Forced into a "Healing Circle"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”

If this is what you consider "mildly apologetic," I don't know what you consider "apologetic." The first three sentences are fine. Then stop.

I’m curious how old some of you responders are who are digging in...and where you are in your career...and your gender, race and industry.

I’m mid-career, executive level at an international nonprofit. White lady. I’ve fallen on my sword and taken the heat for others, and I can report that accepting responsibility or acknowledging others and then quickly redirecting the conversation to business (and away from feelings or personal attacks) is the way to go. In fact, I’ve seen several staff reprimanded or pushed out for the behavior being suggested here.

Maybe it worked for white men years ago, but pulling rank and getting defensive instead of acknowledging the current issue (whether real or imagined) won’t work. You’ll lose...especially if you are a white women.

Re: being apologetic - think, “Bless your heart!” It’s a polite way of acknowledging without losing face. When done well, it actually makes the whiner feel stupid for making a big deal out of nothing (or prompts others to think the whiner is the real problem).

But if you get defensive, you’ll lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Update -

I just spoke with my boss again who said I should call the facilitator and find out what is really going on here; let her know I am not understanding the healing circle process and how we arrived at this point from a pair of email message. I can share what we were expecting from a facilitated call and ask her if it is possible to proceed in that manner.

So that's what I am doing.

Interesting.

But does your supervisor think this is ridiculous? Do you know if your supervisor thinks you were in the wrong at all? That matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Update -

I just spoke with my boss again who said I should call the facilitator and find out what is really going on here; let her know I am not understanding the healing circle process and how we arrived at this point from a pair of email message. I can share what we were expecting from a facilitated call and ask her if it is possible to proceed in that manner.

So that's what I am doing.

Seems logical. I would be for keeping it as straightforward as possible.

[Anonymous]

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”


If this is what you consider "mildly apologetic," I don't know what you consider "apologetic." The first three sentences are fine. Then stop.


I’m curious how old some of you responders are who are digging in...and where you are in your career...and your gender, race and industry.

I’m mid-career, executive level at an international nonprofit. White lady. I’ve fallen on my sword and taken the heat for others, and I can report that accepting responsibility or acknowledging others and then quickly redirecting the conversation to business (and away from feelings or personal attacks) is the way to go. In fact, I’ve seen several staff reprimanded or pushed out for the behavior being suggested here.

Maybe it worked for white men years ago, but pulling rank and getting defensive instead of acknowledging the current issue (whether real or imagined) won’t work. You’ll lose...especially if you are a white women.

I'm a 57 year old white woman who has held several supervisory roles in prior DOJ administrations, and am now in private industry. Apologizing once is good, self-flagellation is unnecessary. You'll never see men doing that. So I don't intend to either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Update -

I just spoke with my boss again who said I should call the facilitator and find out what is really going on here; let her know I am not understanding the healing circle process and how we arrived at this point from a pair of email message. I can share what we were expecting from a facilitated call and ask her if it is possible to proceed in that manner.

So that's what I am doing.

Seems logical. I would be for keeping it as straightforward as possible.

Agreed. I also like the input from the lawyer. And I would want someone to witness my interactions with the facilitator et al. The other organization is putting forth a lot more effort than this seems to call for.

This hasn't come up yet but at the very least I would want the young woman replaced on the team. Maybe the other organization has someone else who could take her place since this is a project of a short duration? Frankly I would not feel comfortable working with her if she has managed to create such drama only because her feelings are hurt that you didn't act on her ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”


If this is what you consider "mildly apologetic," I don't know what you consider "apologetic." The first three sentences are fine. Then stop.


I’m curious how old some of you responders are who are digging in...and where you are in your career...and your gender, race and industry.

I’m mid-career, executive level at an international nonprofit. White lady. I’ve fallen on my sword and taken the heat for others, and I can report that accepting responsibility or acknowledging others and then quickly redirecting the conversation to business (and away from feelings or personal attacks) is the way to go. In fact, I’ve seen several staff reprimanded or pushed out for the behavior being suggested here.

Maybe it worked for white men years ago, but pulling rank and getting defensive instead of acknowledging the current issue (whether real or imagined) won’t work. You’ll lose...especially if you are a white women.

I'm a 57 year old white woman who has held several supervisory roles in prior DOJ administrations, and am now in private industry. Apologizing once is good, self-flagellation is unnecessary. You'll never see men doing that. So I don't intend to either.

Nobody is suggesting self-flagellation, pp.

But the op and a bunch of posters seem to think digging in is better than apologizing or simply acknowledging the complaint and then redirecting/moving on.

[Anonymous]

This might be a good one to take to WaPo Karla or Ask The Manager. And I believe SHRM has a help line or even perhaps ASAE if you're a member. Be respectful, apologize for hurting her feelings, and then move on. Be careful not to get railroaded on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This does sound totally crazy but there is the chance that the OP is actually somehow making the other person feel small or fearful, etc.

I only say this because I had a senior-to-me coworker once who was essentially abusive but completely unaware. I figured it out when we were eventually in the same leadership training and she was totally bewildered when it came to the emotional IQ exercises, asking "who has time for this?" The truth is that how other people feel about their work and their colleagues matters and impacts business, and leaders need empathy to be effective.

I'm not saying this is the case, OP. You might be awesome and this other person might be a little terrorist. I've seen that too. But on the off chance that you could be doing or saying harmful things without realizing it, you may want to go through with it. If you're certain that you've been a good/supportive colleague, then I agree, you should also say you feel attacked.

