Divorce Perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in.

That's the definition of using her. You wanted to keep her neatly compartmentalized and just see her on your terms without consideration for what she wanted. You're upset that she developed feelings for you when that wasn't part of the "deal" you demanded. Just stay single. Your outlook is messed up. She made you prioritize her and her child above your own? She must not have been interested in you because she had the self respect to move on when you made it clear to her that she didn't mean much to you?

You need professional help. You're passing on these misogynistic views to your children.

PP here.

Uh, no. You're projecting. It wasn't a "deal" I "demanded." In fact, that was the arrangement SHE initially described, to which I agreed. What you don't seem to grasp is the "feelings" didn't "develop" over time -- the neediness emerged very quickly and began to border on possessiveness. It wasn't ME she was so interested in so much as the "relationship." Maybe it wasn't so much moving the goalposts as a bait-and-switch. And, yes, when she started having her daughter (who I liked well enough) sleep at my place more regularly and my own kids were uncomfortable and she was criticizing my kids for not being more welcoming, that was the end of that as far as I was concerned.

I don't really care that she moved on -- I'm just saying that announcing to the world you're in a relationship with someone new three weeks later suggests those "feelings" you seem to believe she had for me weren't particularly deep. She was motivated more by needing to be partnered than by feelings for someone.

I gave it 8 months. I treated her well. But the accumulation of drama and need became too much. I had told her very early on that I wouldn't live with anyone at least as long as my kids were in my house. I don't know if she forgot or chose to ignore it. But it was patently clear to me her ultimate goal was for that to happen -- she wanted to be taken care of.

I was consistent and communicated clearly. And I finally found the spine I lost in my marriage.

You throw around the word "misogyny" much too casually.

You should have dumped her sooner or told her no to her and her kids sleeping there when your kids are there and should have set clear boundaries. Not all women are like that.

[Anonymous]

I think Covid set me back on my path towards "thriving." I'm one year divorced, and although devastated by H's infidelity, my kids and I moved to a new home and were off to a good, fresh start in our new community.

But now I'm trying to work from home full time and raise the kids on my own, and it's been so, so tough. I'm really stressed out. Meanwhile, my ex-H is enjoying complete freedom (he sees the kids every other weekend, and sometimes skips it) and carrying on with his affair partner like they are newlyweds. So, by comparison, I'm not doing well in the short term. But in the long-term, I am pretty sure I'll be okay. Or much better than okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think Covid set me back on my path towards "thriving." I'm one year divorced, and although devastated by H's infidelity, my kids and I moved to a new home and were off to a good, fresh start in our new community.

But now I'm trying to work from home full time and raise the kids on my own, and it's been so, so tough. I'm really stressed out. Meanwhile, my ex-H is enjoying complete freedom (he sees the kids every other weekend, and sometimes skips it) and carrying on with his affair partner like they are newlyweds. So, by comparison, I'm not doing well in the short term. But in the long-term, I am pretty sure I'll be okay. Or much better than okay.

That sucks and is not fair. You’re awesome though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in.

That's the definition of using her. You wanted to keep her neatly compartmentalized and just see her on your terms without consideration for what she wanted. You're upset that she developed feelings for you when that wasn't part of the "deal" you demanded. Just stay single. Your outlook is messed up. She made you prioritize her and her child above your own? She must not have been interested in you because she had the self respect to move on when you made it clear to her that she didn't mean much to you?

You need professional help. You're passing on these misogynistic views to your children.

PP here.

Uh, no. You're projecting. It wasn't a "deal" I "demanded." In fact, that was the arrangement SHE initially described, to which I agreed. What you don't seem to grasp is the "feelings" didn't "develop" over time -- the neediness emerged very quickly and began to border on possessiveness. It wasn't ME she was so interested in so much as the "relationship." Maybe it wasn't so much moving the goalposts as a bait-and-switch. And, yes, when she started having her daughter (who I liked well enough) sleep at my place more regularly and my own kids were uncomfortable and she was criticizing my kids for not being more welcoming, that was the end of that as far as I was concerned.

I don't really care that she moved on -- I'm just saying that announcing to the world you're in a relationship with someone new three weeks later suggests those "feelings" you seem to believe she had for me weren't particularly deep. She was motivated more by needing to be partnered than by feelings for someone.

