Grooming = cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^look if I thought there was a possibility of cheating, I’m thinking of MY HEALTH. I’m not planning how to seduce my spouse. I’m thinking I don’t want to catch some dreadful STI. I always would investigate any possibility of cheating if there were signs for thus very big reason.

I’m shocked at those that suggest burying head in sand anytime somebody has concerns a spouse may be cheating.

It’s like you’re trying to hard sell that for yourself. Women trim for comfort more often than for others. People have been egging the cheating angle on to wind you up. If you think this little of your wife there are much larger problems than sex.

Just honesty. Grooming was a major sign that I only noticed after the affair was discovered. Looking back, it was obvious as h@ll. The hair he said bothered him when wearing workout shirts was really the hair he wanted removed for his new AP.

I thought cyber would be very blatant signs of the man I had been with 20 years was cheating. There were basically none. Why question “I’m heading to the gym” or “I have to run into the Office for a few hours” when nothing seems out of the ordinary otherwise.

After talking to others, I find so many were completely blindsided.

My therapist said “the number one risk factor for your partner to cheat or have an affair is thinking that they would never do that.” Never in a million years did i think mine would have. It didn’t seem in his character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

"I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares." This.

Do people really groom their public hair for a doctor's appointment? Especially during COVID, I've truly come to embrace the mentality of "alright, I'm here" as being more than sufficient for most things.

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to go into details, but it's more hygienic and cuts down on odor, so maybe she read that somewhere and tried it.

Wrong. Women with less pubic hair are more prone to infections. Hair has a biological purpose.

Wrong. Women with less pubic hair get laid more, so their chances rise. Women who aren't getting laid don't bother with that, because why would they.

Strippers, porn stars, hookers, everyday sluts and professional escorts are always clean-shaven. So you are correct that women with less pubic hair are getting laid more, and many are getting paid for it. These populations often have more infections.

Wow, guy here and you are just oozing with misogyny. WTF is an "everyday slut." A typical woman you can't get because you have no game at all? Keeping it shaved, trimmed, or waxed has been pretty common among women for decades now. Not just those in the business and you have no idea of the sex lives of any of them.

[Anonymous]

If true, this is kinda sad. She trims down for her OB but not for you? You get the eye roll and sex in the dark while she rejects oral from you?

As for cheating, you gave her a hall pass when you brought up opening the marriage. She doesn't have to play by your assumed rules if she takes you up on it. Be careful what you wish for. She may actually like the idea, but only for herself.

[Anonymous]

Man. Stop projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If true, this is kinda sad. She trims down for her OB but not for you? You get the eye roll and sex in the dark while she rejects oral from you?

As for cheating, you gave her a hall pass when you brought up opening the marriage. She doesn't have to play by your assumed rules if she takes you up on it. Be careful what you wish for. She may actually like the idea, but only for herself.

She initiated sex. When she’s not into it. What a horrible woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to go into details, but it's more hygienic and cuts down on odor, so maybe she read that somewhere and tried it.

Wrong. Women with less pubic hair are more prone to infections. Hair has a biological purpose.

Wrong. Women with less pubic hair get laid more, so their chances rise. Women who aren't getting laid don't bother with that, because why would they.

Strippers, porn stars, hookers, everyday sluts and professional escorts are always clean-shaven. So you are correct that women with less pubic hair are getting laid more, and many are getting paid for it. These populations often have more infections.

Wow, guy here and you are just oozing with misogyny. WTF is an "everyday slut." A typical woman you can't get because you have no game at all? Keeping it shaved, trimmed, or waxed has been pretty common among women for decades now. Not just those in the business and you have no idea of the sex lives of any of them.

one that sleeps around behind her husband's back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^look if I thought there was a possibility of cheating, I’m thinking of MY HEALTH. I’m not planning how to seduce my spouse. I’m thinking I don’t want to catch some dreadful STI. I always would investigate any possibility of cheating if there were signs for thus very big reason.

I’m shocked at those that suggest burying head in sand anytime somebody has concerns a spouse may be cheating.

It’s like you’re trying to hard sell that for yourself. Women trim for comfort more often than for others. People have been egging the cheating angle on to wind you up. If you think this little of your wife there are much larger problems than sex.

Just honesty. Grooming was a major sign that I only noticed after the affair was discovered. Looking back, it was obvious as h@ll. The hair he said bothered him when wearing workout shirts was really the hair he wanted removed for his new AP.

I thought cyber would be very blatant signs of the man I had been with 20 years was cheating. There were basically none. Why question “I’m heading to the gym” or “I have to run into the Office for a few hours” when nothing seems out of the ordinary otherwise.

After talking to others, I find so many were completely blindsided.

My therapist said “the number one risk factor for your partner to cheat or have an affair is thinking that they would never do that.” Never in a million years did i think mine would have. It didn’t seem in his character.

This. The marriage sounds completely dysfunctional at this point...and many have cheated without even this high level of dysfunction.

You don't communicate with each other. You both agree the sex and spark is gone. You have repeatedly brought up opening the relationship. She hasn't had sex with you in months...and then you starts grooming her beaver for the first time while giving you a 'sympathy f*ck' in the dark only. This really raises a ton of issues which is why I don't think the people suggesting either cheating or going to get an STI test at the gyn to show the married men she is chatting with on Ashley Madison (or already has contracted one--hence laying off sex with you for awhile) is not far-fetched at all. People sometimes cheat in good marriages while still having an active sex life with their spouse. OP, your marriage is ripe for an affair. Get into counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to go into details, but it's more hygienic and cuts down on odor, so maybe she read that somewhere and tried it.

Wrong. Women with less pubic hair are more prone to infections. Hair has a biological purpose.

Wrong. Women with less pubic hair get laid more, so their chances rise. Women who aren't getting laid don't bother with that, because why would they.

Strippers, porn stars, hookers, everyday sluts and professional escorts are always clean-shaven. So you are correct that women with less pubic hair are getting laid more, and many are getting paid for it. These populations often have more infections.

Wow, guy here and you are just oozing with misogyny. WTF is an "everyday slut." A typical woman you can't get because you have no game at all? Keeping it shaved, trimmed, or waxed has been pretty common among women for decades now. Not just those in the business and you have no idea of the sex lives of any of them.

one that sleeps around behind her husband's back.

That definitely qualifies

[Anonymous]

The framework many of you are operating from is so dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

[Anonymous]

^ we are doing virtual counseling during Covid. I’m not a fan of virtual but it’s better than nothing.

Almost all therapists are only currently doing virtual sessions.

What are her reasons for not doing counseling during Covid? Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

If you start banging someone else her libido will return 10-fold and she will have hysterical bonding. She will find new attraction and desire. It’s weird but the couples I know that made it had this happen upon cheating discovery. It’s a risk it could back fire but it could also be the kick in the ass she needs to see you are serious that her lack of desire is going to end the marriage. You then look more attractive in her eyes.

[Anonymous]

Oddly, those same women your wife speaks of find their libido for someone else when they start cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

"I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares." This.

Do people really groom their public hair for a doctor's appointment? Especially during COVID, I've truly come to embrace the mentality of "alright, I'm here" as being more than sufficient for most things.

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot.

All of this. Also, she may have rolled her eyes because it’s just so predictable that you find a hairless kitty hot. You’ve been conditioned to by rampant porn consumption.