Divorce Perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading self help articles when I got divorced six years ago that said over time all wounds heal and you “thrive” again. Well, the results are in and I didn’t meet that ideal. On the positive side, I am definitely over my ex wife who is happily remarried as I understand, I’ve tried to be a good dad, and remain gainfully employed thankfully. But I’ve been alone all these years, still live in the same apartment to which I fled, and don’t have much of a plan other than to retire, buy a border collie, and move somewhere picturesque and way less expensive than here. Anyway, I just am wondering if you’ve been divorced five or more years are you “thriving?”

I really “feel” this post, as the teens say. I’m really kind of sick of the whole OLD thing. I would be happy to just have a roommate, but all my friends are married so I guess I have to wait until a spouse dies?

It really at some point becomes about companionship. I mean, yes, I love sex, but I am just not going to jump into it. Maybe a FWB is more my speed.

I don’t think I am thriving, especially compared to my ex. But I also feel I am wiser. He took up with his woman literally the second we divorced, and they were “close friends” before that (who believes this?). I feel I have learned a lot from the two major failed relationships I have had since marriage. I am not really wanting to put myself out there again.

[Anonymous]

No I am not thriving (female 44 here). I started to pick myself up and then the covid happened. I am back to square one, unemployed, fat, sad, trying to get through divorce proceedings and give my kid what he deserves as he is with me 99% of the time.
I don’t think I will date anytime soon because I am overweight, have a skin condition and a child to care for. I doubt anyone wants to have a weekend of fun with me, let alone help me in my situation. I am on my own and I have never felt more alone in my life tbh. But I am strong and will get through this. Though my son is approaching teenage years, what a thrill.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in.

That's the definition of using her. You wanted to keep her neatly compartmentalized and just see her on your terms without consideration for what she wanted. You're upset that she developed feelings for you when that wasn't part of the "deal" you demanded. Just stay single. Your outlook is messed up. She made you prioritize her and her child above your own? She must not have been interested in you because she had the self respect to move on when you made it clear to her that she didn't mean much to you?

You need professional help. You're passing on these misogynistic views to your children.

[Anonymous]

PP, it was the terms they agreed to, not his alone. What happened to him is typical. He didn’t do anything wrong except for being born with a penis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, it was the terms they agreed to, not his alone. What happened to him is typical. He didn’t do anything wrong except for being born with a penis.

+1. He laid out clearly what he wanted and she apparently agreed to those terms. She is, of course, always free to move on if they don't work for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, it was the terms they agreed to, not his alone. What happened to him is typical. He didn’t do anything wrong except for being born with a penis.

oh please! dramatic much? Nothing to do with gender.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in.

That's the definition of using her. You wanted to keep her neatly compartmentalized and just see her on your terms without consideration for what she wanted. You're upset that she developed feelings for you when that wasn't part of the "deal" you demanded. Just stay single. Your outlook is messed up. She made you prioritize her and her child above your own? She must not have been interested in you because she had the self respect to move on when you made it clear to her that she didn't mean much to you?

You need professional help. You're passing on these misogynistic views to your children.

PP here.

Uh, no. You're projecting. It wasn't a "deal" I "demanded." In fact, that was the arrangement SHE initially described, to which I agreed. What you don't seem to grasp is the "feelings" didn't "develop" over time -- the neediness emerged very quickly and began to border on possessiveness. It wasn't ME she was so interested in so much as the "relationship." Maybe it wasn't so much moving the goalposts as a bait-and-switch. And, yes, when she started having her daughter (who I liked well enough) sleep at my place more regularly and my own kids were uncomfortable and she was criticizing my kids for not being more welcoming, that was the end of that as far as I was concerned.

I don't really care that she moved on -- I'm just saying that announcing to the world you're in a relationship with someone new three weeks later suggests those "feelings" you seem to believe she had for me weren't particularly deep. She was motivated more by needing to be partnered than by feelings for someone.

I gave it 8 months. I treated her well. But the accumulation of drama and need became too much. I had told her very early on that I wouldn't live with anyone at least as long as my kids were in my house. I don't know if she forgot or chose to ignore it. But it was patently clear to me her ultimate goal was for that to happen -- she wanted to be taken care of.

I was consistent and communicated clearly. And I finally found the spine I lost in my marriage.

You throw around the word "misogyny" much too casually.

[Anonymous]

That's the definition of using her.

No, the definition of using someone is when they give you a lot, and you give them little or nothing in return.

