Grooming = cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know,op. Sounds like she initiated and wanted to surprise/please you. She needs encouragement, not accusations of cheating. You're about to blow up your marriage for flawed suspicions

This.

She groomed for you and expected a reaction. You blew it.

I groom extra short when I expect oral.

OP here, she doesn't like oral anymore. Used to love it. Yes, we aren't in a good spot, but she insists she's happy or at least content. I know it's hard to fathom, I am not happy with this and as you could see I would find it far better to be cheated on than denied

Dude, I’m fairly certain she is cheating.

But if I have told her repeatedly I am open to non-monogamy, why wouldn't she be honest? Maybe you are right and I am a sucker

Um, that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot.

Then they should divorce ASAP. Then, they can both find someone who finds them attractive. Or, they can spend years filling their family with the darkness that is growing in their marriage.

The DH has offered a number of ways to help. If she does not think anything he does is hot, she can free him to find someone that does find him so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot.

Then they should divorce ASAP. Then, they can both find someone who finds them attractive. Or, they can spend years filling their family with the darkness that is growing in their marriage.

The DH has offered a number of ways to help. If she does not think anything he does is hot, she can free him to find someone that does find him so.

Oh, well, not for you to decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

"I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares." This.

Do people really groom their public hair for a doctor's appointment? Especially during COVID, I've truly come to embrace the mentality of "alright, I'm here" as being more than sufficient for most things.

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot.

All of this. Also, she may have rolled her eyes because it’s just so predictable that you find a hairless kitty hot. You’ve been conditioned to by rampant porn consumption.

Christ, this guy just can't win. Can he?

I'm the wife of a cheater. I shaved and was neat and trim and had regular sex with my husband. Apparently, after 22 years (I met him when he was 24)--he just wanted variety but never told me that is what he was going to try with some 'everyday slut' off of a website. Yes, that made him an 'everyday slut' as well.

But, good lord---I had all kinds of sex with my spouse---several times a week and we both always found each other highly attractive---both probably in the top 1% for our age in hotness terms. BUt--Miss everyday Slut was not. She was different and 'a guilty secret' though and that was enough.

I give you props OP for actually taking this to crisis level and asking for counseling, open marriage and voicing your displeasure...mine just made some half-@ss comment once about how we were becoming more 'business-like'--- yeah buddy, because I had a full-time job and was doing the majority of everything having to do with the kids, my dad was terminally ill and Miss 'everyday slut' just sat around waiting all day for you after her kids and husband left the house. Quite the escape for 2 whores with no morals.

Oddly--even though I am a betrayed wife--I am much more sympathetic of the husband in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Guy here. Similar situation, but I'm now almost 50. Early and mid-40s were the worst for libido mismatch. She wasn't interested at all, and I was very interested -- the scarcity of sex made my libido even more insistent. Just a bad dynamic. I endured, upped my porn usage, and my libido has decreased as I hit the late 40s. Now I don't mind as much, and our marriage is pretty good. (The fundamentals other than sex were always pretty solid.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she have a gyn appointment recently? Totally normal to groom before you go to the gyn.

Also normal to cut it short every once in a while.

Did you mention it? It’s typically a signal to go down.

Stop. I feel like these type of posts come from cheating women to try to throw them off course.

She hasn’t had sex with him in 3 months. She has pulled away.

It’s really simple to ask or know if she’s going on for a GYN appointment which she might do anyways for proof of being STI free to show the married guys she meets on Ashley Madison.

Ask me how I know? 99.9% chance she is cheating. Now you need to turn into James Bond before you show your hand, OP. Note: they no longer usually use phone or text, but use Skype, Googlechat, What’sapp or some type of Internet messaging/chat which won’t show up on phone Bill and/or she probably has a burner/fake email account too.

99 percent chance? From only the fact that she groomed? Even people who don't groom regularly do so once in a while for no particular reason, or an innocent reason like an upcoming medical appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know,op. Sounds like she initiated and wanted to surprise/please you. She needs encouragement, not accusations of cheating. You're about to blow up your marriage for flawed suspicions

This.

