Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

OP, most of the innovative, successful people in the world did not have pampered, perfect childhoods. They had some adversity in their lives that made the confident and resilient when they were tested and overcame the obstacle. They did this largely on their own, with out a nagging mommy at their side.

You are doing everything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meds. Do it for your kids. You are more than just a perfectionist, you need help.

+1. OP’s therapist was right, meds are needed.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need meds. Other people are just jealous and like to bash the OP. They are probably the ones feeding their kids breakfast bars and giving them Tylenol to go to sleep. The ones saying the meds have no side effects are probably going to come down with liver cancer in a few decades. Perfectionists aren't perfect, they just strive to be, and there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone tries their best, and some actually try to be bad. The frustrating part is when your MIL purposely gives your kid store bought hummus just to piss you off.

[Anonymous]

Get on those meds ASAP OP. You sound sick!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need meds. Other people are just jealous and like to bash the OP. They are probably the ones feeding their kids breakfast bars and giving them Tylenol to go to sleep. The ones saying the meds have no side effects are probably going to come down with liver cancer in a few decades. Perfectionists aren't perfect, they just strive to be, and there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone tries their best, and some actually try to be bad. The frustrating part is when your MIL purposely gives your kid store bought hummus just to piss you off.

You forgot the /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are also HYP grads and neither of us or any of our friends had an upbringing like you're describing, OP.

You call yourself a perfectionist but you have a child who has already absorbed your anxiety. That's not perfect. Sorry.

You're yelling and nitpicking your children who just want their mother's love and approval. That's not perfect.

You need meds. Try it for a couple months and see what happens.

I went to Harvard for college and law school and my husband for law school. Agreed. We also know tons of very successful people not from school and this was not their childhood. I recently saw a quote from Charles Spurgeon (yes, I’m a Christian): “Let mothers labor to make home the happiest place in the world.” That’s my new mission for my home.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds that you clearly want the best for your kids.

As others have likely suggested (I don't have time to read the whole thread), it may be helpful to see a therapist. If you're reluctant to do this for yourself, you can think of it as being for the kids.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds that you clearly want the best for your kids.

As others have likely suggested (I don't have time to read the whole thread), it may be helpful to see a therapist. If you're reluctant to do this for yourself, you can think of it as being for the kids.

Best of luck.

Sorry, I missed the part where you said that you've already seen a therapist. It may be helpful to go again and to try meds.

Some of the posts here are harsh/overly judgmental. How is that helpful to OP or her kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds that you clearly want the best for your kids.

As others have likely suggested (I don't have time to read the whole thread), it may be helpful to see a therapist. If you're reluctant to do this for yourself, you can think of it as being for the kids.

Best of luck.

Sorry, I missed the part where you said that you've already seen a therapist. It may be helpful to go again and to try meds.

Some of the posts here are harsh/overly judgmental. How is that helpful to OP or her kids?

It’s helpful because OP needs a complete 180, not a couple changes here and there.

[Anonymous]

It takes 11 pages to tell OP she is sick and needs meds

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes 11 pages to tell OP she is sick and needs meds

No. Others have pointed it out as well. Unfortunately ops mental health issues make it so that she only sees things black.or white (her way or almost negligent)

[Anonymous]

I am a very Type A, borderline OCD, uptight, rigid perfectionist. I have been evaluated for medication before and was told that I didn't need to take something if my "quirks" didn't interfere with my quality of life. As an example, I cannot set my alarm unless it is in 15-minute increments (i.e. 5:45 am, 6:00 am, 6:15 am, I cannot do 6:07 am). However, I can leave the house at any time (i.e. if we're ready to leave for school, back when they went to school, and it was 7:17, I don't have to wait until 7:30). Therefore, I was fine, it just meant I sometimes had to set my alarm for earlier than absolutely necessary. (My husband, on the other hand, can set his alarm for 6:22 because 6:30 is too late but 6:15 is too early.)

We have a professionally decorated house, but luckily while I spend WAY too much time making sure everything is perfect before people come over (not a problem I've had for the last 3+ months!), I am able to live in the house the rest of the time and not freak out about every little thing. Yes, I do still remind my children not to put their hands on the walls while they walk, but I don't yell about it, I just say it as a reminder, more because I do think learning to take care of things is a good life skill and I don't want them treating other people's houses like a playroom. We also have a nanny and a maid, and the thing I have come to appreciate about them is that, even though they don't do things the exact way I would do them, they are saving me time by doing those things for me. (I will say, when it comes to the way my nanny interacts with my kids I do still have high standards, but when it comes to things that don't matter in the long run or the things she does around the house, I let more go). I mean, I can clean my entire house, but it's going to take away either from my work, the time I get to spend with my family, or my sleep, and I place a higher priority on all those things than I do with the way my microwave was cleaned.

OP, I sympathize with you, and I do often strive to do things the best way (i.e. making my own mayo because all the store-bought ones are predominantly a bad kind of oil, even the ones that advertise that they have olive oil because that's only a small part of it), but I have learned that it's just not worth it all the time to do those things. Is my mayo healthier for my family? Absolutely. Is the increase in health worth the added effort? Nope. The ability to see things like that is what keeps me from being medicated, but I would consider medication in a heartbeat if I was as miserable as you say you are. There is nothing wrong with using medication to help improve the quality of your life, absolutely nothing. People who aren't Type A like us won't understand and they'll just tell you to do less, but I know how hard that can be. So if you can't do it on your own, please consider getting some help to do so. I can't imagine you won't be happier.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, we use this sunscreen:

https://www.amazon.com/Kiss-My-Face-Sunscreen-Hydresia/dp/B00FTCBFVC

It's cream, but it sprays out for easier application. Perhaps you'll still take offense to it, but for me, it was sufficiently safe for my kids, the environment, and animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So homemade hummus is more important than spending time with your kid? Truthfully OP, I don't think you want help. I think you enjoy being smug and holding how "perfect" you are over everyone. The funny this is that no one envies you.

NP. I don't think you appreciate how people's brains actually work. You are assuming that OP wants to feel the way she does about things, but she doesn't. That's why she's asking for help. You, on the other hand, have a chip on your shoulder and are insecure about someone who does anything differently than you do. There is no need to be nasty to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds that you clearly want the best for your kids.

As others have likely suggested (I don't have time to read the whole thread), it may be helpful to see a therapist. If you're reluctant to do this for yourself, you can think of it as being for the kids.

Best of luck.

Sorry, I missed the part where you said that you've already seen a therapist. It may be helpful to go again and to try meds.

Some of the posts here are harsh/overly judgmental. How is that helpful to OP or her kids?

It’s helpful because OP needs a complete 180, not a couple changes here and there.

Couldn't being harsh and overly judgmental just make OP defensive? Saying "OP needs a complete 180" is fine, but telling her that she's ruining her kids' childhoods (just from reading one post) is unnecessary.