Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

You sound like the worst kind of mother. The only ones worse are the physically abusive ones. I have known mothers like you and their kids are really messed up. Your kids are well on their way with the anxiety. I’m sure the anxiety stems from never being enough for you. People with moms like you crack from all the pressure and have breakdowns. Or they just stop trying at all, because what’s the point? Mom will never think they’re good enough even if they do their best.

Hire a good cleaning lady and then go play with your kids! The goal in life is to be happy, not to be perfect. I too have an immaculate house and struggle with everything not being perfect (this pandemic with everyone home 24/7 has been hard on me) but what’s the point of a perfect house if you can’t enjoy it? I love homes that have parties and play dates and I love the sound of squealing little kids. I wash my kids hands often so that my walls aren’t dirty, but I also repaint every 5 years. Just let go!

[Anonymous]

OP -- I am not a perfectionist like you, but I do expect a lot from my kids in certain parts of their lives. I expect them to work very hard at school and their sport, I hold them to a high level of decency and don't accept any mean/unkind behavior, and I expect a certain level of maturity/independence. They also always are well groomed and in clean clothes that fit. But our house is not perfect, and they eat junk food sometimes (along with plenty of fruits/veggies and other healthy foods). I think you need to let certain things go, and my first suggestion is the good. Obsession with food can only lead to bad results in my experience. We didn't die from eating junk food and your kids won't either. Moderation is key and teaching kids that food is fuel for their bodies. As athletes, my kids understand that they should eat healthy food not just because mom says do, but because it's better for performance, etc. As they get older, they understand this more. So try to work on letting the good thing go...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I am not a perfectionist like you, but I do expect a lot from my kids in certain parts of their lives. I expect them to work very hard at school and their sport, I hold them to a high level of decency and don't accept any mean/unkind behavior, and I expect a certain level of maturity/independence. They also always are well groomed and in clean clothes that fit. But our house is not perfect, and they eat junk food sometimes (along with plenty of fruits/veggies and other healthy foods). I think you need to let certain things go, and my first suggestion is the good. Obsession with food can only lead to bad results in my experience. We didn't die from eating junk food and your kids won't either. Moderation is key and teaching kids that food is fuel for their bodies. As athletes, my kids understand that they should eat healthy food not just because mom says do, but because it's better for performance, etc. As they get older, they understand this more. So try to work on letting the good thing go...

Food, not good

[Anonymous]

I am a perfectionist and would love to be a perfectionist parent but I can’t because I have two boys and a husband with severe ADHD. I can barely get this ship to function. It’s a cruel joke played on me by the universe.

[Anonymous]

OP is our husband an enabler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is saffron oil killing children or something? Was there an alert that I missed?

LOL at saffron oil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is saffron oil killing children or something? Was there an alert that I missed?

LOL at saffron oil.

It’s sunflower or vegetable oil and it’s the junk food of oil according to the worried well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

You call yourself a perfectionist but you are making some truly terrible parenting choices by nitpicking and obsessing. Maybe it would help you to try to reframe those patterns as very undesirable ones (way, way worse than lollipop permitting) rather than perfectionistic. I think I value the same sorts of things you do in regards to healthy eating and media use but I am acutely aware of how damaging a critical environment is so that helps me be more flexible about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an idea for you - declare one afternoon a kids choice afternoon - let them pick their own meal, what they want to do that afternoon and just accept it!! See how it goes for you - can you do it? I mean my biggest concern is these kids are adults by 18 and will be making their own choices and you want to raise kids that can gradually grow into that space - controlling them will mean they can never really launch themselves

Jennifer Garner highlighted a book about Yes Day - I think she does it once a year. She'll say yes to anything all day that her kids ask for as long as it won't kill anyone or start a fire, basically. So, pizza and french fries for breakfast? Yes! Driving the car? Ehhh .... want to go drive go-karts? Yes! Jumping on the beds while blasting music? Yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

You are truly not well

[Anonymous]

We were never especially neurotic, but we did lower our standards with each additional kid. So, maybe try having like three more in rapid succession? Kidding mostly, but a tiny bit not kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you probably will get flamed for this, but it’s obvious that your heart is in the right place: you care about what is best for your children.

