Grooming = cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know,op. Sounds like she initiated and wanted to surprise/please you. She needs encouragement, not accusations of cheating. You're about to blow up your marriage for flawed suspicions

This.

She groomed for you and expected a reaction. You blew it.

I groom extra short when I expect oral.

OP here, she doesn't like oral anymore. Used to love it. Yes, we aren't in a good spot, but she insists she's happy or at least content. I know it's hard to fathom, I am not happy with this and as you could see I would find it far better to be cheated on than denied

Dude, I’m fairly certain she is cheating.

But if I have told her repeatedly I am open to non-monogamy, why wouldn't she be honest? Maybe you are right and I am a sucker

Um, that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Agree. Hearing your spouse wants to have sex with others is soul crushing. You want to be loved by your spouse more than anyone in the world and for most women, sex=love. What she’s hearing is: you don’t love me completely...and you certainly don’t love me the way I love you.

Worse, she thinks: I AM NOT ENOUGH

That causes somebody’s heart to grow cold. It causes you to fall out of love. To just not care.

I got like your wife for awhile after my spouse became rather arrogant and demanding. I WAH and did so much of the kid stuff that I was bone tired. He would come home late, miss us as I went out the door to drive to sports practices (after cooking and feeding them an early dinner), I’d get home close to 9pm, do the nighttime stuff...finally eat dinner with him and fall into bed. He worked out while we were gone, was relaxed and then resentful when I was too tired.

My resentment built and built until I really didn’t like his touch anymore. On weekends, he was ready to party and play the part of Mr Social and always wanted more, more, more when I needed to recharge. It was exhausting.

I just turned inside. I focused on the kids and watched as grew more entitled and more of a grandiose prick with our friends.

That’s how I ended up like your wife. The more he put me down for having no libido, being asexual, etc. the worse it got and the more depressed I got.

So you have a bad partner man baby husband and no wonder you don’t want sex with him! You promptly divorced that azzhat jerkface prick right? So a happy ending right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know,op. Sounds like she initiated and wanted to surprise/please you. She needs encouragement, not accusations of cheating. You're about to blow up your marriage for flawed suspicions

This.

She groomed for you and expected a reaction. You blew it.

I groom extra short when I expect oral.

OP here, she doesn't like oral anymore. Used to love it. Yes, we aren't in a good spot, but she insists she's happy or at least content. I know it's hard to fathom, I am not happy with this and as you could see I would find it far better to be cheated on than denied

Dude, I’m fairly certain she is cheating.

But if I have told her repeatedly I am open to non-monogamy, why wouldn't she be honest? Maybe you are right and I am a sucker

Um, that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Agree. Hearing your spouse wants to have sex with others is soul crushing. You want to be loved by your spouse more than anyone in the world and for most women, sex=love. What she’s hearing is: you don’t love me completely...and you certainly don’t love me the way I love you.

Worse, she thinks: I AM NOT ENOUGH

That causes somebody’s heart to grow cold. It causes you to fall out of love. To just not care.

I got like your wife for awhile after my spouse became rather arrogant and demanding. I WAH and did so much of the kid stuff that I was bone tired. He would come home late, miss us as I went out the door to drive to sports practices (after cooking and feeding them an early dinner), I’d get home close to 9pm, do the nighttime stuff...finally eat dinner with him and fall into bed. He worked out while we were gone, was relaxed and then resentful when I was too tired.

My resentment built and built until I really didn’t like his touch anymore. On weekends, he was ready to party and play the part of Mr Social and always wanted more, more, more when I needed to recharge. It was exhausting.

I just turned inside. I focused on the kids and watched as grew more entitled and more of a grandiose prick with our friends.

That’s how I ended up like your wife. The more he put me down for having no libido, being asexual, etc. the worse it got and the more depressed I got.

This all makes sense except this part - for women, sex=love.
OP will never be able to revive the connection

[Anonymous]

There are basically two types of people. Those who see sex as a legitimate need and those who see it as a nice thing to have if the marriage is going well. Everything else is noise.

OP you are in the first camp, your wife is in the second. Of course she doesn't want to open the marriage, it's more headache for her. Of course you do, you love the idea of sex and miss it.

Divorce, cheat, sacrifice your happiness for family stability. These situations never recover. As a PP said, therapy only puts more pressure on her and will backfire. She's done having sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a pandemic going on. No one is cheating with people they are not bubbling with.

She is bored and tried out something new. Are you always so narrow minded and suspicious.

OP here, I am not narrow minded. In fact, I have raised the idea of exploring non-monogamy because I don't see the situation as sustainable long-term. But anyway, I wouldn't have been suspicious if she mentioned it as a "hey honey" but more that I found it. Zero chance she did it to spice things up.

You are half right. Yes: the situation is not sustainable. No: she does not get to vote on your non-monogamy solution to her uninterested-sexless problem. If she’s not on board with a normal active sex life, simply declare your marriage open. Asexuals cannot have fidelity when partnered with a normal person.

Sounds like OP's wife has already declared it open... for her. Come on now. No one grooms for themselves.

I do? Sexless marriage (DH not into it) I still randomly groom. Just makes me feel more attractive even though I have no intention of cheating/meeting someone during covid and my DH will never even look

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a pandemic going on. No one is cheating with people they are not bubbling with.

She is bored and tried out something new. Are you always so narrow minded and suspicious.

