Divorce Perspective

[Anonymous]

Separated 5.5 years (divorce held up based on extensive business evaluations), haven’t dated any more then 2 dates and nothing in the last year or so. I am not thriving but my kids are and with 2 teen boys, I’ll wait until they are out of the house to commit to trying for anything serious. What is three more years...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

So true! Spouses AM affair partner started out with the entire “just for excitement, never want to leave marriage” AM template. Within a few meeting yo started expressing how much she hated her husband. Over time she started getting upset AP wasn’t in sane have and happy at home. Last few months she started talking about leaving her spouse for him. That’s when AP got out, he was like wtf? U want to blend families and think teen boys are going to accept some strange woman who was screwing their mom or her kids a man screwing their mom? Delusion. He also was like zero desire to do any blended famil crap and going to get kids future weddings- and especially since he was really just doing it to blow a load. She was looking for a rich guy as an exit out if her miserable marriage and so she could continue not working...and prob f@ck guys stay home when he left for the office in a few years. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Guy late 50s, split 5 years ago, young kids. Very glad to be ‘free’ of cheating ex. Enjoyed dating for a few years and no plans to marry. No time for a border collie !

I’m 50 too. Got a vasectomy. Zero desire to ever remarry or have more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought border collies were the one thing we could all agree on.

No f@cking way. They are super high energy, super high maintenance as a breed. You literally need a farm or ranch in Montana.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man. Late 30s. Divorced 7 years ago.

I don't feel like I'm thriving, but my life is definitely better on paper. I got another degree and changed careers. I got in really good shape, grew out my beard, and changed my wardrobe. I dated women who were far more attractive than my ex-wife. I never failed as a father, but without a wife who doesn't really want to be there our trips and home life seem to be so much happier. It's lonely. I wish I had another adult to share these moments with. I wouldn't mind having another kid with the right person. A part of me still can't shake the insecurities that come with being cheated on. So in that case I don't feel like I'm thriving, but I think it's all about what you focus your energy on. You can focus on what was or what can be.

+1. Similar experience. Though maybe you are thriving more than you realize

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Border collie here: We are misunderstood as a breed. Our high energy is a sign of affection. And you know you love us! Now where those sheep’s at? BC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Guy late 50s, split 5 years ago, young kids. Very glad to be ‘free’ of cheating ex. Enjoyed dating for a few years and no plans to marry. No time for a border collie !

I’m 50 too. Got a vasectomy. Zero desire to ever remarry or have more kids.

My husband did the same thing.. then he got married and had another kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was cheated on and devastated by the divorce. His ex was horrible to him especially about seeing the kids. Years later we met, got married and have kids. Life is good and he's much happier. Don't give up hope and don't close yourself off to love. We've been married 15 years. He's a great husband. I got very lucky.

I’m the immediate PP above you. Thank you for chiming in. I have 2 young kids already, which adds to my lack of desire to date. Maybe in a few years when they’re older I’ll feel more ready. Betrayal does a real number on a person. I’m glad your DH was able to move on and found you. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Lassie never made anyone happy.

But hey....
You could be the first.

Better Lassie than felines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

+1 Same, sis.
After my abusive, cheating, narcissistic ex, I really can't stomach the thought. I love using this time to focus on myself and my children, I'm teaching them how to heal in a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Guy late 50s, split 5 years ago, young kids. Very glad to be ‘free’ of cheating ex. Enjoyed dating for a few years and no plans to marry. No time for a border collie !

I’m 50 too. Got a vasectomy. Zero desire to ever remarry or have more kids.

My husband did the same thing.. then he got married and had another kid.

The reversal worked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in.

[Anonymous]

This thread really has me thinking that marriage and divorce can exhaust a person to the point where they just don't want to get involved again. My SIL is like this - nice looking woman, pleasant, funny who after an unbelievably bad 18 year marriage and three or four boyfriends after isn't even interested in a man, though she is open to it if the right person came into her life through friends, work, etc. Can't say I blame her.