I’m married but I want to date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^kids have always been a deal breaker. Less so in older age groups because the majority have them.

But, yeah, with 20-30 something men without kids. Kids are a complete deal breaker.

OP- you cannot have your cake and eat it too.

You need to be having healthy communication and discussions with your husband about your feelings. You can brainstorm ways to feel fulfilled. You definitely need therapy.

Lying and going behind a partner's back is instant death to a marriage. LYING AND BETRAYING is NEVER the answer. Only people with very low morals and/or mental illness choose that route.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 28 and have been with my DH since 18. We ended up having our first child when I was 19, stayed together, and got married a few years later. Fast forward to today, we have three kids and have been married for 5 years. Our marriage isn’t completely terrible, but we do lack in some key areas. I go through time periods when I want to date other people, and I’m ashamed to say that. When we watch shows like Love is Blind or Married at First Sight, I get sad/envious because I want to be able to experience those things. I think I’m seeking the intimate conversations, getting to know someone, knowing someone is genuinely interested in me, experiencing new things, etc. I want to talk to my DH about it but don’t want him to be upset. How do I deal with these feelings and emotions?

Welcome to the ebb and flow of marriage. It’s part of the “for better or for worse part.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This alone tells me I should stick to the never-married guys. Thanks for confirming that.

You are welcome. BTW - I do not want you and is likely most other divorced guys would pass as well.

In every post so far you have focused on how many men are interested in you (e.g., they are lining up, you would fare better than most divorced men, etc.) Self-centeredness is very unattractive, for both men and women.

She would be an idiot to tell her husband she is interested in dating others. That is dumb. She needs to decide if she wants to be married or divorced.

The OP asked specifically about discussing dating other men with her husband. If she is seriously considering do so, she should talk to her DH so that he can consider his role in their marriage.

It would be detestable for her to makes plans to date (or to divorce) without giving him the basic kindness of honesty, and hiding her plans from him sends a message to her children that is okay to hide important feelings from someone you claim to love.

I was not being self-centered. I am stating facts. I only said that because someone said she would not be popular on a dating app at 28 with kids. They are dead wrong. If I do not have issues, neither would she. It is not 1959. I literally have more options than I did without kids in my 20s. A lot of this is dating apps are easy. Some of it is being attractive. I just can't stand when people assume women are "old" or not desirable in their late 20s and early 30s. That was the insinuation here. That is why I spoke up. I am sick of people acting this way about women. That attitude is how I got into a bad marriage to begin with and kept me there way too long. Women should not stay only because they are afraid no one would date them.

And frankly, if they want to date other people, they should not stay married. I do not think there should be any conversation with her husband--she should make a decision. She either wants to be married or wants to date. If she wants to date, then she should divorce. Having such a conversation is just a path toward destroying the marriage. She needs to make a decision first. No man wants to hear this from his wife.

It is easier now because dating apps weren't prevalent when you were in your 20s. And most 40 yr old men have kids, so won't be scared off. But a man in his 20s is likely not going to be interested in an acme-instant family 3 three young kids if they want their own kids, especially a lot of them. I am part of a FB group for young widows and I see this all the time--the 20-somethings with kids are having a lot of trouble finding matches. I don't know why you can't understand that your situation is an apple and hers is an orange...

PP here. It is not apples to oranges. You may not have read my earlier post. I am not dating men in their 40s with kids. I am dating men in their 30s never married, no kids. I am early 40s. I presume single age 30-39 would be the exact same pool a 28-year-old would be looking in. If I have good luck, logic states she should have better luck with the same pool of men. Yes, I have kids. She should not be looking at men in their 20s.

[Anonymous]

PP here. It is not apples to oranges. You may not have read my earlier post. I am not dating men in their 40s with kids. I am dating men in their 30s never married, no kids. I am early 40s. I presume single age 30-39 would be the exact same pool a 28-year-old would be looking in. If I have good luck, logic states she should have better luck with the same pool of men. Yes, I have kids. She should not be looking at men in their 20s.

