cat or dog, right? Your allergies are not an excuse if you don't even try to control them.

Oh my god you are insane.

FYI, the number one strategy allergy doctors will tell you to do is avoidance. Meaning, do not spend your weekends in musty old cabins. Or around pets. Parents should not take medication just so their kid can have a dog. You are basically saying a parent should agree to have cold and cough and itchy eye symptoms so their kid can have dog. That’s crazy.

yes. this person sounds hysterical and is clearly just trying to justify this extreme opinions that she took in her own life (to divorce her spouse bc he doesn't want to kayak.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in the position of your husband. And his lying about what he enjoyed but really didn't was the root of why he's now my ex. He eventually got tired of me continuing to act as though he liked doing all the things he'd faked and not letting him off the hook. I would never in a million years have dated him seriously had I known how he really felt about things that I value. I absolutely wanted to be a mom who took the kids kayaking and fishing and nurtured a love of nature and the outdoors in them. I never once hid that from him, and in fact I intentionally tested him on this several times before we got engaged. Had I known that he wasn't interested in that we wouldn't have lasted longer than a month. It's a huge turn off to me when somebody hates the outdoors.

I hope you realize that your rejection of the cabin activity is insulting to his family of origin. Do you not see how much of who he is is wrapped up in that cabin? If I were you, I'd have a real come to Jesus with myself. You're going to not only lose his affection for you, you're going to make it very clear to your kids what a stick in the mud prissy pants mother they have, and that cannot be good for you in the long run. It's bad enough that you foolishly lied. But don't continue your bad behavior by refusing to find a way to make this work. This is your chance to raise children who appreciate something that really matters to him. Don't blow it.

I actually just had a conversation with our fishing boat captain at the beach about a similar situation. He obviously loves being out on the water and loves to fish, but his wife doesn't. But he knew that about her from the beginning and chose to marry her anyhow. It certainly isn't a compromise I would make. But at least it's on him to live with his choice, and he gets that. You chose to marry a man who loves his musty rural cabin and kayaking, and who wants to share this with his own family. He didn't withhold any info about this from you. You knowingly accepted the man and his cabin. Even if you'd continued living across the country from this cabin, you had to know that outdoor activities would be a big part of your family life together. Don't even try to deny that. Now it's time for you to make good on your commitment to him and the life he offered you. You have absolutely no right to make him endure your pouting. Take it from me, it is almost certainly infuriating to him to see you act like that now and it's chipping away at his love for you. And don't for one minute think that there are not dozens of women who would love to have a man who wants to spend weekends with his wife and kids at a remote cabin. You can be replaced very easily and few people will think he was wrong to leave you, especially his family.

I do believe that something is causing you to have headaches and itchy eyes or whatever. But you need to have the cabin tested for mold and remediate any problems, and you need to have your doc work with you to find the right medication to stop the reactions. Good luck. You do realize that plenty of parents take medications so that their children can experience raising a cat or dog, right? Your allergies are not an excuse if you don't even try to control them.

Oh my god you are insane.

FYI, the number one strategy allergy doctors will tell you to do is avoidance. Meaning, do not spend your weekends in musty old cabins. Or around pets. Parents should not take medication just so their kid can have a dog. You are basically saying a parent should agree to have cold and cough and itchy eye symptoms so their kid can have dog. That’s crazy.

yes. this person sounds hysterical and is clearly just trying to justify this extreme opinions that she took in her own life (to divorce her spouse bc he doesn't want to kayak.)

+1 The long post above is either by the most oblivious, perspective-free, self-focused poster ever, or the most subtle and accomplished troll ever. What humorless intensity and what classic projection of her own issues into OP's situation. And that PP apparently decided that her ex's failure to Love The Outdoors enough was THE reason to dump him. Guess he had zero other qualities, at all, she could find remotely interesting. If she's real, she's truly a one-note person. The outdoors or bust!

And the epically dramatic writing!

"Insulting to his family of origin"
"Make good on your commitment to him and the life he offered you"
"You knowingly accepted the man and his cabin"
"Few people will think he was wrong to leave you" ...and so on.

That PP sounds like she's panting to meet the OP's husband somehow and show him she will cherish every moldy, reeking, sun-fried inch of his idyllic cabin. She knowingly accepts the man and his cabin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is allergic to everything. We always travel with a HEPA machine to clean the air. Run it 24/7. It helps. Also you should see an allergist. When things are really bad for my DH he starts stacking his allergy meds. Worst case scenario is Claritin D 24 hour plus Singulaire. He also has special eye drops.

[Maybe he's allergic to you, LOL ]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a building was making my spouse sick we wouldn’t be going there.

+a million. Thank you. OP your spouse is being a jerk. Get the house cleaned and eradicate all the mold before you go back. And maintain it. This takes money, but it is either that or not go. You don't want your kids breathing in mold, do you??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may not be the cabin and maybe the area like others have said.
I feel like I'm allergic to the state of Kentucky. I have no allergies whatsoever but the second that I've stepped foot in that state my eyes swell shut and I can't breathe until we leave.

Hahaha! That is not surprising at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"IMO, if he wants a rural property, fine. But then shell out the money to buy something nice, with AC and doors (!) and all the other stuff. Dont force everyone into a mold infested, rotting old cabin with no doors just because you grew up going ther"

Exactly where in her post did OP say anything to give you the impression that she would want for them to buy a different rural cabin? She outright said she doesn't want to kayak or do other outdoors activities, and that just being in the outdoors triggers her allergies. She doesn't find visiting a "boring" rural cabin to be fun or appealing in any way. But note that she says that now, after she tricked the husband into thinking she liked that sort of thing. She presented herself as a woman who enjoyed the outdoors and but now wants to make him to forego his cabin trips and instead stay in the city with her. Someone above said it clearly when they called this a bait and switch. I wouldn't be surprised if there are lots of other things she pretended to like when they were dating.