If anything, she was using him, and he was wise to avoid her clutches.

[Anonymous]

I had told her very early on that I wouldn't live with anyone at least as long as my kids were in my house. I don't know if she forgot or chose to ignore it. But it was patently clear to me her ultimate goal was for that to happen -- she wanted to be taken care of

She thought she could turn it around through a combination of her diligent attention to Mr Happy and you being too lazy to get rid of her because then you’d have to find another woman.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I divorced 14 years ago, and it’s been great. We had 50/50 custody arrangement which was a huge improvement from 95/5 I had as a married mom. Plus not having to cater to my husband’s whims - being on my own I realized what a mental drain my marriage has been. But I guess I wasn’t opposed to marriage on principle, and two years later I got married again. We are still together.

[Anonymous]

You may be able to adopt a border collie or border collie mix. A border collie is probably not the best choice if you are a "tired" person in general, though.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Woman here. Yes there are a lot of single women and single women with kids just looking for a man to pay the bills.

Like the men who are mainly looking for a sex cushion who will take care of their ageing body.

A guy whose body isn’t in decent shape isn’t going to get a sex cushion.

Late 40s or early 50s, you still gotta be sex-worthy, boys. Get yourself to the gym.

I'm a woman and that is not true. Guys with a decent retirement and assets have little trouble. Especially if they treat the woman well. He can look like Elmer Fudd, and she could be the local waitress. The sexes want different things, but sex is the power leveler especially with men. Women are looking more down the road for themselves and the family security.

If you’re in good shape you’ll get a newer and better quality cushion. A cushion with less... cushion. And believe me, single moms usually have plenty of cushion.

Not if you don't have much in terms of finances. Then you'll only be a one hit wonder if you're lucky.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in.

That's the definition of using her. You wanted to keep her neatly compartmentalized and just see her on your terms without consideration for what she wanted. You're upset that she developed feelings for you when that wasn't part of the "deal" you demanded. Just stay single. Your outlook is messed up. She made you prioritize her and her child above your own? She must not have been interested in you because she had the self respect to move on when you made it clear to her that she didn't mean much to you?

You need professional help. You're passing on these misogynistic views to your children.

PP here.

Uh, no. You're projecting. It wasn't a "deal" I "demanded." In fact, that was the arrangement SHE initially described, to which I agreed. What you don't seem to grasp is the "feelings" didn't "develop" over time -- the neediness emerged very quickly and began to border on possessiveness. It wasn't ME she was so interested in so much as the "relationship." Maybe it wasn't so much moving the goalposts as a bait-and-switch. And, yes, when she started having her daughter (who I liked well enough) sleep at my place more regularly and my own kids were uncomfortable and she was criticizing my kids for not being more welcoming, that was the end of that as far as I was concerned.

I don't really care that she moved on -- I'm just saying that announcing to the world you're in a relationship with someone new three weeks later suggests those "feelings" you seem to believe she had for me weren't particularly deep. She was motivated more by needing to be partnered than by feelings for someone.

I gave it 8 months. I treated her well. But the accumulation of drama and need became too much. I had told her very early on that I wouldn't live with anyone at least as long as my kids were in my house. I don't know if she forgot or chose to ignore it. But it was patently clear to me her ultimate goal was for that to happen -- she wanted to be taken care of.

I was consistent and communicated clearly. And I finally found the spine I lost in my marriage.

You throw around the word "misogyny" much too casually.

Guy: In theory I agree with your approach to the relationship. BUT the fact that her kid ended up sleeping at your place suggests to me that you should never have allowed that to happen in the first place. That’s way too confusing for a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

That’s not true. You dated a bad apple, but your negative experiences have skewed your perception of women. It won’t be that way with the right person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

So true! Spouses AM affair partner started out with the entire “just for excitement, never want to leave marriage” AM template. Within a few meeting yo started expressing how much she hated her husband. Over time she started getting upset AP wasn’t in sane have and happy at home. Last few months she started talking about leaving her spouse for him. That’s when AP got out, he was like wtf? U want to blend families and think teen boys are going to accept some strange woman who was screwing their mom or her kids a man screwing their mom? Delusion. He also was like zero desire to do any blended famil crap and going to get kids future weddings- and especially since he was really just doing it to blow a load. She was looking for a rich guy as an exit out if her miserable marriage and so she could continue not working...and prob f@ck guys stay home when he left for the office in a few years. Lol

I’m not understanding this post. Is it just me? I’ve read it a few times.