You say you are “dating men in their 30s never married, no kids.” Are you dating multiple men at the same time in NSA or FWB situations? If so, your story makes sense. The post-divorce world can be hard, and it is nice to see you have found what makes you happy.

However, most single, childless men in their 30s are not looking to settle down with an older woman (e.g., a woman in her 40s) with kids, especially if they want children that share their biology.

Your statement that if you have “good luck” in your dating situation, then she (a 28 year-old single mother of three) would have good luck dating single, childless men in their 30s starkly contrasts the dating environment that exists in NoVA and much of the rest of the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. It is not apples to oranges. You may not have read my earlier post. I am not dating men in their 40s with kids. I am dating men in their 30s never married, no kids. I am early 40s. I presume single age 30-39 would be the exact same pool a 28-year-old would be looking in. If I have good luck, logic states she should have better luck with the same pool of men. Yes, I have kids. She should not be looking at men in their 20s.

You say you are “dating men in their 30s never married, no kids.” Are you dating multiple men at the same time in NSA or FWB situations? If so, your story makes sense. The post-divorce world can be hard, and it is nice to see you have found what makes you happy.

However, most single, childless men in their 30s are not looking to settle down with an older woman (e.g., a woman in her 40s) with kids, especially if they want children that share their biology.

Your statement that if you have “good luck” in your dating situation, then she (a 28 year-old single mother of three) would have good luck dating single, childless men in their 30s starkly contrasts the dating environment that exists in NoVA and much of the rest of the US.

I am not sleeping with anyone. I am dating them. All of them are mid to late 30s. I have turned down early 30s.
My age does not seem to be a problem. My kids do not seem to be a problem. I am early 40s. She is late 20s. She is younger and should not have a problem.

Also, I am not talking about marriage. I am talking about dating. Dating can lead to marriage--or not.

She should not leave her spouse in the hope of marrying someone else. She should only leave her spouse if she does not want to be in her marriage...another man or not.
No one should be leaving a marriage to settle down with someone else. Dating, fine, but people have to accept they could be single forever.

That is fine with me. I am fine with dating for fun that leads to an LTR or not.

The idea that she can't attract men in their 30s because she has kids (and is only 28!) is crazy. She should have more options than I have. I am in NoVA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. It is not apples to oranges. You may not have read my earlier post. I am not dating men in their 40s with kids. I am dating men in their 30s never married, no kids. I am early 40s. I presume single age 30-39 would be the exact same pool a 28-year-old would be looking in. If I have good luck, logic states she should have better luck with the same pool of men. Yes, I have kids. She should not be looking at men in their 20s.

You say you are “dating men in their 30s never married, no kids.” Are you dating multiple men at the same time in NSA or FWB situations? If so, your story makes sense. The post-divorce world can be hard, and it is nice to see you have found what makes you happy.

However, most single, childless men in their 30s are not looking to settle down with an older woman (e.g., a woman in her 40s) with kids, especially if they want children that share their biology.

Your statement that if you have “good luck” in your dating situation, then she (a 28 year-old single mother of three) would have good luck dating single, childless men in their 30s starkly contrasts the dating environment that exists in NoVA and much of the rest of the US.

I know men that certainly used the 40s married women with kids for 'fun' while they dated and looked for baggage-free 'wife material' women their own age or younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. It is not apples to oranges. You may not have read my earlier post. I am not dating men in their 40s with kids. I am dating men in their 30s never married, no kids. I am early 40s. I presume single age 30-39 would be the exact same pool a 28-year-old would be looking in. If I have good luck, logic states she should have better luck with the same pool of men. Yes, I have kids. She should not be looking at men in their 20s.

You say you are “dating men in their 30s never married, no kids.” Are you dating multiple men at the same time in NSA or FWB situations? If so, your story makes sense. The post-divorce world can be hard, and it is nice to see you have found what makes you happy.

However, most single, childless men in their 30s are not looking to settle down with an older woman (e.g., a woman in her 40s) with kids, especially if they want children that share their biology.

