Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

Not going to get into the psychology of all this, but just letting you know that my life changed when I was introduced to Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.

[Anonymous]

Well, first you need to want to change, and you aren’t quite there yet. Perhaps you could commit to doing more observation about the impact your behavior has on your kids? And see if that gets you to a place of genuinely wanting to change.

I get it. I’m somewhat like you except my issues are all health and safety related. I don’t care about the molding or the activities. But I do care about car seats to an irrational degree, and organic food and not putting plastics in the dishwasher and water safety and on and on. But all of it to a level that will give my child an anxiety disorder. And I can see that, but I’m not willing to change because I FEEL like I’m keeping her safe. And I’m not willing to stop doing what I’m doing and make myself more anxious for the possible long term benefit to her mental health because it feels unsafe. You’re doing the same thing but it’s about crown molding. You’re not ready to make yourself more uncomfortable and anxious yet. When you are, you will figure out a way to make the change happen.

[Anonymous]

Clearly there is a lot going on and you need some psychological help to let go. But if you also need "permission" to be more low key, try this book: https://www.amazon.com/Selfish-Reasons-Have-More-Kids/dp/0465028616

I often think back to this book when I start to get stressed about my parenting choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medication has already been suggested, so I’ll go a different route.

You need to pick one behavior you want to change. Pay attention to the thought pattern(s) that precedes the behavior. When you’ve identified the thought pattern, (thought patterns can be a very very long or quite short) start to pay attention to the triggering thought. When that thought happens, you have to retrain your brain so that it leads to a different behavior. You need to mentally rehearse/visualize changing the thoughts and behavior.

Love and logic teaches this in a very specific style that works for some people. You plan and mentally rehearse what you’re going to say, so even when you’re angry, you use an auto pilot response.

The visualization and rehearsal is like practicing shooting free throws—you build muscle memory in hopes of better outcomes.

The hard part with parenting is it’s a long game. All the best decisions and practices may or may not result in happy, healthy adults. As much as we think we control the day-to-day, we don’t control the future.

I was thinking something similar. "Change your personality and parenting" is too big and diffuse and not something you really want to do. I would say, work with an expert (parenting coach, family therapist, social worker) to identify some specific strategies to connect with your kids and commit to using those strategies every day. One that came immediately to mind when I read your OP was "time in" with each kid each day, so say a half-hour that is completely kid-let when you only give positive feedback. Add a few tasks like that into your daily life, so even if you are inflexible overall, you are adding in some flexible, kid-centered space to each day. Maybe the person your daughter is seeing could suggest someone for you to work with.

OP here. Thanks. Yes, we do time in a bunch of PIP stuff. Say 5 positive things for every 1 negative. That kind of thing. It's really helpful for grounding my older DD who's in therapy. Great suggestion. I still get upset over small things, but I've told them in advance that I'm working on some things. No one's perfect. We can fix things most thing kind of speech. So now half the time they say something kind when I get upset. The other half of the time, they take it to heart, and I feel terrible for the next few hours. luckily they're still at the age where they bounce right back. Understand that won't always be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter's psychologist what you told us and ask her if she thinks you're a perfect parent.

Never said I was perfect. If I did, I wouldn’t be here. DD’s psych will be done after 12-weeks. She said the anxiety is moderate, and she doesn’t see a need to continuing therapy given her case and severity. Other Child has no anxiety, beyond what’s normal. Genes, I think.

Guys, I think this has to be a troll. No normal mother would admit to something like this ^ and not be extremely upset and angry with herself that she can't control her own impulses/reactions to normal stuff like kids touching walls and so consequently passed her anxiety on to her child.

OP here, who says I'm not angry a myself? Of course I am. If I didn't think I was absurd, why would I post. If I was so self satisfied, I wouldn't even think there was an issue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PSA: you don't need to buy organic milk anymore. Farmers are not allowed to give cows hormones so there is no hormones in the milk.

OP here. Grass fed milk. The cows are treated more humanely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, first you need to want to change, and you aren’t quite there yet. Perhaps you could commit to doing more observation about the impact your behavior has on your kids? And see if that gets you to a place of genuinely wanting to change.

I get it. I’m somewhat like you except my issues are all health and safety related. I don’t care about the molding or the activities. But I do care about car seats to an irrational degree, and organic food and not putting plastics in the dishwasher and water safety and on and on. But all of it to a level that will give my child an anxiety disorder. And I can see that, but I’m not willing to change because I FEEL like I’m keeping her safe. And I’m not willing to stop doing what I’m doing and make myself more anxious for the possible long term benefit to her mental health because it feels unsafe. You’re doing the same thing but it’s about crown molding. You’re not ready to make yourself more uncomfortable and anxious yet. When you are, you will figure out a way to make the change happen.