OP here, I am not narrow minded. In fact, I have raised the idea of exploring non-monogamy because I don't see the situation as sustainable long-term. But anyway, I wouldn't have been suspicious if she mentioned it as a "hey honey" but more that I found it. Zero chance she did it to spice things up.

You are half right. Yes: the situation is not sustainable. No: she does not get to vote on your non-monogamy solution to her uninterested-sexless problem. If she’s not on board with a normal active sex life, simply declare your marriage open. Asexuals cannot have fidelity when partnered with a normal person.

Sounds like OP's wife has already declared it open... for her. Come on now. No one grooms for themselves.

I do? Sexless marriage (DH not into it) I still randomly groom. Just makes me feel more attractive even though I have no intention of cheating/meeting someone during covid and my DH will never even look

Shit, just read my own post above. This is so pathetic... fwiw we are in therapy, next step is me asking for open marriage and if he refuses then considering divorce when kids are a bit older

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, PP. A lot of us in the same situation and only those who walk a mile in this sadness understand. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a pandemic going on. No one is cheating with people they are not bubbling with.

She is bored and tried out something new. Are you always so narrow minded and suspicious.

OP here, I am not narrow minded. In fact, I have raised the idea of exploring non-monogamy because I don't see the situation as sustainable long-term. But anyway, I wouldn't have been suspicious if she mentioned it as a "hey honey" but more that I found it. Zero chance she did it to spice things up.

You are half right. Yes: the situation is not sustainable. No: she does not get to vote on your non-monogamy solution to her uninterested-sexless problem. If she’s not on board with a normal active sex life, simply declare your marriage open. Asexuals cannot have fidelity when partnered with a normal person.

Sounds like OP's wife has already declared it open... for her. Come on now. No one grooms for themselves.

I do? Sexless marriage (DH not into it) I still randomly groom. Just makes me feel more attractive even though I have no intention of cheating/meeting someone during covid and my DH will never even look

Shit, just read my own post above. This is so pathetic... fwiw we are in therapy, next step is me asking for open marriage and if he refuses then considering divorce when kids are a bit older

You don’t need to “ask” for an open marriage, just inform your sexless husband. A sexless spouse cannot “refuse” your pursuit of normal sexual needs elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a pandemic going on. No one is cheating with people they are not bubbling with.

She is bored and tried out something new. Are you always so narrow minded and suspicious.

OP here, I am not narrow minded. In fact, I have raised the idea of exploring non-monogamy because I don't see the situation as sustainable long-term. But anyway, I wouldn't have been suspicious if she mentioned it as a "hey honey" but more that I found it. Zero chance she did it to spice things up.

You are half right. Yes: the situation is not sustainable. No: she does not get to vote on your non-monogamy solution to her uninterested-sexless problem. If she’s not on board with a normal active sex life, simply declare your marriage open. Asexuals cannot have fidelity when partnered with a normal person.

Sounds like OP's wife has already declared it open... for her. Come on now. No one grooms for themselves.

I do? Sexless marriage (DH not into it) I still randomly groom. Just makes me feel more attractive even though I have no intention of cheating/meeting someone during covid and my DH will never even look

Shit, just read my own post above. This is so pathetic... fwiw we are in therapy, next step is me asking for open marriage and if he refuses then considering divorce when kids are a bit older

You don’t need to “ask” for an open marriage, just inform your sexless husband. A sexless spouse cannot “refuse” your pursuit of normal sexual needs elsewhere.

Yes, they can. They can say it is unacceptable and it is not an option. They can say divorce instead. I asked to consider an open marriage. He said no. He said divorce. I wanted a divorce anyway. Many spouses will not agree so if you open that conversation, be prepared to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a pandemic going on. No one is cheating with people they are not bubbling with.

She is bored and tried out something new. Are you always so narrow minded and suspicious.

OP here, I am not narrow minded. In fact, I have raised the idea of exploring non-monogamy because I don't see the situation as sustainable long-term. But anyway, I wouldn't have been suspicious if she mentioned it as a "hey honey" but more that I found it. Zero chance she did it to spice things up.

You are half right. Yes: the situation is not sustainable. No: she does not get to vote on your non-monogamy solution to her uninterested-sexless problem. If she’s not on board with a normal active sex life, simply declare your marriage open. Asexuals cannot have fidelity when partnered with a normal person.

Sounds like OP's wife has already declared it open... for her. Come on now. No one grooms for themselves.

I do? Sexless marriage (DH not into it) I still randomly groom. Just makes me feel more attractive even though I have no intention of cheating/meeting someone during covid and my DH will never even look

Shit, just read my own post above. This is so pathetic... fwiw we are in therapy, next step is me asking for open marriage and if he refuses then considering divorce when kids are a bit older

You don’t need to “ask” for an open marriage, just inform your sexless husband. A sexless spouse cannot “refuse” your pursuit of normal sexual needs elsewhere.

Yes, they can. They can say it is unacceptable and it is not an option. They can say divorce instead. I asked to consider an open marriage. He said no. He said divorce. I wanted a divorce anyway. Many spouses will not agree so if you open that conversation, be prepared to divorce.

Umm No they cannot. THEY can file for divorce if the new terms aren’t something they want. But just as as are not entitled to sex from a spouse who has lost interest, neither are they entitled to fidelity from a spouse who has lost interest. It’s only reasonable that the abnormal non sexual must be the one to file and leave.