Divorce Perspective

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in.

That's the definition of using her. You wanted to keep her neatly compartmentalized and just see her on your terms without consideration for what she wanted. You're upset that she developed feelings for you when that wasn't part of the "deal" you demanded. Just stay single. Your outlook is messed up. She made you prioritize her and her child above your own? She must not have been interested in you because she had the self respect to move on when you made it clear to her that she didn't mean much to you?

You need professional help. You're passing on these misogynistic views to your children.

PP here.

Uh, no. You're projecting. It wasn't a "deal" I "demanded." In fact, that was the arrangement SHE initially described, to which I agreed. What you don't seem to grasp is the "feelings" didn't "develop" over time -- the neediness emerged very quickly and began to border on possessiveness. It wasn't ME she was so interested in so much as the "relationship." Maybe it wasn't so much moving the goalposts as a bait-and-switch. And, yes, when she started having her daughter (who I liked well enough) sleep at my place more regularly and my own kids were uncomfortable and she was criticizing my kids for not being more welcoming, that was the end of that as far as I was concerned.

I don't really care that she moved on -- I'm just saying that announcing to the world you're in a relationship with someone new three weeks later suggests those "feelings" you seem to believe she had for me weren't particularly deep. She was motivated more by needing to be partnered than by feelings for someone.

I gave it 8 months. I treated her well. But the accumulation of drama and need became too much. I had told her very early on that I wouldn't live with anyone at least as long as my kids were in my house. I don't know if she forgot or chose to ignore it. But it was patently clear to me her ultimate goal was for that to happen -- she wanted to be taken care of.

I was consistent and communicated clearly. And I finally found the spine I lost in my marriage.

You throw around the word "misogyny" much too casually.

You should have dumped her sooner or told her no to her and her kids sleeping there when your kids are there and should have set clear boundaries. Not all women are like that.

Yes, I am aware that I should have dumped her sooner. That spine thing is something I am working on in therapy.

When the timing is right, you will meet the right person. My husband didn't want to marry again after his ex - she did a number on him. We've been married over 15 years with kids. Glad he changed his mine. Her loss is my gain and he's a great husband and father.

You should thank her. Most likely he was a complete @ss in that marriage and worked on himself. The amount of therapy my husband is going through now will make him a good man for the next woman. He f@cked up royally 20 years into our marriage with a lot of suppressed childhood trauma that was unaddressed. So don’t be so callous, most likely he us nothing like he was in his first marriage.

No, he wasn't a complete ass as I talked to the AP's wife who we have kept in contact with. He was a really good Dad and husband and was always good to her even post divorce when she had the affair. Maybe you triggered the issues and were part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^LOL, not sure what circles you run in but the single moms I know all had the divorce diet and the Mommy makeover and are super fit. It’s the still married ones that are “comfortable”.

That is not my experience as a divorced dad. I reject at least 90 percent of the women who "match" with me because they look awful. How hard is it to take 6 months and lose the excess 40 pounds before you date? How much does it cost to get a decent haircut and clothes?

I don’t know about the weight loss, but hair and clothes can cost a lot even if you don’t have kids at home to support. I met DH as a divorcee with two kids and I wore clothes I bought at the thrift store because my XH was inconsistent with CS and I had to cover the kids’ needs myself most of the time. I just really couldn’t imagine spending $200 on a date outfit. DH thought I was smart and funny. He didn’t care about the clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

Agree. It's not fair to the kids, they don't want steps, and half siblings. I wish people would stop doing that, have kids with 1 partner. It's messing up all the kids who can't get enough attention and care from their bios. My friends DH made sure to get a vasectomy to ensure his kids were protected after divorce.

+1. It's not fair to the existing kids, and they should be the priority. Being married to a man or woman with kids means you put the kids first even if they're not yours. It's not easy being a good stepparent, which is why there are so many horror stories about stepmonsters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^LOL, not sure what circles you run in but the single moms I know all had the divorce diet and the Mommy makeover and are super fit. It’s the still married ones that are “comfortable”.

That is not my experience as a divorced dad. I reject at least 90 percent of the women who "match" with me because they look awful. How hard is it to take 6 months and lose the excess 40 pounds before you date? How much does it cost to get a decent haircut and clothes?

I don’t know about the weight loss, but hair and clothes can cost a lot even if you don’t have kids at home to support. I met DH as a divorcee with two kids and I wore clothes I bought at the thrift store because my XH was inconsistent with CS and I had to cover the kids’ needs myself most of the time. I just really couldn’t imagine spending $200 on a date outfit. DH thought I was smart and funny. He didn’t care about the clothes.

