Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

This is not something you want to hear, but only meds helped me. I tried everything else. It was only after meds that I realized how disordered and uptight my thinking was, how I was constantly clenched and on edge and how wonderful it is for both myself and my child for me NOT to feel that way. I felt sleepy and in a fog for the first 2 weeks, but once that lifted I instantly became a better, more patient, more engaged parent. There are mild side effects but they are worth it and I would tolerate a lot more for the sake of my child.

+1 wishing you the best op, I hope you’ll give it a try

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing you might consider is that constant stress is toxic to your kids as well -not a lot of research/evidence on harms of non-organic food or chemical sunscreen, but there is a lot on the impacts of constant stress.

OP here. Agreed! 100%. They seem pretty happy, though. How would I know if they were stressed? (DD’s anxiety isn’t unhappiness. Different things.)

Kids are so resilient. I grew up in a rough neighborhood where kids were straight up beaten, cussed at and way worse. We all looked and prob were pretty damned happy. Maybe becomes we were all the same boat. No one felt sorry for themselves and we just enjoyed our time playing. That actually still haunts me. Many of my old friends ended up badly. You never really know what’s going on in a kid’s inner life. Total aside, but a neighbor’s child just od’ed and died. His family seemed so nice—like warm and relaxed and so jovial! (not like me)—and he seemed happy.

Anyway, serious question. How do you know your kids are happy? They are all a smiley, giggles bunch to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your child knows that you love her perfectly, and that is what matters most. She is becoming the child she is supposed to be, thanks to you. If you have other children the fact that some things are genetic will be easier to see. I have 3 kids and one is naturally a perfectionist, another is more easy-going, and the last one is insanely extroverted. I used to go out of my mind trying to get the oldest to focus on details more ("Did you leave the light in your room on AGAIN?") until it hit me that certain things do not register for her. Your daughter does not have an average mother. I hope you will not think of her as average or less. She will surprise you, I promise.

I have 4 siblings- each with completely different personality. My older sister is very strange and avoids people, she couldn't hold any job that requires dealing with conflicts/managers/bad customers etc. I'm somewhere in the middle. My younger sister is very extroverted, she is a great manager at work and can deal with conflicts etc. We had the same parents, and yet each of us, kids is so different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

m


You’re a sick b!tch

[Anonymous]

If you are really worried about the mill work (a piece of wood), you need medication. Look at it as Way to help you get better. If you got cancer, would you not use chemotheropy? You don’t have to take it forever.

[Anonymous]

Op it might help by starring to educate yourself. Organic food is mostly a marketing scam. It’s not accomplishing what you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is not something you want to hear, but only meds helped me. I tried everything else. It was only after meds that I realized how disordered and uptight my thinking was, how I was constantly clenched and on edge and how wonderful it is for both myself and my child for me NOT to feel that way. I felt sleepy and in a fog for the first 2 weeks, but once that lifted I instantly became a better, more patient, more engaged parent. There are mild side effects but they are worth it and I would tolerate a lot more for the sake of my child.

I am the poster above and I just wanted to add that if you have questions, ask me anything about the meds. I am happy to answer. What you wrote described me to a T, including the part about resisting medication. I would spend hours researching things to find the "best" option for everything, and so all the unknowns about drugs were frustrating and unnerving.

[Anonymous]

You are a real loser OP. Did somebody really marry uou?

[Anonymous]

Read The Gifts of imperfection by Brenee Brown. I think she has a ted talk too you could watch.

Continue with therapy, and try a new therapist if necessary, perhaps one who does psychodynamic therapy to help you figure out the origins of your perfectionism. Be more open to meds.

Also, you can become less focused on perfection without becoming a mom who gives lollipops or Tylenol pm. I’m a perfectionist, and our house is so immaculately clean I’ve learned to make it a little messier before guests come over so they don’t think I’m crazy. I cook organic meals, have never bought baby food, used cloth diapers, etc. But there’s a space between obsession and not caring. You need to find that space.

[Anonymous]

^^ A therapist who says you “really need meds” is a crappy therapist. Seriously. Therapist should be able to help you considerably even apart from medication.

