Forced into a "Healing Circle"

[Anonymous]

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”

But you sound really defensive. If you can’t play nice, this healing circle could end up being a firing squad that paints you as a jerk. If that happens, you could be reprimanded or let go.

I would do this a different way. I think it is fine to apologize that her feelings were hurt, and say it was not your intention. However, I would make clear that you need to have input from your own clients before changing directions on a project, and that you would appreciate if she would come to you first with to enable you to get that input before sending instructions out to change direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am reading all of your responses. I am leaning towards the advice above a 14:00 and 14:11.

"I am not sure what a healing circle is and do not have time to complete the assignments you sent me, but I am looking forward to the facilitated call."

You talked to your boss and your boss told you to do it and this is going to be your response? You must not need your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During the healing circle say that you are feeling vilified and attacked. And that going forward you want both sets of bosses to be on all emails and communications.

This. Let them know they have made you uncomfortable. I would also request bosses from both side on any phone calls/zooms you may have to do with this person

Yes, clearly was stepping outside the "chain of command" or whatever bullshit-y thing your org calls it....

[Anonymous]

I think it is reasonable to ask if the healing circle is the same thing as the facilitated call. I would have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”

If this is what you consider "mildly apologetic," I don't know what you consider "apologetic." The first three sentences are fine. Then stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be unable to work for an organization that treats me like a child...and uses nonsense words. Quit!

I agree. This is like kindergarten. What adult actually operates this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the races of the people involved?

This was covered in the original post. OP = white, other woman = Latina

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am reading all of your responses. I am leaning towards the advice above a 14:00 and 14:11.

"I am not sure what a healing circle is and do not have time to complete the assignments you sent me, but I am looking forward to the facilitated call."

You talked to your boss and your boss told you to do it and this is going to be your response? You must not need your job.

Or maybe my job needs me.

[Anonymous]

I am a lawyer and I would consult one of I were you O.P. This sounds like a precursor to a discrimination claim. Don't say or write anything without counsel.

[Anonymous]

OP Update -

I just spoke with my boss again who said I should call the facilitator and find out what is really going on here; let her know I am not understanding the healing circle process and how we arrived at this point from a pair of email message. I can share what we were expecting from a facilitated call and ask her if it is possible to proceed in that manner.

So that's what I am doing.

[Anonymous]

This does sound totally crazy but there is the chance that the OP is actually somehow making the other person feel small or fearful, etc.

I only say this because I had a senior-to-me coworker once who was essentially abusive but completely unaware. I figured it out when we were eventually in the same leadership training and she was totally bewildered when it came to the emotional IQ exercises, asking "who has time for this?" The truth is that how other people feel about their work and their colleagues matters and impacts business, and leaders need empathy to be effective.

I'm not saying this is the case, OP. You might be awesome and this other person might be a little terrorist. I've seen that too. But on the off chance that you could be doing or saying harmful things without realizing it, you may want to go through with it. If you're certain that you've been a good/supportive colleague, then I agree, you should also say you feel attacked.

Or, lawyer up, as the PP suggested.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the races of the people involved?

Why do people bring race into these discussions. People want to deny the existence of racism and then they are obsessed with race!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During the healing circle say that you are feeling vilified and attacked. And that going forward you want both sets of bosses to be on all emails and communications.

This. Let them know they have made you uncomfortable. I would also request bosses from both side on any phone calls/zooms you may have to do with this person

THis.

Exactly. Play their games. Use their tools against them. It's a two day street, double edge sword, etc. I would show them that I know the game better than them. They won't try it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be unable to work for an organization that treats me like a child...and uses nonsense words. Quit!

I agree. This is like kindergarten. What adult actually operates this way?

Non-for-profits do. Some tech startups also do this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization


So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.


Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

I assumed it was here. What are you clarfiying? Or should we wait for a healing circle to get that straight?

This is OP. I didn't have an attitude, but I did pull rank. The successful implementation of the program is ultimately my responsibility. She was not in the right sending an email to people that I manage directing them to change client services based on solely on her opinions alone. Rather than owning her own arrogance and mistake, she is making this about me. And obviously having some success as we all bend over backwards to be sensitive to people's feelings. I bet men never have to deal with this.

Lol, come on OP, a man would be even more vulnerable in this situation. A white man in your situation would essentially be powerless.