Your statement that if you have “good luck” in your dating situation, then she (a 28 year-old single mother of three) would have good luck dating single, childless men in their 30s starkly contrasts the dating environment that exists in NoVA and much of the rest of the US.

I know men that certainly used the 40s married women with kids for 'fun' while they dated and looked for baggage-free 'wife material' women their own age or younger.

That can happen regardless. Men do this all the time even to women without "baggage." I am not interested in being a wife. If I did, I would not get a divorce. I am interested in an LTR someday but I am in no rush. People should not consider divorce unless they are fine being on their own...not because they want to be "wife material" again.

[Anonymous]

People really seem to misunderstand what dating is. Dating is dating. It is meeting new people, having fun, having new experiences that could lead to an LTR or not. Marriage is marriage. Not everyone who is dating is doing it because they have marriage with the end goal in mind.

The OP talked about dating and meeting new people. I did not assume she was talking about divorcing and looking to get married out of the gate.

[Anonymous]

If you surveyed 100 married men - do you want to date while being married? Almost all would say yes. Perhaps some introverts would decline.

This is totally normal. Talk to your DH, many men would be up for an open marriage, although it's risky territory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting replies.

Man here, when men talk like this, if they do, the response from other men is "duh, who doesn't.". Meaning, all men want to have sex with other women but it doesn't mean he wants a divorce. This is totally normal.

And no amount of focusing on a job or therapy will make that change. Humans are wired for sexual variety. The only solution, if you call it that, is to have a good sexual relationship with your spouse. But even then, the urge to cheat will always be with you, it's just a question of how strong it is.

But women are not like that. When women want to explore options of other men, they are usually done with the marriage.

Nope. Read this book: http://wednesdaymartin.com/books/untrue/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sleeping with anyone. I am dating them.

But dating them means you ARE sleeping with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sleeping with anyone. I am dating them.

But dating them means you ARE sleeping with them.

No, you can go on dates with people and not have sex with them. Sleeping with them means you are in an exclusive relationship. So, no, that is not what it means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sleeping with anyone. I am dating them.

But dating them means you ARE sleeping with them.

No, you can go on dates with people and not have sex with them. Sleeping with them means you are in an exclusive relationship. So, no, that is not what it means.

hahaaa haaa.... you really think that 'sleeping with someone' means they aren't screwing someone else no matter what they tell you. I have a bridge to sell you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read the whole thread but could you get the rush of “new” elsewhere? I met my husband young (we waited awhile before we dated). I like going out and meeting new people. He does not. So I’ve started saying to other moms (school, the park, wherever) “I have a small group that gets together now and then for a glass of wine. Let me know if you’d like to exchange numbers and I’ll let you know the next time we head out.” Women are often excited to make “mom friends” and are often shy about putting themselves out there. The group I have now varies when we go out from 1:1 outings to as many as 12 of us. People move or are busy so there are usually some “regulars” and some “newbies”. I find I get a lot of the feeling of “I want to do something new and meet new people” just by hanging out with these other women.

Mom friends? God that sounds dreadful.

OP wants to date and have sex. Not boring suburban professional moms.

Lmao this is OP. I laughed out loud at this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got married & had children young OP, and now that you are approaching the big 3-0, you may be worrying that your youth is slowly slipping away....

Along w/it, missed opportunities.

This is a normal feeling to have during milestone birthdays.

I think you should first talk to a professional counselor + see what they advise you doing.
One that can provide an objective perspective to what I believe is a problem more common than we think.

Good luck!

+1

You aren’t going to get what you are looking for. You will never be a carefree 20 something or 30 something - that ship has already sailed. Make what you have work. No one is going to come and sweep you off your feet - that isn’t your life, and you need to deal with that.

OP here. I’m surprised at all of the replies! I think you hit the nail on the head. I think I got sad about missed opportunities. You are right, it wouldn’t be the same now vs 10 years ago. I did talk to my DH about it and we agreed to start “dating” again and doing things that we did when we first started dating. The intimate conversations, kindness, compliments, and being intentional in loving on each other has really helped!! Thank you all for the replies - I read every single one.