I gave it 8 months. I treated her well. But the accumulation of drama and need became too much. I had told her very early on that I wouldn't live with anyone at least as long as my kids were in my house. I don't know if she forgot or chose to ignore it. But it was patently clear to me her ultimate goal was for that to happen -- she wanted to be taken care of.

I was consistent and communicated clearly. And I finally found the spine I lost in my marriage.

You throw around the word "misogyny" much too casually.

You should have dumped her sooner or told her no to her and her kids sleeping there when your kids are there and should have set clear boundaries. Not all women are like that.

Yes, I am aware that I should have dumped her sooner. That spine thing is something I am working on in therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP - I focus a lot on physical health since I have the time so I think a border collie would be consistent with my lifestyle barring a stroke or something. I can visualize having some land and being able to walk it with the border collie. Maybe I’ll go into town for coffee each morning and maybe I’ll meet some local woman who has a thing for border collies and federal pensioners.

[Anonymous]

My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

You cannot dictate what someone else does after you divorce. My husband like previous poster didn't think he wanted more kids. He agreed and loves being a Dad again but its much easier as now he has more income and a very different marital relationship. He has no regrets. Its not your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in.

That's the definition of using her. You wanted to keep her neatly compartmentalized and just see her on your terms without consideration for what she wanted. You're upset that she developed feelings for you when that wasn't part of the "deal" you demanded. Just stay single. Your outlook is messed up. She made you prioritize her and her child above your own? She must not have been interested in you because she had the self respect to move on when you made it clear to her that she didn't mean much to you?

You need professional help. You're passing on these misogynistic views to your children.

PP here.

Uh, no. You're projecting. It wasn't a "deal" I "demanded." In fact, that was the arrangement SHE initially described, to which I agreed. What you don't seem to grasp is the "feelings" didn't "develop" over time -- the neediness emerged very quickly and began to border on possessiveness. It wasn't ME she was so interested in so much as the "relationship." Maybe it wasn't so much moving the goalposts as a bait-and-switch. And, yes, when she started having her daughter (who I liked well enough) sleep at my place more regularly and my own kids were uncomfortable and she was criticizing my kids for not being more welcoming, that was the end of that as far as I was concerned.

I don't really care that she moved on -- I'm just saying that announcing to the world you're in a relationship with someone new three weeks later suggests those "feelings" you seem to believe she had for me weren't particularly deep. She was motivated more by needing to be partnered than by feelings for someone.

I gave it 8 months. I treated her well. But the accumulation of drama and need became too much. I had told her very early on that I wouldn't live with anyone at least as long as my kids were in my house. I don't know if she forgot or chose to ignore it. But it was patently clear to me her ultimate goal was for that to happen -- she wanted to be taken care of.

I was consistent and communicated clearly. And I finally found the spine I lost in my marriage.

You throw around the word "misogyny" much too casually.

You should have dumped her sooner or told her no to her and her kids sleeping there when your kids are there and should have set clear boundaries. Not all women are like that.

Yes, I am aware that I should have dumped her sooner. That spine thing is something I am working on in therapy.

When the timing is right, you will meet the right person. My husband didn't want to marry again after his ex - she did a number on him. We've been married over 15 years with kids. Glad he changed his mine. Her loss is my gain and he's a great husband and father.

[Anonymous]

I have been following this thread with interest and I appreciate OP putting his thoughts/feelings out there and working on himself etc

I am in a similar position but a woman with 3 kids to raise. My divorce is 3 years out and I am doing well in many areas of my life … but romance, not so much.
I went on a date last Friday and the guy was all into me and then we texted but it slowed down from his end. I don't know why it affects me so much and I cannot just be more relaxed about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.

I'm too tired to deal with it.

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in.

That's the definition of using her. You wanted to keep her neatly compartmentalized and just see her on your terms without consideration for what she wanted. You're upset that she developed feelings for you when that wasn't part of the "deal" you demanded. Just stay single. Your outlook is messed up. She made you prioritize her and her child above your own? She must not have been interested in you because she had the self respect to move on when you made it clear to her that she didn't mean much to you?

You need professional help. You're passing on these misogynistic views to your children.

PP here.

