Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

You are not so self-aware if you can’t see that what you are doing is the epitome of black and white thinking.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder or something. Because deep down you don't really want to change and think everyone else has the problem. There's a British comedian named Jon Richardson who has this diagnosis and has been very open about the negative impact it's had on his life and relationships, and the way he describes his thought processes sound exactly like what you're saying. Rigid, perfectionist, hyper-critical of himself and others, fixated on cleanliness and health and doing everything just so or he freaks out.

Are you really looking to change? Because you say you are in your posts but that's not the impression given off by everything else. It seems like you're considering the idea that something might be off because someone else told you it was, but you don't really believe it.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are going to grow up and move far away from you. Do you understand that?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are also HYP grads and neither of us or any of our friends had an upbringing like you're describing, OP.

You call yourself a perfectionist but you have a child who has already absorbed your anxiety. That's not perfect. Sorry.

You're yelling and nitpicking your children who just want their mother's love and approval. That's not perfect.

You need meds. Try it for a couple months and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

One thing you might consider is that constant stress is toxic to your kids as well -not a lot of research/evidence on harms of non-organic food or chemical sunscreen, but there is a lot on the impacts of constant stress.

[Anonymous]

Tell your daughter's psychologist what you told us and ask her if she thinks you're a perfect parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

You are not great or awesome.
You are not the idea parent.
You are not doing it better than everyone else.
You have nothing to be smug about.

Your children tell other moms that they like going to their house because they can touch things and eat normal food. The moms then judge you harshly.
The mom doesn’t like coming to your home for play dates. She is lying and being passive aggressive towards you but you are so smug you can’t see thought her.

OP here. You must made my point. I agree with most of your criticisms. Except I don’t believe you’re any better thank I am. While I see your flaws, I am not full of venom. I don’t approve of some parenting techniques, but It doesn’t make me want to “take them down a notch.” We all make sacrifices somewhere, and I understand their priorities are different. That’s curious to me, not a threat. Obviously, I wish I could shift mine.

Or maybe that makes me smug to reply smugly to a smug poster.

BTW, You think you know what the child I had over for the play date was thinking? How? You could be right or wrong. More likely, you only see what you want to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter's psychologist what you told us and ask her if she thinks you're a perfect parent.

Never said I was perfect. If I did, I wouldn’t be here. DD’s psych will be done after 12-weeks. She said the anxiety is moderate, and she doesn’t see a need to continuing therapy given her case and severity. Other Child has no anxiety, beyond what’s normal. Genes, I think.

[Anonymous]

Op please try medications. It sounds like you really want to be self aware but it’s very hard to do when your brain is playing tricks on you and your thinking is so black and white. You sound like someone who really wants to be the best mom you can to your kids and refusing to take medication that could help you get there is not doing that. It’s letting your pride and preconceptions get in the way of being the mom your kids need - also think about the example you want to set for them. Humility is one of the things I go for - the ability to say hey I do a lot of things great but I need help in some areas.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you sound remarkably self-aware. I don't know if a professional will recommend that you try to treat traits that are intrinsic to your personality with medication. As I said earlier, I do think that it comes down to making choices. I focus on my kids' moral and language development and physical fitness. Their messy rooms annoy me but I don't force the issue often now that they are getting older. I would rather read a tale from 1,001 Nights to them or a poem by Keats. I enjoy the tidiness of my room, and they begin to understand that if they want that peace of mind they must make the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are also HYP grads and neither of us or any of our friends had an upbringing like you're describing, OP.

You call yourself a perfectionist but you have a child who has already absorbed your anxiety. That's not perfect. Sorry.

You're yelling and nitpicking your children who just want their mother's love and approval. That's not perfect.

You need meds. Try it for a couple months and see what happens.

Where did I say I’m perfect?

Perfectionist is a different story and generally has negative connotations.

You sure do jump to conclusions a lot.

Your college experience is yours. We all self segregate into our own little pods wher me they feel most comfortable.

One child has anxiety and one does not. Genes also play a role. What makes you think DD wouldn’t have it if she grew up in another family? My other child shows no signs of it.

How often do you yell? Would love to know what’s normal. That would actually be helpful.

Yup, I’m being defensive and smug. And so are you. I suppose if I wanted to go all in, I’d say something about your character. But I just don’t know you as well as you think you know me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you sound remarkably self-aware. I don't know if a professional will recommend that you try to treat traits that are intrinsic to your personality with medication. As I said earlier, I do think that it comes down to making choices. I focus on my kids' moral and language development and physical fitness. Their messy rooms annoy me but I don't force the issue often now that they are getting older. I would rather read a tale from 1,001 Nights to them or a poem by Keats. I enjoy the tidiness of my room, and they begin to understand that if they want that peace of mind they must make the effort.

OP here. Yes priorities. Great idea! I get bogged down by the vicissitudes of life and can forget to prioritize. Don’t do it all. Thank you. I will write them down today. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm kind of like you. We have only 1 child. I wanted to do everything perfect for our child. I grew up poor and one of 6 children, and our parents never even told us they loved us. I grew up with not going to a dentist, and had a couple of back teeth pulled out by the age of 14. We are not rich, but not poor either. I buy mostly organic food, try to avoid junk food at any cost- but my husband is not into it ( so that makes it hard). My child sleeps in organic bed sheets etc. Anyway, our 5 year old is so picky about food, she doesn't have any appreciation for anything and doesn't listen to me at all. In the public, my child doesn't even talk, she is very shy or I don't know, now I probably have to seek psychologist for that, because that's not normal. I worry, that after trying so hard do everything perfect, my child is not even an average child. I'm working full time and am exhausted to take care of my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

This is not something you want to hear, but only meds helped me. I tried everything else. It was only after meds that I realized how disordered and uptight my thinking was, how I was constantly clenched and on edge and how wonderful it is for both myself and my child for me NOT to feel that way. I felt sleepy and in a fog for the first 2 weeks, but once that lifted I instantly became a better, more patient, more engaged parent. There are mild side effects but they are worth it and I would tolerate a lot more for the sake of my child.

[Anonymous]

I think your child knows that you love her perfectly, and that is what matters most. She is becoming the child she is supposed to be, thanks to you. If you have other children the fact that some things are genetic will be easier to see. I have 3 kids and one is naturally a perfectionist, another is more easy-going, and the last one is insanely extroverted. I used to go out of my mind trying to get the oldest to focus on details more ("Did you leave the light in your room on AGAIN?") until it hit me that certain things do not register for her. Your daughter does not have an average mother. I hope you will not think of her as average or less. She will surprise you, I promise.