Or, lawyer up, as the PP suggested.

Good luck!

She could be making the other person feel bad. I don't think that's unlikely. But "feeling bad" and "overreacting in a way that endangers someone else's job" aren't mutually exclusive. Part of the problem with the current moment of changing expectations and random punishment is that the stakes are so much higher, so just being the bigger person and genuinely being open to this process could get you fired, because you're admitting fault and giving them more material to use against you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be unable to work for an organization that treats me like a child...and uses nonsense words. Quit!

I agree. This is like kindergarten. What adult actually operates this way?

Non-for-profits do. Some tech startups also do this

I’m a teacher and had to do one of these though I forget what they called it. A co-worker overheard me say something and took offense, and in the meeting admitted to being wrong. It definitely felt immature to need someone to mediate your misunderstandings and conflicts before attempting to do so yourself. It heavily damaged my relationship with all three people in the meeting and as a result I no longer talk to anyone besides my team. I’ll literally stop talking if someone else walks in.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 57 year old white woman who has held several supervisory roles in prior DOJ administrations, and am now in private industry. Apologizing once is good, self-flagellation is unnecessary. You'll never see men doing that. So I don't intend to either.


Nobody is suggesting self-flagellation, pp.

But the op and a bunch of posters seem to think digging in is better than apologizing or simply acknowledging the complaint and then redirecting/moving on.

To me, that proposed apology that the person wrote out is over the top. Something appropriate and work-focused would be, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, that was not my intention. How can we address situations like this in the future in a way that would be better for our mutual goal of getting the work done?"

[Anonymous]

OP, you are making the mistake of thinking any of this is important.

First, you did no wrong, so don't apologize or show regret or anything of that sort.

Second, check all the boxes and do everything they asked you, so you have documentation and witnesses of how woke you are, since apparently it's good currency in our emo period of unrest. You will learn a lot about them, and they will learn that you are not a pushover because you are not going to acknowledge any responsibility for their hypersensitivity. But they won't be able to accuse you of anything... tangible. It will drive them NUTS.

Third, lighten up. This is comedy gold, a la Parks and Recreation. Go in, go through the motions, keep your poker face, allow them to make complete fools of themselves, and report back.

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about this ever since you posted OP. I really appreciate your updates.

I have to ask-- is there some kind of clause in a contract or something between your organization and the organization of the "aggrieved" that says disagreements will be resolved through the use of a facilitator? I'm trying to figure out how much this is a sign of the times, or situation-specific. I know you're trying to stay anonymous, but I would just really appreciate this piece of the puzzle.

This is all so crazy to me, and I think I'd feel exactly the way you do. It sounds like you're formulating a good response strategy. I hope it all blows over and this is becomes a funny story you tell your friends. (I know if I asked someone "How's work?" and they said "Well, I recently got dragged to a HEALING CIRCLE," I would be all ears, captivated!

[Anonymous]

How ridiculous! A 'healing circle'? I would say your schedule does not allow for that. Don't give in to loons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization


So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.


Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

I assumed it was here. What are you clarfiying? Or should we wait for a healing circle to get that straight?

This is OP. I didn't have an attitude, but I did pull rank. The successful implementation of the program is ultimately my responsibility. She was not in the right sending an email to people that I manage directing them to change client services based on solely on her opinions alone. Rather than owning her own arrogance and mistake, she is making this about me. And obviously having some success as we all bend over backwards to be sensitive to people's feelings. I bet men never have to deal with this.

Wow- look at all of the drama your putting her in her place has caused.

You could have just responded to the email in a positive and partnering way. If you had said something like”These are great ideas, let’s schedule some time to discuss between us. We will want to be sure everyone is on board before we take action.” Then you might have learned why she was acting with such a sense of urgency. Perhaps there are local stakeholders with a lot of passion about a few things. Or perhaps she didn’t realize what your work processes are. Since she “supports you on the ground” it is completely possible she has perspective you lack.

And the weird focus on position and power here makes me realize why younger people are so annoyed. Don’t you have the same goal- to support your project? I thought women were better than this. It is a p*ssing contest for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization


So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.


Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

I assumed it was here. What are you clarfiying? Or should we wait for a healing circle to get that straight?

This is OP. I didn't have an attitude, but I did pull rank. The successful implementation of the program is ultimately my responsibility. She was not in the right sending an email to people that I manage directing them to change client services based on solely on her opinions alone. Rather than owning her own arrogance and mistake, she is making this about me. And obviously having some success as we all bend over backwards to be sensitive to people's feelings. I bet men never have to deal with this.

Wow- look at all of the drama your putting her in her place has caused.

You could have just responded to the email in a positive and partnering way. If you had said something like”These are great ideas, let’s schedule some time to discuss between us. We will want to be sure everyone is on board before we take action.” Then you might have learned why she was acting with such a sense of urgency. Perhaps there are local stakeholders with a lot of passion about a few things. Or perhaps she didn’t realize what your work processes are. Since she “supports you on the ground” it is completely possible she has perspective you lack.

And the weird focus on position and power here makes me realize why younger people are so annoyed. Don’t you have the same goal- to support your project? I thought women were better than this. It is a p*ssing contest for you.

I don’t see how op can be blamed for causing this drama. That’s the kind of interaction people have now and then and rarely does it end in a mandatory healing circle. Op may be brusque and maybe it will hold her back in her career but demanding a healing circle when a senior colleague gives direct feedback over a misstep seems like a bigger liability in the long run.