What I find fascinating is that she doesn't seem to want to own up to the fact that she married a man she doesn't really like. Or maybe she just doesn't want to face he consequences of that choice? It looks like he told her loud and clear that he loved that cabin and the activities one does at a cabin, and she lied to herself about wanting a man who is into that sort of thing.

Next time someone asks in the Relationships Forum about questions to ask/flags to look for in a potential spouse, this one needs to go on the list. And people of any gender need to stop posing and pretending to be something they're not while dating. It doesn't do anybody any favors to lie while dating because the truth will come out eventually. It's hard enough to determine whether you've picking the right life partner without someone actively concealing things.

Drama-lama.

Did you read the OP? She said they used to live across the country. So i would imagine that going out to the cabin once a year for a few days was not such an issue. Later, WHEN THEY MOVED CLOSER, she realized she can't go there all the time, every weekend and spend much more time than she used to.

Should she have forecasted that she MAY need to go visit this cabin more often when the setup was different?? Things and circumstances change all the time, we just can't predict and preplan everything in life.

[Anonymous]

Married couples SHOULDN'T do everything together.
He loves the lake house, you hate it. No big deal.
He should go there, alternate with and without the kids or even split up the kids sometimes to get some one on one time with them.
- married 20+ years with 4 kids

[Anonymous]

I agree that married couples shouldn't have to do everything together. But this post belongs over in the Relationships forum. The problem she's got is that she lied to her boyfriend and married him under false pretenses, and now he's expecting her to live up to what she claimed to be. Or maybe she should be posting in Home Improvement to figure out how to make it less dusty. But no matter what, she has offered nothing to back up her assertion that this place is a dump.

Why are people here believing that everything is as she's presenting it, and not asking about "the other side" of things? I bet that if we saw that cabin, it would be the type of weekend getaway place that most of us wish we had during COVID. The screened porch in the woods sounds amazing to me. And get real, if it's got a screened porch, it's not a dilapidated one-room shack. She's just making up excuses to avoid it. If after several years of visiting this place she hasn't packed an eye mask so the sun doesn't wake her up, she's the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that married couples shouldn't have to do everything together. But this post belongs over in the Relationships forum. The problem she's got is that she lied to her boyfriend and married him under false pretenses, and now he's expecting her to live up to what she claimed to be. Or maybe she should be posting in Home Improvement to figure out how to make it less dusty. But no matter what, she has offered nothing to back up her assertion that this place is a dump.

Why are people here believing that everything is as she's presenting it, and not asking about "the other side" of things? I bet that if we saw that cabin, it would be the type of weekend getaway place that most of us wish we had during COVID. The screened porch in the woods sounds amazing to me. And get real, if it's got a screened porch, it's not a dilapidated one-room shack. She's just making up excuses to avoid it. If after several years of visiting this place she hasn't packed an eye mask so the sun doesn't wake her up, she's the problem.

Because we've all, at some point in our lives, been in a cabin that smells moldy and musty and are flabbergasted that the owners keep it that way instead of dealing with the problem. We've all seen places that make us go WTF so we can totally believe it's real. That said the lack of window treatments is easy to fix and it it truly bothered OP as much as she says, I suspect she'd show up with blackout curtains, a rod and a drill and put her husband to work hanging them. Most of the problems sound fixable with some effort and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that married couples shouldn't have to do everything together. But this post belongs over in the Relationships forum. The problem she's got is that she lied to her boyfriend and married him under false pretenses, and now he's expecting her to live up to what she claimed to be. Or maybe she should be posting in Home Improvement to figure out how to make it less dusty. But no matter what, she has offered nothing to back up her assertion that this place is a dump.

Why are people here believing that everything is as she's presenting it, and not asking about "the other side" of things? I bet that if we saw that cabin, it would be the type of weekend getaway place that most of us wish we had during COVID. The screened porch in the woods sounds amazing to me. And get real, if it's got a screened porch, it's not a dilapidated one-room shack. She's just making up excuses to avoid it. If after several years of visiting this place she hasn't packed an eye mask so the sun doesn't wake her up, she's the problem.

Why doubt the poster? No need to cross-examine.
Also many teeny cabins have porches...?

[Anonymous]

In the first time of the history of DCUM we aren't going to question the OP. Right.

---"Why doubt the poster? No need to cross-examine.
Also many teeny cabins have porches...?"----

[Anonymous]

Does the fact that she hasn't show back up tell you anything? It should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that married couples shouldn't have to do everything together. But this post belongs over in the Relationships forum. The problem she's got is that she lied to her boyfriend and married him under false pretenses, and now he's expecting her to live up to what she claimed to be. Or maybe she should be posting in Home Improvement to figure out how to make it less dusty. But no matter what, she has offered nothing to back up her assertion that this place is a dump.

Why are people here believing that everything is as she's presenting it, and not asking about "the other side" of things? I bet that if we saw that cabin, it would be the type of weekend getaway place that most of us wish we had during COVID. The screened porch in the woods sounds amazing to me. And get real, if it's got a screened porch, it's not a dilapidated one-room shack. She's just making up excuses to avoid it. If after several years of visiting this place she hasn't packed an eye mask so the sun doesn't wake her up, she's the problem.

I mean why do we believe OP is real at all? For all we know “she” could be a 500 pound guy living in his mom’s basement in rural Pennsylvania. Maybe he wrote this post about a hypothetical wife who would hate the type of house he lives in to make himself feel better about being single? What about that perspective?

What if this entire site is simply a creative writing exercise to explore the domestic reality of late stage capitalism?