Grooming = cheating?

[Anonymous]

Op, it sounds like you’re desperate for this to be true so you can pursue non monogamy.

I’m hearing the two of you were disconnected for a bit (totally normal during this time..), that you both managed to reconnect sexually on some level, she changed her personal habits up (for whatever reason- you could ASK her, or tell her you noticed and enjoyed) , and now you’re critical of her.


Grow up, man. Not everyone operates like you. Have a damn conversation with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, do I ask her? Our sex life is hanging by a thread as is, and the last thing I need is tension about this. I have zero desire to play sleuth, sounds exhausting.

I would like to know if she is cheating or planning to leave so I can plan accordingly

Omg. You are an ass.

[Anonymous]

Grooming = Grooming

There is no spoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Guy : Is this a thing now? Most women in my age group do it (45+), at least the ones I’ve hooked up with post divorce. But my ex didn’t

Is what a thing? Grooming? Yes, most women shave or wax it all off because men expect it due to porn. I am mid-50s, btw and I do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, it sounds like you’re desperate for this to be true so you can pursue non monogamy.

I’m hearing the two of you were disconnected for a bit (totally normal during this time..), that you both managed to reconnect sexually on some level, she changed her personal habits up (for whatever reason- you could ASK her, or tell her you noticed and enjoyed) , and now you’re critical of her.


Grow up, man. Not everyone operates like you. Have a damn conversation with your wife.

OP here, FWIW we have not been disconnected for a bit, we have had sex about 6 times in last 14 months and before that was 1-2x a month in a good month. Been a slow decline for more than a decade.

I think you are right to some extend, I am not desperate for it to be true but I am desperate to change the status quo. She has always been the one rejecting me and hasn't shown any interest since the one time I "found" this. Anyway, I will ask her and report back.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, it sounds like you’re desperate for this to be true so you can pursue non monogamy.

I’m hearing the two of you were disconnected for a bit (totally normal during this time..), that you both managed to reconnect sexually on some level, she changed her personal habits up (for whatever reason- you could ASK her, or tell her you noticed and enjoyed) , and now you’re critical of her.


Grow up, man. Not everyone operates like you. Have a damn conversation with your wife.

OP here, FWIW we have not been disconnected for a bit, we have had sex about 6 times in last 14 months and before that was 1-2x a month in a good month. Been a slow decline for more than a decade.

I think you are right to some extend, I am not desperate for it to be true but I am desperate to change the status quo. She has always been the one rejecting me and hasn't shown any interest since the one time I "found" this. Anyway, I will ask her and report back.....

So, when you had sex after three months, how did it happen? Was it spontaneous or planned?

I think you dropped the ball by not commenting on the grooming at the time. Not in an accusatory way, of course.

[Anonymous]

You are half right. Yes: the situation is not sustainable. No: she does not get to vote on your non-monogamy solution to her uninterested-sexless problem. If she’s not on board with a normal active sex life, simply declare your marriage open. Asexuals cannot have fidelity when partnered with a normal person.

You again (and again and again and again). You are so tiresome. Please go crawl in a hole or under your covers or something and stop posting here. Yiu add nothing to the discussion because you repeat the same thing in literally every thread/scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, it sounds like you’re desperate for this to be true so you can pursue non monogamy.

I’m hearing the two of you were disconnected for a bit (totally normal during this time..), that you both managed to reconnect sexually on some level, she changed her personal habits up (for whatever reason- you could ASK her, or tell her you noticed and enjoyed) , and now you’re critical of her.


Grow up, man. Not everyone operates like you. Have a damn conversation with your wife.

OP here, FWIW we have not been disconnected for a bit, we have had sex about 6 times in last 14 months and before that was 1-2x a month in a good month. Been a slow decline for more than a decade.

I think you are right to some extend, I am not desperate for it to be true but I am desperate to change the status quo. She has always been the one rejecting me and hasn't shown any interest since the one time I "found" this. Anyway, I will ask her and report back.....

So, when you had sex after three months, how did it happen? Was it spontaneous or planned?

I think you dropped the ball by not commenting on the grooming at the time. Not in an accusatory way, of course.

In retrospect, it was planned by her, in that we watched a movie on the weekend after kids went to be and then she suggested it. I thought about mentioning it at the time but I was afraid to say something in case she got defensive. Yes, I know its a screwed up scenario but unless you have been in a sexless or near sexless marriage, you have no idea how screwed up intimacy becomes. Especially when you had a great sexual relationship for years that was unilaterally ended by one person and stayed down despite years of efforts. Also, she will only have sex in the dark so it's not something I can see but you can feel the difference.

[Anonymous]

DW typical gets a partial wax and trim, in covid times that hasn't been happening. So every few weeks she trims on her own. Could something similar be the case?

