Divorce Perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been following this thread with interest and I appreciate OP putting his thoughts/feelings out there and working on himself etc

I am in a similar position but a woman with 3 kids to raise. My divorce is 3 years out and I am doing well in many areas of my life … but romance, not so much.
I went on a date last Friday and the guy was all into me and then we texted but it slowed down from his end. I don't know why it affects me so much and I cannot just be more relaxed about it.

NP here. Because you are human! I think it's actual a normal human response to like someone and then feel a little sad if they show interest in you and then kind of disappear. I'm not sure if this is a millennial contribution or just a result of internet/online/virtual life, but the notion that we're all supposed to be automatons without feelings and kind of cool with just sort of superficial on again/off again communication is ridiculous.

My advice to you is to forget him. You don't necessarily need for someone to text you a lot, but you should look for consistency. If someone texts a lot and then kind of fades away and then texts a lot and then fades away, you need to cut him off. He's only going to end up hurting you. He's either emotionally unavailable or using you as kind of a back burner while pursuing someone for whom he has feelings but isn't confident likes him back. Don't let a guy use you for validation only to leave you feeling unvalidated.

Side note: he's probably being used by someone as a back burner as well, which is why he is stringing you along.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate your post, thanks for giving the suggestion to forget him. Deleted him

It is hard to find a quality partner later in life so it shouldn't be a surprise that the process is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading self help articles when I got divorced six years ago that said over time all wounds heal and you “thrive” again. Well, the results are in and I didn’t meet that ideal. On the positive side, I am definitely over my ex wife who is happily remarried as I understand, I’ve tried to be a good dad, and remain gainfully employed thankfully. But I’ve been alone all these years, still live in the same apartment to which I fled, and don’t have much of a plan other than to retire, buy a border collie, and move somewhere picturesque and way less expensive than here. Anyway, I just am wondering if you’ve been divorced five or more years are you “thriving?”

I am but only in the last two years. I have been divorced since 2011. My XH cheated and it gutted me for a lot of reasons as it was out of character for him and, I loved my husband. We didn't have children (yet, we had been working on them for most of the marriage) and I couldn't stay married to a cheater. The wounds were deep though and I had several other losses in the years right after so cumulatively it was a lot of emotional pain. I got a good therapist in 2016 as I hit rock bottom and was considering killing myself, and working with them helped me get it together. I hope you find your happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

#notallwomen This is some advice women get all of the time, hey, maybe it will work for you: perhaps you should explore what attracted you to these types of women in the first place? Dig at that and maybe you can figure out how to recognize the cues so that you can move past those kinds of women to have a good relationship with someone who wants to be with you as you want to be with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading self help articles when I got divorced six years ago that said over time all wounds heal and you “thrive” again. Well, the results are in and I didn’t meet that ideal. On the positive side, I am definitely over my ex wife who is happily remarried as I understand, I’ve tried to be a good dad, and remain gainfully employed thankfully. But I’ve been alone all these years, still live in the same apartment to which I fled, and don’t have much of a plan other than to retire, buy a border collie, and move somewhere picturesque and way less expensive than here. Anyway, I just am wondering if you’ve been divorced five or more years are you “thriving?”

I am but only in the last two years. I have been divorced since 2011. My XH cheated and it gutted me for a lot of reasons as it was out of character for him and, I loved my husband. We didn't have children (yet, we had been working on them for most of the marriage) and I couldn't stay married to a cheater. The wounds were deep though and I had several other losses in the years right after so cumulatively it was a lot of emotional pain. I got a good therapist in 2016 as I hit rock bottom and was considering killing myself, and working with them helped me get it together. I hope you find your happiness.

I’m very sorry. That sounds awful, but you sound like a strong woman. Being cheated on by someone you loved and trusted and pledged your life to us absolutely devastating. I also faced loss of a beloved parent at the same time so can relate a lot to what you wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised and impressed with the number of men on this post who are primary parents and who have put their kids needs ahead of relationship status. So many posts you hear on here are where men are good with every other weekend schedule so that they can date/have more time for work etc. but that is not the case with some of the men on this post.

It's one more sign that women's movement is beneficial to men as they are now able/expected to participate in their kids' lives since more women are now working outside of home as well.

Which is ultimately, good for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been following this thread with interest and I appreciate OP putting his thoughts/feelings out there and working on himself etc

I am in a similar position but a woman with 3 kids to raise. My divorce is 3 years out and I am doing well in many areas of my life … but romance, not so much.
I went on a date last Friday and the guy was all into me and then we texted but it slowed down from his end. I don't know why it affects me so much and I cannot just be more relaxed about it.

NP here. Because you are human! I think it's actual a normal human response to like someone and then feel a little sad if they show interest in you and then kind of disappear. I'm not sure if this is a millennial contribution or just a result of internet/online/virtual life, but the notion that we're all supposed to be automatons without feelings and kind of cool with just sort of superficial on again/off again communication is ridiculous.

My advice to you is to forget him. You don't necessarily need for someone to text you a lot, but you should look for consistency. If someone texts a lot and then kind of fades away and then texts a lot and then fades away, you need to cut him off. He's only going to end up hurting you. He's either emotionally unavailable or using you as kind of a back burner while pursuing someone for whom he has feelings but isn't confident likes him back. Don't let a guy use you for validation only to leave you feeling unvalidated.

Side note: he's probably being used by someone as a back burner as well, which is why he is stringing you along.

NP but, when does all this end? Most people want to love and be loved, right? Why is all of this so hard? You would think adults who had some battle scars would be better at this but it seems like it's worse than ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid-50s male. Thriving 5 years after divorce.

Mentally: ex-wife was an abusive borderline personality disordered woman, so being away from her is indescribably wonderful. I have had tremendous mental contentment the past few years, and I no longer require therapy.

