Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I can relate to you and (in addition to Zoloft! Ha!) I also try to be very observant when I’m with more relaxed parents. What are the lovely qualities about their children? What are the beautiful dynamics between mother and child? I have two friends in particular that are very laid back. I’ll notice that “Sure Larlo might have a few cavities, but he’s also incredibly creative, independent, and confident.” Or I’ll see that the same Larlo only eats beige, but actually, has a healthy weight and is very athletic. Or sure, Larla doesn’t even play an instrument, but she is so imaginative and her mother joins her in that imaginative world so easily! It’s great chance for cognitive behavioral therapy.

[Anonymous]

Why the f did this b!tch come on here asking for help

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a troll.

But to the rest of you —

Yes, treat and manage your own anxiety (or eating disorder or cleaning obsessions or overspending) and your children will learn from your healthy habits. Please don’t pass down your bad habits and hangups to your kids.

[Anonymous]

I am you OP. It’s hard. I get so bent out of shape over the smallest things and often times can’t enjoy fun things with my kids because I’m worried about the mess or I’m stressing about other things that need to get done. I won’t take meds. I try to let things go as best I can and thank my lucky stars for grandparents and a nanny that love messes with kids and clean it right up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

This is you. You ask for help while being hypercritical of others and lacking self awareness. There is a medium between you, ham sandwiches and capped teetch.

OP here. I don't think I'm being hypercritical of parentsl. I'd be surprised if if most people don't disapprove of medicating a child to sleep. Are all those people hypercritical? Are you being hypercritical of me?


I am hypercritical of my kids, some of the time. That I concede. It's not good.

To address other posts---------

I clearly did a crap job of expressing myself. I'm not smug about the sunscreen or damned hummus. Yeah, I think enjoying an extra 15 minutes on the beach beats rubbing in sunscreen. Yeah, wouldn't it be great to have a fridge food of prepared foods so we can squeeze in that extra Battleship game after dinner. I didn't write things I'm proud of. I wrote things I'm ASHAMED of doing.

My kids has cake for breakfast today because it's the weekend. I let them try whatever they want if they make good food choices overall. No one is has an eating disorder. I had to reply to this because it just irks me. Thank god the kids these days aren't constantly askng "do I look fat in this?" like my friends did way back.

You don't get it. You're saying "its okay to be hypercritical if im right"

There is no right. Stop being critical period. Stop judging period. Regardless of your perceived better or worse.

I agree with other pps.. try therapy and/ or meds. At least for a few months. You refuse because you keep telling yourself that you're not that bad. You are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that.

Take the meds.

LOL. Straight to the point.

[Anonymous]

“Listen no one ever thinks you are perfect. Moms like you are fun and easy targets to make fun of via passive aggressive remarks. Except you are so smug you really truly believe what others tell you.

If a mom tells you "Good for you for doing xyz" or "I would love to have a house as clean and tidy, no toys and now mess " or " I wish we could eat all organic but my kids"
- any of these are the start to snark. the rest of the moms are in on it while you sit there beaming like an idiot.”

Wow, PP, you and your friends sound truly mean and awful. I think you need therapy or some intervention as much as OP does. And I am sure your kids are the mean kids and bullies of their schools. There is another behavior that comes from moms.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any advice but I would love for you to start an AMA thread; e.g. I don’t know why safflower oil is bad or why a granola bar for breakfast is a sin?

[Anonymous]

This thread is useful for me because I never thought about my mom as a perfectionist, she is actually a hoarder, but she does have OCD. No eating imperfect foods! I remember how my brother and I went to a birthday party and started stuffing our pockets with cookies...
I now have some food issues due to always having to eat healthy. I am not close to my parents at all.
I am too lenient in food for my kid, too, and at the same time worried about his weight.
The kicker is that when I was 18, my mom completely let go and I was allowed to do whatever I wanted which also wasn’t healthy. But god forbid I am in a difficult situation, no help, just reproach for acting without thinking yadda yadda yadda.
I wish mom sought help. She is a complete wreck now at 60.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that.

Take the meds.

LOL. Straight to the point.

Haha, yes this is exactly what I wrote, but more to the point.

[Anonymous]

Make sure your kids have say and are helping clean around the house. They won’t learn how hard it is to do those things with you telling them, “Someone else has to work hard to do this.” They will learn that other people work hard to do things for them but they don’t have to. Make sure they are helping to clean. It won’t be perfect but they need work too.
They also need to learn how to make choices. If you control their choices, you will cause anxiety because they don’t learn how to have control.

[Anonymous]

Take those meds OP

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been where you are. You have a serious anxiety disorder and it is born out of fear. Fear for the unknown makes you want to try and control everything, because if you have that control, nothing bad will happen. So much of the advice you've received assumes that the person has a brain that is not always on alert. You see danger where most others see 'eh'. One extra Chips 'A Hoy is not a slippery slope to sloppiness or obesity/disease. But your brain, without medication, does not know this. YOU NEED ANTI-ANXIETY MEDS. They made me a much better parent without changing my inherent personality. And the side effects are minimal to nonexistent. Please do this for your kids and, most importantly, you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m guessing your problems stem from one of your siblings or friends going down “the wrong path” as a child and you feeling lucky/guilty that you made it out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm like you, only not as bad. I feed my kids local organic farm food, and make my own hummus, with some junk food on the side. My kid has counseling once a week, but it's not a top notch shrink and I don't have to drive to get there. I get irritated when the house gets messed up after I just cleaned it. Some days it's a mess, yet I'm the cleanest person I know. I think there are worse ways to be. Being a perfectionist is hard both on the kids and the parents, but I think our kids will grow up to be decent people. If you have two kids, stop there.

Talk therapy may just reinforce it. You could try being messy on purpose. Rub jam all over your hands and let it sit. Spill something on the floor and don't pick it up right away. There is a Japanese concept of wabi sabi or of Native American "spirit beads" where it's okay to have something be imperfect.