[Anonymous]

A SAHM with kids doing DL is somehow finding time to have sex with someone else? And your only clue is a change in grooming habits? How on earth would that work? You think she’s sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night or something? I swear, op, if my dh came to me with that story and those questions, my head would explode. Both at the lack of trust, and the sheer stupidity of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, it sounds like you’re desperate for this to be true so you can pursue non monogamy.

I’m hearing the two of you were disconnected for a bit (totally normal during this time..), that you both managed to reconnect sexually on some level, she changed her personal habits up (for whatever reason- you could ASK her, or tell her you noticed and enjoyed) , and now you’re critical of her.


Grow up, man. Not everyone operates like you. Have a damn conversation with your wife.

OP here, FWIW we have not been disconnected for a bit, we have had sex about 6 times in last 14 months and before that was 1-2x a month in a good month. Been a slow decline for more than a decade.

I think you are right to some extend, I am not desperate for it to be true but I am desperate to change the status quo. She has always been the one rejecting me and hasn't shown any interest since the one time I "found" this. Anyway, I will ask her and report back.....

So, when you had sex after three months, how did it happen? Was it spontaneous or planned?

I think you dropped the ball by not commenting on the grooming at the time. Not in an accusatory way, of course.

In retrospect, it was planned by her, in that we watched a movie on the weekend after kids went to be and then she suggested it. I thought about mentioning it at the time but I was afraid to say something in case she got defensive. Yes, I know its a screwed up scenario but unless you have been in a sexless or near sexless marriage, you have no idea how screwed up intimacy becomes. Especially when you had a great sexual relationship for years that was unilaterally ended by one person and stayed down despite years of efforts. Also, she will only have sex in the dark so it's not something I can see but you can feel the difference.

Im a wife in a nearly sexless marriage. You are booming in comparison. I mention because I understand there being resistance and confusion when your low drive partner initiates. Talking with her is a great idea. Being close first might help. I apologize for the harshness of my first response (the grow up tough love). Thank you for answering with reflection. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is having complicated feelings about her body. Her initiating is a positive step, even if it’s not exactly what you want it to be like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, do I ask her? Our sex life is hanging by a thread as is, and the last thing I need is tension about this. I have zero desire to play sleuth, sounds exhausting.

I would like to know if she is cheating or planning to leave so I can plan accordingly

You can ask, but doubt she will give you an honest answer. They never do, until the evidence you can show them is insurmountable. Neighbors wife gaslighted her spouse through 3 different Ashley Madison affairs until the last one the betrayed spouse showed up. He was still willing to buy some BS story that it was some woman that just didn't like her and was crazy for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM with kids doing DL is somehow finding time to have sex with someone else? And your only clue is a change in grooming habits? How on earth would that work? You think she’s sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night or something? I swear, op, if my dh came to me with that story and those questions, my head would explode. Both at the lack of trust, and the sheer stupidity of it.

My partner's AP had all kinds of BS excuses...the gym or going for a run was common and she would go to the Marriott down the road. She also had some stupid business that made deliveries which was a cover for being out of the house. She also had a couple of whore friends that all covered for each other when they were with their APs..even for overnights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM with kids doing DL is somehow finding time to have sex with someone else? And your only clue is a change in grooming habits? How on earth would that work? You think she’s sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night or something? I swear, op, if my dh came to me with that story and those questions, my head would explode. Both at the lack of trust, and the sheer stupidity of it.

My partner's AP had all kinds of BS excuses...the gym or going for a run was common and she would go to the Marriott down the road. She also had some stupid business that made deliveries which was a cover for being out of the house. She also had a couple of whore friends that all covered for each other when they were with their APs..even for overnights.

Yep. OP you already are being gaslighted which is evidenced by the fact you are questioning yourself over some pretty strong evidence and are afraid to even ask about her trimmed bush, much less cheating. I doubt she will outright admit the newly trimmed bush is for someone new, but you will open the dialogue. Personally, I think I would investigate first because it will save you years of being lied to and since you want to believe her, you will find yourself believing more and more outlandish things and she will have you second-guessing yourself not her. It is so common/text book for cheaters to play the 'you don't trust me. you are awful' card and for you to buy it.

I am really amazed by so many spouses afraid to ask their spouses the simplest questions as they arise. Why is everyone so afraid of their spouses? It speaks to lack of communication, if not outright emotional abuse that they are afraid to bring anything up.

I will say, never in 1,000 years would I have thought my spouse was having an affair. Never. And I questioned how he would have even pulled it off since he was never taking trips or going out without me and never late for dinner, etc. I even had password to his phone and we share appleID/cloud, etc. 2020 is so easy to do this stuff. And, once they start meeting experienced cheaters their knowledge expands exponentially on how to pull this off...even how to hack your location on an iphone---very easy to drop the pin somewhere else to make it look like you are somewhere you are not.

We are pretty much left with no means to reliably detect signs of cheating The lists you find on the Internet are so outdated. People are not that obvious.