She groomed for you and expected a reaction. You blew it.

I groom extra short when I expect oral.

OP here, she doesn't like oral anymore. Used to love it. Yes, we aren't in a good spot, but she insists she's happy or at least content. I know it's hard to fathom, I am not happy with this and as you could see I would find it far better to be cheated on than denied

Dude, I’m fairly certain she is cheating.

But if I have told her repeatedly I am open to non-monogamy, why wouldn't she be honest? Maybe you are right and I am a sucker

You are enjoying thinking she’s cheating.

You definately seem to prefer this idea. It seem like you want her to make the first move out of the relationship, so that she can be responsible.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot

Then they should divorce ASAP. Then, they can both find someone who finds them attractive. Or, they can spend years filling their family with the darkness that is growing in their marriage.

The DH has offered a number of ways to help. If she does not think anything he does is hot, she can free him to find someone that does find him so.

Oh, well, not for you to decide.

Are you sure? Any suggestions I give on DCUM must be followed to the letter. My suggestion to you would be to be STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Guy here. Similar situation, but I'm now almost 50. Early and mid-40s were the worst for libido mismatch. She wasn't interested at all, and I was very interested -- the scarcity of sex made my libido even more insistent. Just a bad dynamic. I endured, upped my porn usage, and my libido has decreased as I hit the late 40s. Now I don't mind as much, and our marriage is pretty good. (The fundamentals other than sex were always pretty solid.)

OP here, thanks for this. It's what makes this tough, do I throw in the towel on an otherwise fine marriage with kids that are thriving if my libido is going to subside at some point? Some days the answer seems obvious both ways.

To the PP as to why she won't do counseling, she thinks its worthless since she sees the relationship as fine except for my wanting more sex and having a counselor reminding her she needs to have sex is more pressure and counter-productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Guy here. Similar situation, but I'm now almost 50. Early and mid-40s were the worst for libido mismatch. She wasn't interested at all, and I was very interested -- the scarcity of sex made my libido even more insistent. Just a bad dynamic. I endured, upped my porn usage, and my libido has decreased as I hit the late 40s. Now I don't mind as much, and our marriage is pretty good. (The fundamentals other than sex were always pretty solid.)

OP here, thanks for this. It's what makes this tough, do I throw in the towel on an otherwise fine marriage with kids that are thriving if my libido is going to subside at some point? Some days the answer seems obvious both ways.

To the PP as to why she won't do counseling, she thinks its worthless since she sees the relationship as fine except for my wanting more sex and having a counselor reminding her she needs to have sex is more pressure and counter-productive.

Try the 180 - you’re begging for her to have sex. Flip the situation and play hard to get or bring in ‘competition’

[Anonymous]

NP, I tried the 180 and it lead to zero sex but she was happier not being bothered.

These are all good suggestions when dealing with someone who has a libido. Sole people just become asexual and there is no solution. But if she has one, then I agree that cheating and hysterical bonding can break the cycle but it's risky too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a pandemic going on. No one is cheating with people they are not bubbling with.

She is bored and tried out something new. Are you always so narrow minded and suspicious.

OP here, I am not narrow minded. In fact, I have raised the idea of exploring non-monogamy because I don't see the situation as sustainable long-term. But anyway, I wouldn't have been suspicious if she mentioned it as a "hey honey" but more that I found it. Zero chance she did it to spice things up.

You are half right. Yes: the situation is not sustainable. No: she does not get to vote on your non-monogamy solution to her uninterested-sexless problem. If she’s not on board with a normal active sex life, simply declare your marriage open. Asexuals cannot have fidelity when partnered with a normal person.

