Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

[Anonymous]

Meds. Do it for your kids. You are more than just a perfectionist, you need help.

[Anonymous]

If you won't take meds, would you consider smoking weed? I'm not kidding.

You are doing all this for your kids to have a perfect childhood, but all your kids are going to remember is how uptight and shrill you were. I know, because i had that parent. My mother made our peanut butter. It sucked. We weren't allowed to eat anything with artificial flavoring or coloring. Cake at a birthday party? Nope! M&Ms? Nope!

I got in trouble all the time for breaking rules. There were too many to keep track of. My sibling and I both live across the country from our mother, see her once a year, and have terrible memories of growing up and being at home.

[Anonymous]

OP, you probably will get flamed for this, but it’s obvious that your heart is in the right place: you care about what is best for your children.

I grew up in a similar household, I had a stay at home mom that gave us healthy homemade snacks daily, and nightly home cooked dinners. The truth is, kids don’t value or appreciate these efforts. I remember when I went to overnight summer camp for the first time and came home so excited to “introduce” my parents to ranch; I couldn’t believe that something like ranch existed and they wouldn’t be interested in buying some for themselves. Similarly, when I went off to college I gained the quickest freshman 20 because my body simply was not used to food outside the vegetarian organic meals offered by my parents.

That said, as a parent myself I can sincerely appreciate their efforts, but I’ve found that moderation is what is most healthy, despite not being as healthy. While your post speaks nothing of weight, I’m thin, and personally eat a healthy, primarily raw diet - as a note, we do not keep ranch in the house! I don’t force the same standards upon my child; there is an expectation that we’ll eat a healthy well balanced dinner every night. However, I’m the first one to hand her a chewy bar if she’s acting hungry. Given my own upbringing, my thoughts are that it is much healthier to introduce processed “ssnacks” while supplementing with healthy meals.

Finally, in my option there’s nothing wrong with keeping a clean orderly home, or catering after school activities to each child’s interests. The sunscreen sounds crazy, but that is simply because I imagine constantly wiping “sunscreen prints” off surfaces. I think you need to realize that childhood is an introductory period for your child: if you so strictly control each aspect of their lives, it will be much harder for them to find their ways on their own. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

You are not helping your child's anxiety. Get better for that reason alone.

[Anonymous]

Have your DH start videoing some of your nitpicking of the kids then force yourself to watch it. When you do, it will help you understand how big the problem is.

You are damaging your children everyday in a way that is not easy to repair and setting them up for a lifetime of issues and being less successful people.

You don’t want to take meds bc deep down you believe your lifestyle makes you superior and you know the meds will alter that and you will back off the perfection and you are afraid you will be less than but the truth is right now you are already less than

[Anonymous]

DH and I are research scientists and our natural bent is to research issues and strive for quality. We can be very picky: we didn't have a couch for 10 years because I couldn't find exactly the one I wanted for my living room! However, I am also very mindful of my children's mental health, because that too is part of my quest to make most things as good as they can get. My husband can be needlessly critical of the children, and I observe how damaging it is to their self-esteem and their relationship with him.

It seems your anxiety about the handling or quality of specific material items is getting in the way of finding balance. Could you harness your perfectionism to include more intangible but no less important aspects of your lives, such as your children's ability to adapt and be flexible? You need to model and teach that, and therefore you must consciously decide to show less rigidity.

I view flexibility as the most important soft skill in life. The jobs of the future may not be invented yet (my husband works in a field that did not exist when he trained for his first career), and your children will have to navigate a world where the USA may not be the world's greatest superpower, where they might have to work primarily in another language, where they might need to live in multiple different countries... they need to learn as children that their priorities may shift with time and that they need "sorting" skills to constantly reassess what's most important.

If you prioritize teaching them to be flexible instead of teaching them that there is only one right way to do something, only one standard to do things, you will be a much more effective parent.

I too don't like to medicate. However I have seen first hand what a well-time course of meds can do: my son has severe ADHD and for his 3 years of middle school, was medicated for it. During this time, his brain was freed from distractability and was able to learn how to learn - how to organize his day and use a planner, how to think ahead, how to re-read things before bed to remember them better the next day... And since his medication gave him undesirable side-effects and he had to stop, we saw how he retained those skills in high school, and how he was able to function despite not being medicated anymore.

Perhaps you could use medication with that goal in mind - to free your brain from its constant obsession with certain standards and qualities, and to learn a flexibility self-talk routine that can persist even when you taper them off. I think you should discuss this goal with a therapist, while taking your meds.

Anecdotally, I've also found that being busier does wonder to relax standards! My mother had one child and was neurotic. My friends with only children tended to obsess until their careers became demanding enough to occupy more of their energies. I experienced my level of nitpickiness decrease after the birth of my second child! However, being busier does not correct the underlying personality trait, and as soon as you have nothing to do, the pickiness comes roaring back. Working on yourself is far more important.

[Anonymous]

Select certain areas in which you will be extremely exacting and consciously let go in others. You need to see failure to choose as the failure it is to prepare your children for the unsanitized, imperfect reality that is life. You also need to consider the possibility that all the excessive nitpicking is motivated less by a pure desire to promote their welfare than to shore up your shaky sense of self-worth. The essence of you is not manifested in the condition of every single material item you use. Your actions distance your children from the actual essence of yourself, and reflect deep fear. They understand this instinctively.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DH and I are research scientists and our natural bent is to research issues and strive for quality. We can be very picky: we didn't have a couch for 10 years because I couldn't find exactly the one I wanted for my living room! However, I am also very mindful of my children's mental health, because that too is part of my quest to make most things as good as they can get. My husband can be needlessly critical of the children, and I observe how damaging it is to their self-esteem and their relationship with him.