I wouldn't discount how hard it is to change. People make decisions contrary to their own interests and beliefs all the time. Didn't someone win a Nobel prize expounding on just this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, first you need to want to change, and you aren’t quite there yet. Perhaps you could commit to doing more observation about the impact your behavior has on your kids? And see if that gets you to a place of genuinely wanting to change.

I get it. I’m somewhat like you except my issues are all health and safety related. I don’t care about the molding or the activities. But I do care about car seats to an irrational degree, and organic food and not putting plastics in the dishwasher and water safety and on and on. But all of it to a level that will give my child an anxiety disorder. And I can see that, but I’m not willing to change because I FEEL like I’m keeping her safe. And I’m not willing to stop doing what I’m doing and make myself more anxious for the possible long term benefit to her mental health because it feels unsafe. You’re doing the same thing but it’s about crown molding. You’re not ready to make yourself more uncomfortable and anxious yet. When you are, you will figure out a way to make the change happen.

Pp, you know you’re giving your kid an anxiety disorder but you’d rather do that than treat your own neuroses? Please rethink this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

This is you. You ask for help while being hypercritical of others and lacking self awareness. There is a medium between you, ham sandwiches and capped teetch.

OP here. I don't think I'm being hypercritical of parentsl. I'd be surprised if if most people don't disapprove of medicating a child to sleep. Are all those people hypercritical? Are you being hypercritical of me?


I am hypercritical of my kids, some of the time. That I concede. It's not good.

To address other posts---------

I clearly did a crap job of expressing myself. I'm not smug about the sunscreen or damned hummus. Yeah, I think enjoying an extra 15 minutes on the beach beats rubbing in sunscreen. Yeah, wouldn't it be great to have a fridge food of prepared foods so we can squeeze in that extra Battleship game after dinner. I didn't write things I'm proud of. I wrote things I'm ASHAMED of doing.

My kids has cake for breakfast today because it's the weekend. I let them try whatever they want if they make good food choices overall. No one is has an eating disorder. I had to reply to this because it just irks me. Thank god the kids these days aren't constantly askng "do I look fat in this?" like my friends did way back.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the answers - but I'd -

1. Don't discount the value of talk therapy. I found it TREMENDOUSLY helpful and periodically go for a reset. I'm very analytical and not really wired to "enjoy" it - but if you find someone who is the right fit, you can really challenge some of your patterns effectively. Caveat is, talk therapy with the wrong fit doesn't mean it doesn't work, it means you need a different person. I'd experiment with it and give it 3-4 sessions to see if you can try it.

2. It doesn't sound to me like this would be an easy shift for you - but - 80% of the goal is good enough. Let that be your new mantra. Allow 20% hummus with safflower oil in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

This is you. You ask for help while being hypercritical of others and lacking self awareness. There is a medium between you, ham sandwiches and capped teetch.

The first think to fix is the obsessing with organizing and decorum. 15 years from now you’ll want to remember the fun times your kids have at your house, not whether the Last Supper was positioned properly. I get your concerns with the sunscreen and nutrients.

OP here. I don't think I'm being hypercritical of parentsl. I'd be surprised if if most people don't disapprove of medicating a child to sleep. Are all those people hypercritical? Are you being hypercritical of me?


I am hypercritical of my kids, some of the time. That I concede. It's not good.

To address other posts---------

I clearly did a crap job of expressing myself. I'm not smug about the sunscreen or damned hummus. Yeah, I think enjoying an extra 15 minutes on the beach beats rubbing in sunscreen. Yeah, wouldn't it be great to have a fridge food of prepared foods so we can squeeze in that extra Battleship game after dinner. I didn't write things I'm proud of. I wrote things I'm ASHAMED of doing.

My kids has cake for breakfast today because it's the weekend. I let them try whatever they want if they make good food choices overall. No one is has an eating disorder. I had to reply to this because it just irks me. Thank god the kids these days aren't constantly askng "do I look fat in this?" like my friends did way back.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t have advice because I could stand to be less laid back and a little more like you. The fact that you recognize this in yourself and are seeking to change means you’ll likely be successful.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP I don’t have advice but sound like a loon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, first you need to want to change, and you aren’t quite there yet. Perhaps you could commit to doing more observation about the impact your behavior has on your kids? And see if that gets you to a place of genuinely wanting to change.

I get it. I’m somewhat like you except my issues are all health and safety related. I don’t care about the molding or the activities. But I do care about car seats to an irrational degree, and organic food and not putting plastics in the dishwasher and water safety and on and on. But all of it to a level that will give my child an anxiety disorder. And I can see that, but I’m not willing to change because I FEEL like I’m keeping her safe. And I’m not willing to stop doing what I’m doing and make myself more anxious for the possible long term benefit to her mental health because it feels unsafe. You’re doing the same thing but it’s about crown molding. You’re not ready to make yourself more uncomfortable and anxious yet. When you are, you will figure out a way to make the change happen.

You seem really self aware, so what do you think would be the sort of "a ha" that would make you change or try to change for your and her own relationship ? No snark, just curious.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to try xanax.