I grew up in a similar household, I had a stay at home mom that gave us healthy homemade snacks daily, and nightly home cooked dinners. The truth is, kids don’t value or appreciate these efforts. I remember when I went to overnight summer camp for the first time and came home so excited to “introduce” my parents to ranch; I couldn’t believe that something like ranch existed and they wouldn’t be interested in buying some for themselves. Similarly, when I went off to college I gained the quickest freshman 20 because my body simply was not used to food outside the vegetarian organic meals offered by my parents.

That said, as a parent myself I can sincerely appreciate their efforts, but I’ve found that moderation is what is most healthy, despite not being as healthy. While your post speaks nothing of weight, I’m thin, and personally eat a healthy, primarily raw diet - as a note, we do not keep ranch in the house! I don’t force the same standards upon my child; there is an expectation that we’ll eat a healthy well balanced dinner every night. However, I’m the first one to hand her a chewy bar if she’s acting hungry. Given my own upbringing, my thoughts are that it is much healthier to introduce processed “ssnacks” while supplementing with healthy meals.

Finally, in my option there’s nothing wrong with keeping a clean orderly home, or catering after school activities to each child’s interests. The sunscreen sounds crazy, but that is simply because I imagine constantly wiping “sunscreen prints” off surfaces. I think you need to realize that childhood is an introductory period for your child: if you so strictly control each aspect of their lives, it will be much harder for them to find their ways on their own. Just my two cents.

OP here. Thank for writing. I went to HYP for undergrad and grad. I'd say my most successful classmates were either from immigrant families that were almost overbearing and the other half were from helicopter-type families. There's something to be said about intensive parenting, and who knows how you would have ended up with different parents. Maybe instead of body issues, you'd be morbidly obese like my in-laws, who literally say they won't eat vegetarian food because they're not vegetarian. That said, it would be wonderful to have the best of the free-range and helicoper parents. I'm aiming for that middle path. It's been hard, though, as you can tell by my post.

OP, I know you want the best for your kids. I'd suggest relaxing the clothing rules and the home organization rules first. Getting rid of those won't hurt your childrens' academic success or health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing you might consider is that constant stress is toxic to your kids as well -not a lot of research/evidence on harms of non-organic food or chemical sunscreen, but there is a lot on the impacts of constant stress.

OP here. Agreed! 100%. They seem pretty happy, though. How would I know if they were stressed? (DD’s anxiety isn’t unhappiness. Different things.)

Kids are so resilient. I grew up in a rough neighborhood where kids were straight up beaten, cussed at and way worse. We all looked and prob were pretty damned happy. Maybe becomes we were all the same boat. No one felt sorry for themselves and we just enjoyed our time playing. That actually still haunts me. Many of my old friends ended up badly. You never really know what’s going on in a kid’s inner life. Total aside, but a neighbor’s child just od’ed and died. His family seemed so nice—like warm and relaxed and so jovial! (not like me)—and he seemed happy.

Anyway, serious question. How do you know your kids are happy? They are all a smiley, giggles bunch to me.

I think your style of parenting stems from your desire to be a very stark contrast to your own parents. Nonetheless, your kids may not even realize that you are strict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were never especially neurotic, but we did lower our standards with each additional kid. So, maybe try having like three more in rapid succession? Kidding mostly, but a tiny bit not kidding.

I was going to post this exact thing! In my experience having a bunch of kids really helps you prioritize what is important. Maybe older 2 watch a YouTube while you get the baby to sleep. Or your hands are full so everyone has a granola bar and blueberries for snack. The dirty shirt is worn for an hour before you have time to help them change. Have like 3-4 more kids in a short time window and then let’s talk!

[Anonymous]

My kids are past ES now but our next door neighbor was like this for so many years, until her recent near-death experience. Her kids were only allowed one small snack after school and they had to do homework the second they walked in the door. Her house looked like something out of a magazine. My kids are a little older than hers but mine were always outside playing in the summers and hers were doing math for hours a day. She and her husband are ~15 years younger than my husband and I. We were unapologetically (and still are) totally free range. Like no rules. My daughter graduated hs in the top 1% of her class and her's is, well, a screw-up. She has had several boyfriends years older than her and is extremely rebellious. I only stumbled upon this forum recently.