It seems your anxiety about the handling or quality of specific material items is getting in the way of finding balance. Could you harness your perfectionism to include more intangible but no less important aspects of your lives, such as your children's ability to adapt and be flexible? You need to model and teach that, and therefore you must consciously decide to show less rigidity.

I view flexibility as the most important soft skill in life. The jobs of the future may not be invented yet (my husband works in a field that did not exist when he trained for his first career), and your children will have to navigate a world where the USA may not be the world's greatest superpower, where they might have to work primarily in another language, where they might need to live in multiple different countries... they need to learn as children that their priorities may shift with time and that they need "sorting" skills to constantly reassess what's most important.

If you prioritize teaching them to be flexible instead of teaching them that there is only one right way to do something, only one standard to do things, you will be a much more effective parent.

I too don't like to medicate. However I have seen first hand what a well-time course of meds can do: my son has severe ADHD and for his 3 years of middle school, was medicated for it. During this time, his brain was freed from distractability and was able to learn how to learn - how to organize his day and use a planner, how to think ahead, how to re-read things before bed to remember them better the next day... And since his medication gave him undesirable side-effects and he had to stop, we saw how he retained those skills in high school, and how he was able to function despite not being medicated anymore.

Perhaps you could use medication with that goal in mind - to free your brain from its constant obsession with certain standards and qualities, and to learn a flexibility self-talk routine that can persist even when you taper them off. I think you should discuss this goal with a therapist, while taking your meds.

Anecdotally, I've also found that being busier does wonder to relax standards! My mother had one child and was neurotic. My friends with only children tended to obsess until their careers became demanding enough to occupy more of their energies. I experienced my level of nitpickiness decrease after the birth of my second child! However, being busier does not correct the underlying personality trait, and as soon as you have nothing to do, the pickiness comes roaring back. Working on yourself is far more important.

OP here, thank you for taking the time to write this. Lots of interesting ideas, esp re: meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you probably will get flamed for this, but it’s obvious that your heart is in the right place: you care about what is best for your children.

I grew up in a similar household, I had a stay at home mom that gave us healthy homemade snacks daily, and nightly home cooked dinners. The truth is, kids don’t value or appreciate these efforts. I remember when I went to overnight summer camp for the first time and came home so excited to “introduce” my parents to ranch; I couldn’t believe that something like ranch existed and they wouldn’t be interested in buying some for themselves. Similarly, when I went off to college I gained the quickest freshman 20 because my body simply was not used to food outside the vegetarian organic meals offered by my parents.

That said, as a parent myself I can sincerely appreciate their efforts, but I’ve found that moderation is what is most healthy, despite not being as healthy. While your post speaks nothing of weight, I’m thin, and personally eat a healthy, primarily raw diet - as a note, we do not keep ranch in the house! I don’t force the same standards upon my child; there is an expectation that we’ll eat a healthy well balanced dinner every night. However, I’m the first one to hand her a chewy bar if she’s acting hungry. Given my own upbringing, my thoughts are that it is much healthier to introduce processed “ssnacks” while supplementing with healthy meals.

Finally, in my option there’s nothing wrong with keeping a clean orderly home, or catering after school activities to each child’s interests. The sunscreen sounds crazy, but that is simply because I imagine constantly wiping “sunscreen prints” off surfaces. I think you need to realize that childhood is an introductory period for your child: if you so strictly control each aspect of their lives, it will be much harder for them to find their ways on their own. Just my two cents.

OP here. Thank for writing. I went to HYP for undergrad and grad. I'd say my most successful classmates were either from immigrant families that were almost overbearing and the other half were from helicopter-type families. There's something to be said about intensive parenting, and who knows how you would have ended up with different parents. Maybe instead of body issues, you'd be morbidly obese like my in-laws, who literally say they won't eat vegetarian food because they're not vegetarian. That said, it would be wonderful to have the best of the free-range and helicoper parents. I'm aiming for that middle path. It's been hard, though, as you can tell by my post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

You are not great or awesome.
You are not the idea parent.
You are not doing it better than everyone else.
You have nothing to be smug about.

Your children tell other moms that they like going to their house because they can touch things and eat normal food. The moms then judge you harshly.
The mom doesn’t like coming to your home for play dates. She is lying and being passive aggressive towards you but you are so smug you can’t see thought her.

[Anonymous]

Make a play room. You sound wealth -- give them the top or bottom floor and have it be just for kids. Put stuff in it that you don't care will be greasy or drawn on or scratched.

Also see the movie Lady Bird. It's on Netflix now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

You don't sound perfectionist. You sound like you are OCD and have mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

I say this as someone who is prone to perfectionism (and yes, I went to HYP too) - you are ruining your kids’ childhoods. There is nothing wrong with organic foods or carefully curated activities but the constant nagging and nitpicking will destroy your relationship with your kids. If you can’t control yourself, and it sounds like you have tried, you need to take meds for your children’s sake. You are right to worry about side effects, but you need to think of this step as a sacrifice you are making for your kids.