Uh, no. You're projecting. It wasn't a "deal" I "demanded." In fact, that was the arrangement SHE initially described, to which I agreed. What you don't seem to grasp is the "feelings" didn't "develop" over time -- the neediness emerged very quickly and began to border on possessiveness. It wasn't ME she was so interested in so much as the "relationship." Maybe it wasn't so much moving the goalposts as a bait-and-switch. And, yes, when she started having her daughter (who I liked well enough) sleep at my place more regularly and my own kids were uncomfortable and she was criticizing my kids for not being more welcoming, that was the end of that as far as I was concerned.

I don't really care that she moved on -- I'm just saying that announcing to the world you're in a relationship with someone new three weeks later suggests those "feelings" you seem to believe she had for me weren't particularly deep. She was motivated more by needing to be partnered than by feelings for someone.

I gave it 8 months. I treated her well. But the accumulation of drama and need became too much. I had told her very early on that I wouldn't live with anyone at least as long as my kids were in my house. I don't know if she forgot or chose to ignore it. But it was patently clear to me her ultimate goal was for that to happen -- she wanted to be taken care of.

I was consistent and communicated clearly. And I finally found the spine I lost in my marriage.

You throw around the word "misogyny" much too casually.

You should have dumped her sooner or told her no to her and her kids sleeping there when your kids are there and should have set clear boundaries. Not all women are like that.

Yes, I am aware that I should have dumped her sooner. That spine thing is something I am working on in therapy.

When the timing is right, you will meet the right person. My husband didn't want to marry again after his ex - she did a number on him. We've been married over 15 years with kids. Glad he changed his mine. Her loss is my gain and he's a great husband and father.

You should thank her. Most likely he was a complete @ss in that marriage and worked on himself. The amount of therapy my husband is going through now will make him a good man for the next woman. He f@cked up royally 20 years into our marriage with a lot of suppressed childhood trauma that was unaddressed. So don’t be so callous, most likely he us nothing like he was in his first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

You cannot dictate what someone else does after you divorce. My husband like previous poster didn't think he wanted more kids. He agreed and loves being a Dad again but its much easier as now he has more income and a very different marital relationship. He has no regrets. Its not your choice.

Well he would have to have the vasectomy reversed which is doctor said has a very low chance of success ....so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

Agree. It's not fair to the kids, they don't want steps, and half siblings. I wish people would stop doing that, have kids with 1 partner. It's messing up all the kids who can't get enough attention and care from their bios. My friends DH made sure to get a vasectomy to ensure his kids were protected after divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

Agree. It's not fair to the kids, they don't want steps, and half siblings. I wish people would stop doing that, have kids with 1 partner. It's messing up all the kids who can't get enough attention and care from their bios. My friends DH made sure to get a vasectomy to ensure his kids were protected after divorce.

Inheritance is another issue once they start adding more step siblings and wives. Second, third wives that could get $ over their kids from first marriage.

Too many complications. The worst is too many households during the holidays. Yuck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH tells me all the time he is very thankful he landed on his feet after his divorce, although it took a few years to get back to good, and more to get back to great. I think at year 1 he felt ok, year 5 was still tough, and now year 10+ he is thriving.

I know part of that was meeting me, having more kids, and switching jobs, but it was also because it takes time to build a new relationship, find a new community, etc, which get fractured as part of the divorce.

More kids? Yikes. That’s what most people would not want —back to the baby, toddler, preschool stuff all over again. One thing my spouse and I agree on is that our kids will never have anymore siblings...whether we stay together or not.

Agree. It's not fair to the kids, they don't want steps, and half siblings. I wish people would stop doing that, have kids with 1 partner. It's messing up all the kids who can't get enough attention and care from their bios. My friends DH made sure to get a vasectomy to ensure his kids were protected after divorce.

Inheritance is another issue once they start adding more step siblings and wives. Second, third wives that could get $ over their kids from first marriage.

Too many complications. The worst is too many households during the holidays. Yuck

Why second marriages have a higher divorce rate. Not to mention many of these men won't be able to retire because they are supporting too many kids. Second divorces and bad choices have destroyed their finances. I'm surprised most men don't get vasectomies after divorce so they don't end up with the surprise kid. I saw with friends the holidays were a nightmare. The grandparents wanted to be with their bios not johnny the step. In most cases the so called "blended" aka dysfunctional hasn't worked. The statistics tells us, and it's been well observed.