Physically: I have lost 50 pounds, I work out most days, and I'm approaching being ripped. My BP is lower now than it was at any time during the marriage.

Financially: I never realized while I was married how much of a millstone my unproductive and selfish ex was on my financial status. I am now planning to retire with $4.5 million in savings, and a pension + SS income of $150,000. Retirement plan is to either buy a house on the beach, or a farm or ranch in the mountains. Maybe both, if real estate prices don't go up too quickly.

Professionally: I am already a leader in my field, but the mental abuse and anguish my ex put on me for the last decade of marriage slowed my rate of promotion. My career is back fully on-track and I expect to be promoted soon.

Romantically: I have dated at least 130 women since the divorce, and had sex with about a dozen of them. Of all those women, only a few were worth the effort, and only one or two would I marry. One of them I would worship--she was an amazing goddess.

Recreationally: I have returned to my old hobbies which I was not allowed to have when I was married, and these alone bring me a lot of happiness.

So - no kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been following this thread with interest and I appreciate OP putting his thoughts/feelings out there and working on himself etc

I am in a similar position but a woman with 3 kids to raise. My divorce is 3 years out and I am doing well in many areas of my life … but romance, not so much.
I went on a date last Friday and the guy was all into me and then we texted but it slowed down from his end. I don't know why it affects me so much and I cannot just be more relaxed about it.

NP here. Because you are human! I think it's actual a normal human response to like someone and then feel a little sad if they show interest in you and then kind of disappear. I'm not sure if this is a millennial contribution or just a result of internet/online/virtual life, but the notion that we're all supposed to be automatons without feelings and kind of cool with just sort of superficial on again/off again communication is ridiculous.

My advice to you is to forget him. You don't necessarily need for someone to text you a lot, but you should look for consistency. If someone texts a lot and then kind of fades away and then texts a lot and then fades away, you need to cut him off. He's only going to end up hurting you. He's either emotionally unavailable or using you as kind of a back burner while pursuing someone for whom he has feelings but isn't confident likes him back. Don't let a guy use you for validation only to leave you feeling unvalidated.

Side note: he's probably being used by someone as a back burner as well, which is why he is stringing you along.

NP but, when does all this end? Most people want to love and be loved, right? Why is all of this so hard? You would think adults who had some battle scars would be better at this but it seems like it's worse than ever.

I'm the PP. I agree with you. And yes, you would think that adults with battle scars (and being older and supposedly more mature) would be better, but I actually think that men in their 40s with battle scars are the worst for this type of behavior. They seem (just from observations of friends) seem to be the most inclined to want to have their iron in a lot of fires. I think that it is, one, they feel like having a bunch of back burner relationships insulates them from getting too hurt or being alone and, two, because they were hurt and are aging, they need a lot of validation but are unwilling to commit enough to really get the kind of meaningful and truly satisfying validation for which they yearn. So they pursue superficial validation.

[Anonymous]

^^ PP from above. That should be a lot of irons in the fire. But "their iron" sounded better, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid-50s male. Thriving 5 years after divorce.

Mentally: ex-wife was an abusive borderline personality disordered woman, so being away from her is indescribably wonderful. I have had tremendous mental contentment the past few years, and I no longer require therapy.

Physically: I have lost 50 pounds, I work out most days, and I'm approaching being ripped. My BP is lower now than it was at any time during the marriage.

Financially: I never realized while I was married how much of a millstone my unproductive and selfish ex was on my financial status. I am now planning to retire with $4.5 million in savings, and a pension + SS income of $150,000. Retirement plan is to either buy a house on the beach, or a farm or ranch in the mountains. Maybe both, if real estate prices don't go up too quickly.

Professionally: I am already a leader in my field, but the mental abuse and anguish my ex put on me for the last decade of marriage slowed my rate of promotion. My career is back fully on-track and I expect to be promoted soon.

Romantically: I have dated at least 130 women since the divorce, and had sex with about a dozen of them. Of all those women, only a few were worth the effort, and only one or two would I marry. One of them I would worship--she was an amazing goddess.

Recreationally: I have returned to my old hobbies which I was not allowed to have when I was married, and these alone bring me a lot of happiness.

So - no kids?

Yes, kids. One is doing great, one isn't.

[Anonymous]

^ you sound like you’re trying too hard to convince us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

You cannot dictate what someone else does after you divorce. My husband like previous poster didn't think he wanted more kids. He agreed and loves being a Dad again but its much easier as now he has more income and a very different marital relationship. He has no regrets. Its not your choice.

Well he would have to have the vasectomy reversed which is doctor said has a very low chance of success ....so there’s that.

Or, adoption or sperm donation or removing the sperm. There are ways to do it. My husband had a vasc. and didn't want more kids. I did, he caved in and glad he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

Agree. It's not fair to the kids, they don't want steps, and half siblings. I wish people would stop doing that, have kids with 1 partner. It's messing up all the kids who can't get enough attention and care from their bios. My friends DH made sure to get a vasectomy to ensure his kids were protected after divorce.

Inheritance is another issue once they start adding more step siblings and wives. Second, third wives that could get $ over their kids from first marriage.

Too many complications. The worst is too many households during the holidays. Yuck

The current wife should get the money. Kids should only inherit after both of the couple pass except when a parent dictates otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

Agree. It's not fair to the kids, they don't want steps, and half siblings. I wish people would stop doing that, have kids with 1 partner. It's messing up all the kids who can't get enough attention and care from their bios. My friends DH made sure to get a vasectomy to ensure his kids were protected after divorce.

I would not have wanted my sibling given a choice. Its not their choice. I couldn't care less what my husband's kids would have wanted nor did he. He can still be a man and take care of his kids and have more.