Good for you for being a responsible parent. That PP is unusual. Most straight guys don't care very much about women's fashion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^LOL, not sure what circles you run in but the single moms I know all had the divorce diet and the Mommy makeover and are super fit. It’s the still married ones that are “comfortable”.

That is not my experience as a divorced dad. I reject at least 90 percent of the women who "match" with me because they look awful. How hard is it to take 6 months and lose the excess 40 pounds before you date? How much does it cost to get a decent haircut and clothes?

I don’t know about the weight loss, but hair and clothes can cost a lot even if you don’t have kids at home to support. I met DH as a divorcee with two kids and I wore clothes I bought at the thrift store because my XH was inconsistent with CS and I had to cover the kids’ needs myself most of the time. I just really couldn’t imagine spending $200 on a date outfit. DH thought I was smart and funny. He didn’t care about the clothes.

I am a recently divorced dad, and my wardrobe is totally inadequate for dating. Most of it is old and doesn’t fit well. In an ideal world I could get by on jeans, a t shirt, and my inherent hotness, but I am going to have to shell out a pretty penny on clothes this summer.

[Anonymous]

Divorced dad, re wardrobe, guess it depends on what kind of woman you are attracted to but I think it is more important that you look clean, good posture and have a variety of photos. I see too many guys with crazy hair, scraggly beards, wrinkly shirts, sitting on their couch or laying down. They look like they are daring you to swipe right?!

Not attractive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad, re wardrobe, guess it depends on what kind of woman you are attracted to but I think it is more important that you look clean, good posture and have a variety of photos. I see too many guys with crazy hair, scraggly beards, wrinkly shirts, sitting on their couch or laying down. They look like they are daring you to swipe right?!

Not attractive!

+1. There's actually something very unattractive to me about men who focus too much on clothing and primping. I'm fine with a guy who isn't horribly outdated and keeps his hair short and neat. Basics like khaki pants or shorts, golf shirts, t-shirts, regular button-front work type shirts - all of this is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^LOL, not sure what circles you run in but the single moms I know all had the divorce diet and the Mommy makeover and are super fit. It’s the still married ones that are “comfortable”.

That is not my experience as a divorced dad. I reject at least 90 percent of the women who "match" with me because they look awful. How hard is it to take 6 months and lose the excess 40 pounds before you date? How much does it cost to get a decent haircut and clothes?

I don’t know about the weight loss, but hair and clothes can cost a lot even if you don’t have kids at home to support. I met DH as a divorcee with two kids and I wore clothes I bought at the thrift store because my XH was inconsistent with CS and I had to cover the kids’ needs myself most of the time. I just really couldn’t imagine spending $200 on a date outfit. DH thought I was smart and funny. He didn’t care about the clothes.

I am a recently divorced dad, and my wardrobe is totally inadequate for dating. Most of it is old and doesn’t fit well. In an ideal world I could get by on jeans, a t shirt, and my inherent hotness, but I am going to have to shell out a pretty penny on clothes this summer.

Same situation here, but I'm a woman. I should probably get myself to the Beauty and Fashion forum ASAP. It's hard to know where to begin with clothes shopping since stores are all closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad, re wardrobe, guess it depends on what kind of woman you are attracted to but I think it is more important that you look clean, good posture and have a variety of photos. I see too many guys with crazy hair, scraggly beards, wrinkly shirts, sitting on their couch or laying down. They look like they are daring you to swipe right?!

Not attractive!

+1. There's actually something very unattractive to me about men who focus too much on clothing and primping. I'm fine with a guy who isn't horribly outdated and keeps his hair short and neat. Basics like khaki pants or shorts, golf shirts, t-shirts, regular button-front work type shirts - all of this is fine.

You can fix clothing but you cannot fix personality and who they are. My husband had terrible clothing when I dated him. Easy fix. It just wasn't a priority and he didn't have a lot of money after child support and alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad, re wardrobe, guess it depends on what kind of woman you are attracted to but I think it is more important that you look clean, good posture and have a variety of photos. I see too many guys with crazy hair, scraggly beards, wrinkly shirts, sitting on their couch or laying down. They look like they are daring you to swipe right?!

Not attractive!

+1. There's actually something very unattractive to me about men who focus too much on clothing and primping. I'm fine with a guy who isn't horribly outdated and keeps his hair short and neat. Basics like khaki pants or shorts, golf shirts, t-shirts, regular button-front work type shirts - all of this is fine.