[Anonymous]

My mom was like that and we have a very complicated relationship now. I have few fond memories from childhood even though there was no abuse or anything. As an adult, I always feel like I am doing something wrong. I over analyze everything and am hyper critical of myself. Which makes sense, since I grew up with someone tellling me how to be better every second of my life. You have to create good memories with your kids.

My parenting philosophy: I strive for 90% positive or neutral statements with them (eg, talking about a sports game or show) and 10% negative. I also think about whether this particular nit will matter in 10 years. If it will, I say something. Otherwise, I let it go. I am also consistent in the things that matter, so I eventually don’t have to tell them. I have certain parts of the house I don’t care about and others I do. I don’t set them up to fail by creating a completely child unfriendly environment. And you will create food issues if you don’t ever let them have junk food.

I sense smugness in your post. You’ll have to decide if your style is worth creating unhappy children who also honestly will dread spending time with you as an adult. It’s not worth it to me. I want to have lifelong relationships with my childhood, and I don’t think I’m raising less perfect children with this approach.

[Anonymous]

Well my mom was you and I hated my childhood and suffered a lot of issues because of her. It doesn't really seem like you want help though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

For the sake of everyone you live with, I really hope you are a troll.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is not meant for people like you. You need to make a decision. Do you want to be a control freak perfectionist or do you want to have a good relationship with your kids and make sure they have a happy childhood? My mom chose control freak and you sound exactly like her. She claimed that everything she did was for us. But it wasn't. My brother and I both suffer from mental health issues because of her. I suffered from an eating disorder for 20 years because of my mother.

Please, choose being a mother. My mom has MASSIVE regrets as my brother and I are adults now. We have a pretty close relationship but it didn't improve until I was in my 30s. She's now getting the chance to be a great grandmother and more like how she wished she was with my brother and me.

It's not a good way for anyone to live. It's exhausting for you. Exhausting for your spouse. And exhausting for your kids. Don't you guys want to be happy? Don't they deserve not to live in fear that they are going to do something wrong and upset you (and trust me, they do live in fear)? Don't you want to make sure that you don't cause them anxiety disorders(which you will).?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like that and we have a very complicated relationship now. I have few fond memories from childhood even though there was no abuse or anything. As an adult, I always feel like I am doing something wrong. I over analyze everything and am hyper critical of myself. Which makes sense, since I grew up with someone tellling me how to be better every second of my life. You have to create good memories with your kids.

My parenting philosophy: I strive for 90% positive or neutral statements with them (eg, talking about a sports game or show) and 10% negative. I also think about whether this particular nit will matter in 10 years. If it will, I say something. Otherwise, I let it go. I am also consistent in the things that matter, so I eventually don’t have to tell them. I have certain parts of the house I don’t care about and others I do. I don’t set them up to fail by creating a completely child unfriendly environment. And you will create food issues if you don’t ever let them have junk food.

I sense smugness in your post. You’ll have to decide if your style is worth creating unhappy children who also honestly will dread spending time with you as an adult. It’s not worth it to me. I want to have lifelong relationships with my childhood, and I don’t think I’m raising less perfect children with this approach.

This. A family unit has to be a safe place. Children have to be supported and you have to let them fail and learn. What if your perfectionist tendencies lead to them not being up front with you as to what they like, don't like, can't handle? What happens when they don't meet your expectations? I'm not saying let them to anything they want, but balance is important. My mom wasn't at anxious as you and bush with work but she certainly had perfectionist and ambitious tendencies and did not value empathy and listening to what I wanted. I learned very early on to walk on eggshells around her and flat out lie about little stuff just to not make her angry. Led to lying about big stuff too as that was easier. I turned out ok and she has finally said she's proud of me now that I have a good career I like and children and husband. She never said it before because she expected it and why be proud of ordinary things. We had a tense relationship from when I was about 20 until about 35. She thought we were close but then realize how much of my life she wasn't part of because I didn't need or want her negativity and pressure around me.
Your kids are still kids and I recall my childhood (until 10) fondly. But so few of those memories include anything with my mother, mostly grandparents and their purely unconditional love and caring and involvement.