Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

I’ve worked with women like you, who always think of themselves ass perfectionists. They are anything but. Unhappy, unfulfilled, anxious, busybodies. I always hope they meet their matches when they have kids. Now you’re a mess and you can’t handle it. Wah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

You call yourself a perfectionist but you are making some truly terrible parenting choices by nitpicking and obsessing. Maybe it would help you to try to reframe those patterns as very undesirable ones (way, way worse than lollipop permitting) rather than perfectionistic. I think I value the same sorts of things you do in regards to healthy eating and media use but I am acutely aware of how damaging a critical environment is so that helps me be more flexible about them.

OP's black and white thinking (it's either all natural sunscreen or you are on the slippery slope to spiking kool-aid with tylenol pm) seems to me to be a sign of deep anxiety. To me the answer to what happens if my kid eats a cereal bar for breakfast is somewhere between nothing happens and my kid begs for cereal bars all the time/kid seems grumpy and maybe it's because they had too much sugar and not enough protein. If you loosening up on any of these small choices as the beginning of a descent into chaos-that's the anxiety talking. Maybe if meds aren't on the table, something like cognitive behavioral therapy?

For me, I see being flexible and helping my kid be flexible as key to helping her be successful in a diverse world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

Gee, I wonder why.

[Anonymous]

This rigidity is damaging to your children. I had a mom like you. I’ve been working on this shit for years in therapy and I still struggle with food, making decisions, keeping my own perfectionism under control.

You asked how others relaxed but your responses indicate that you do not seriously want to change.

I recommend taking everyone out in nature & letting them get muddy and eat horrible gas station ice cream bars on the drive home.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so much blaming of mothers for adult behaviors on this thread. So many adults are frequent liars but their moms are to blame? Eating disorders because of mom? Anxiety because of mom? Do any of you take responsibility for yourselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked with women like you, who always think of themselves ass perfectionists. They are anything but. Unhappy, unfulfilled, anxious, busybodies. I always hope they meet their matches when they have kids. Now you’re a mess and you can’t handle it. Wah.

A hot mess sister. Uou go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

How old the other kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

This is you. You ask for help while being hypercritical of others and lacking self awareness. There is a medium between you, ham sandwiches and capped teetch.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP you are one pathetic person

[Anonymous]

Get rid of your frumpy little husband. Fu ck a hot Latino guy.

Have a margarita and STFU!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, so much blaming of mothers for adult behaviors on this thread. So many adults are frequent liars but their moms are to blame? Eating disorders because of mom? Anxiety because of mom? Do any of you take responsibility for yourselves?

Yes, there is actual clinical research about mother-child relationships and eating disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This rigidity is damaging to your children. I had a mom like you. I’ve been working on this shit for years in therapy and I still struggle with food, making decisions, keeping my own perfectionism under control.

You asked how others relaxed but your responses indicate that you do not seriously want to change.

I recommend taking everyone out in nature & letting them get muddy and eat horrible gas station ice cream bars on the drive home.

Op the rigidity is actually damaging to you too. I beg you to try to get some meds to help and yes I think you could start with medicinal marijuana in daily microdose edibles if you are worried about pharma. But honestly that might not do it and it's hard to find a good therapist in this area that will work with you on that. Which is sad.
I think it's easy to jump on OP as smug and sanctimonious , someone we over to see fall off the pedestal, but I actually feel bad for her. It does also sound like crippling anxiety for me with some obsessive tendencies and she is living in a hell of her own making that she literally can't stop making without serious intervention. I say please try meds for 1 year. Just one, as it can take some trial and error to find what is right. CBT too. You get one life and it sounds like you have the resources to throw at this problem to make it one that you feel content living or at least some peace. Because you don't have that now and you certainly won't if you drive your adult kids away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of your frumpy little husband. Fu ck a hot Latino guy.

Have a margarita and STFU!

Lol this is great advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, so much blaming of mothers for adult behaviors on this thread. So many adults are frequent liars but their moms are to blame? Eating disorders because of mom? Anxiety because of mom? Do any of you take responsibility for yourselves?

Yes, there is actual clinical research about mother-child relationships and eating disorders.

Also a lot of people are females responding. Women look up more to mothers. Women also do the bulk of childcare (or did when we were growing up). Missing dads mean lots of issues in kids too.

Eating disorder are definitely related to your mom and her body image. Not always, but usually. Nearly everyone I know has issues related.

[Anonymous]

At some point, adults have to own their own behavior. It’s a wonder anyone wants to be a mom with the way we are treated. None of the pps are perfect moms and my guess is many of their kids will have issues and blame their moms, too.