That basically is my wardrobe. But... I lost some weight. All my khaki pants have a 36 waist, and some pairs are even 38, but I am now a 34. If I tie the belt tight, the material around the waist scrunches up. My work shirts all have a 17.5 neck and I now have a 17 neck. These shirts hang straight down from the shoulder and then there’s a lot of material that scrunches up when I tuck it into the pants. Also looks bad. Khaki pants and work shirts are all at least 10-15 years old. Best to toss them and start over. Polo shirts are mostly too big and are pretty old so they are starting to have fraying at the collar and the ends of the sleeves. Finally, I have just two really old belts and my only pair of non-work shoes is one pair of sneakers. Overall it’s pretty embarrassing.

I am not an overdressed fop kinda guy. I like the simple things you describe. But newer, and they fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad, re wardrobe, guess it depends on what kind of woman you are attracted to but I think it is more important that you look clean, good posture and have a variety of photos. I see too many guys with crazy hair, scraggly beards, wrinkly shirts, sitting on their couch or laying down. They look like they are daring you to swipe right?!

Not attractive!

+1. There's actually something very unattractive to me about men who focus too much on clothing and primping. I'm fine with a guy who isn't horribly outdated and keeps his hair short and neat. Basics like khaki pants or shorts, golf shirts, t-shirts, regular button-front work type shirts - all of this is fine.

That basically is my wardrobe. But... I lost some weight. All my khaki pants have a 36 waist, and some pairs are even 38, but I am now a 34. If I tie the belt tight, the material around the waist scrunches up. My work shirts all have a 17.5 neck and I now have a 17 neck. These shirts hang straight down from the shoulder and then there’s a lot of material that scrunches up when I tuck it into the pants. Also looks bad. Khaki pants and work shirts are all at least 10-15 years old. Best to toss them and start over. Polo shirts are mostly too big and are pretty old so they are starting to have fraying at the collar and the ends of the sleeves. Finally, I have just two really old belts and my only pair of non-work shoes is one pair of sneakers. Overall it’s pretty embarrassing.

I am not an overdressed fop kinda guy. I like the simple things you describe. But newer, and they fit.

PP here. Yes, they should fit. I get my husband this type of stuff from the Gap when they have sales, sometimes finding some things at TJ Maxx or Marshalls too. Nordstrom for suits, dress pants, and dress shirts and sometimes we have really good luck at Nordstrom Rack for dress shirts too. Under Armour outlet for work out clothes. Merrells makes some good sandals for shorts and casual shoes that go well with jeans to go on a date. His wardrobe looks up to date but not like a ridiculous fashion maven.

Good luck and I hope you find love soon!

[Anonymous]

Clothes don’t matter much to me. A neat appearance and being a nice guy matter more. But I did have one guy tell me that before our date he was going to grab a shirt off the floor and go! He said he wanted me to feel comfortable and not worry about being too done up, but off the floor ?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad, re wardrobe, guess it depends on what kind of woman you are attracted to but I think it is more important that you look clean, good posture and have a variety of photos. I see too many guys with crazy hair, scraggly beards, wrinkly shirts, sitting on their couch or laying down. They look like they are daring you to swipe right?!

Not attractive!

+1. There's actually something very unattractive to me about men who focus too much on clothing and primping. I'm fine with a guy who isn't horribly outdated and keeps his hair short and neat. Basics like khaki pants or shorts, golf shirts, t-shirts, regular button-front work type shirts - all of this is fine.

I like a man that is groomed and cares about his appearance, but I don't want one who primps. There's a fine line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^LOL, not sure what circles you run in but the single moms I know all had the divorce diet and the Mommy makeover and are super fit. It’s the still married ones that are “comfortable”.

That is not my experience as a divorced dad. I reject at least 90 percent of the women who "match" with me because they look awful. How hard is it to take 6 months and lose the excess 40 pounds before you date? How much does it cost to get a decent haircut and clothes?

I don’t know about the weight loss, but hair and clothes can cost a lot even if you don’t have kids at home to support. I met DH as a divorcee with two kids and I wore clothes I bought at the thrift store because my XH was inconsistent with CS and I had to cover the kids’ needs myself most of the time. I just really couldn’t imagine spending $200 on a date outfit. DH thought I was smart and funny. He didn’t care about the clothes.

I am a recently divorced dad, and my wardrobe is totally inadequate for dating. Most of it is old and doesn’t fit well. In an ideal world I could get by on jeans, a t shirt, and my inherent hotness, but I am going to have to shell out a pretty penny on clothes this summer.

Same situation here, but I'm a woman. I should probably get myself to the Beauty and Fashion forum ASAP. It's hard to know where to begin with clothes shopping since stores are all closed.

No absolutely do not take advice from the women on that forum.