This is not true. I groom for myself and take a bubble bath daily and use expensive lotion. Doing this for me.
Sounds like OP's wife has already declared it open... for her. Come on now. No one grooms for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Guy here. Similar situation, but I'm now almost 50. Early and mid-40s were the worst for libido mismatch. She wasn't interested at all, and I was very interested -- the scarcity of sex made my libido even more insistent. Just a bad dynamic. I endured, upped my porn usage, and my libido has decreased as I hit the late 40s. Now I don't mind as much, and our marriage is pretty good. (The fundamentals other than sex were always pretty solid.)

OP here, thanks for this. It's what makes this tough, do I throw in the towel on an otherwise fine marriage with kids that are thriving if my libido is going to subside at some point? Some days the answer seems obvious both ways.

To the PP as to why she won't do counseling, she thinks its worthless since she sees the relationship as fine except for my wanting more sex and having a counselor reminding her she needs to have sex is more pressure and counter-productive.

. Why are you jumping to this conclusion OP. Have you considered mentioned how great she looked and felt in bed and see what she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Guy here. Similar situation, but I'm now almost 50. Early and mid-40s were the worst for libido mismatch. She wasn't interested at all, and I was very interested -- the scarcity of sex made my libido even more insistent. Just a bad dynamic. I endured, upped my porn usage, and my libido has decreased as I hit the late 40s. Now I don't mind as much, and our marriage is pretty good. (The fundamentals other than sex were always pretty solid.)

OP here, thanks for this. It's what makes this tough, do I throw in the towel on an otherwise fine marriage with kids that are thriving if my libido is going to subside at some point? Some days the answer seems obvious both ways.

To the PP as to why she won't do counseling, she thinks its worthless since she sees the relationship as fine except for my wanting more sex and having a counselor reminding her she needs to have sex is more pressure and counter-productive.

Do not pressure her for more unwanted sex! That’s just gross and rapey.

Either divorce or declare your marriage open. Those are the only legit options. 8 pages of whining on DCUM will not magically come up with any other solutions. This topic has been beat to death here and across the internet and in every counselor’s office world wide. No other sustainable choices exist, only those 2.

Decide now and move on with life. If you kick the can by “waiting for your own libido to die” I can 100% guarantee you are back in this same spot 6 miserable months from now, facing the same 2 choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know,op. Sounds like she initiated and wanted to surprise/please you. She needs encouragement, not accusations of cheating. You're about to blow up your marriage for flawed suspicions

This.

She groomed for you and expected a reaction. You blew it.

I groom extra short when I expect oral.

OP here, she doesn't like oral anymore. Used to love it. Yes, we aren't in a good spot, but she insists she's happy or at least content. I know it's hard to fathom, I am not happy with this and as you could see I would find it far better to be cheated on than denied

Dude, I’m fairly certain she is cheating.

But if I have told her repeatedly I am open to non-monogamy, why wouldn't she be honest? Maybe you are right and I am a sucker

Um, that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Agree. Hearing your spouse wants to have sex with others is soul crushing. You want to be loved by your spouse more than anyone in the world and for most women, sex=love. What she’s hearing is: you don’t love me completely...and you certainly don’t love me the way I love you.

Worse, she thinks: I AM NOT ENOUGH

That causes somebody’s heart to grow cold. It causes you to fall out of love. To just not care.

I got like your wife for awhile after my spouse became rather arrogant and demanding. I WAH and did so much of the kid stuff that I was bone tired. He would come home late, miss us as I went out the door to drive to sports practices (after cooking and feeding them an early dinner), I’d get home close to 9pm, do the nighttime stuff...finally eat dinner with him and fall into bed. He worked out while we were gone, was relaxed and then resentful when I was too tired.

My resentment built and built until I really didn’t like his touch anymore. On weekends, he was ready to party and play the part of Mr Social and always wanted more, more, more when I needed to recharge. It was exhausting.

I just turned inside. I focused on the kids and watched as grew more entitled and more of a grandiose prick with our friends.

That’s how I ended up like your wife. The more he put me down for having no libido, being asexual, etc. the worse it got and the more depressed I got.