I’m married but I want to date
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Anonymous
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OP, you need to focus on the answer to a very important question, which is: Would you be comfortable if your husband starts going on dates with other women?
I have seen a number of marriages where one spouse brings up the idea of DADT or an open marriage, the other spouse is initially opposed but finally comes around, and then the spouse that did not want the open marriage in first place enjoys it way more than the other spouse thought they would. In most cases, it was the DH that brings up the open marriage idea but ends up regretting it because the DW gets much more attention (i.e., casual fun sex). However, I have seen where a DW brought up having an open marriage and her DH hated it at first. At first, the DW was having a great time with NSA dating and he was sitting at home with the kids. However, when he finally found an FWB he started to get into it. This DH ended up determining that he (in his mid-40s) could do much better as a divorced dad in the dating world than his DW could in that same world. After they were divorced, it was easy for him to date (and find NSA sex) while she was looking for a LTR (in her early 40s with primary custody of three kids) and having very little luck. |
Anonymous
PP here and I guess I meant it from a selfish perspective...it makes me sad that this is all there is for my life. I enjoy sex with my spouse but, as I wrote upthread, so much of life is a routine now due to job obligations, kids and other household obligations. There's just not much time for anything new and exciting. |
Anonymous
Your best bet is to get a babysitter and try to build these things with your husband. Also, no one decent is willing to date a married woman with three kids. NO ONE. You will get plenty of takers for easy sex though. Not trying to be mean, just stating the facts. If you want to date-date, you need to divorce first. Actually a divorced mother of three won't get too many takers either. |
Anonymous
| Op, you are evil |
Anonymous
This, OP. Reread the post above. You need to step back, try to be more objective about your own life and what's in your head, and accept that maybe a therapist could help. Does your DH know you are basically regretting, as PP aptly puts it, "skipping your 20s"? He may feel the same way and you don't know it. I would talk to him. Couples counseling/therapy could be a big help. You need to work out whether you are truly unhappy at your core in ways that won't change, or whether things can be improved with effort. And yeah, it takes self-awareness and actual effort, even when that effort feels forced. Dating would feel forced too, if you were to date as a divorced woman juggling kids, custody schedule, financial arrangements post-divorce, etc. That's reality -- if you divorce in order to date, you'll be dating as a divorced mom of nearly 30, not as the 18-year-old you were when you and he got together. I'm concerned you don't see that quite clearly yet. It's a red flag that when you see these highly curated, edited, glossy "dating" shows on TV, they make you want what those people supposedly are doing. It's not at all real nor is it an indication of what it's really like to date in your 20s. The PP is correct that if you become a divorced parent, you are going to find things are not what you expect. You can get dates--but you will be far less likely ever to get a real relationship again; there are men who would be willing to take you on with your kids but to be blunt--not many. So you need to decide if you're just feeling very understandable regrets you can vent about and work through, or if you're done with this marriage; if you're done with the marriage, you need a reality check on how you won't be dating for a while and when you are, you'll never again date as a single woman in her 20s without kids. Which is it? A therapist could help you figure it out. If you actually deep down mean that you want to stay married (for convenience, finances, the kids, affection) but want sex with other men, that is still probably a deal-breaker for most marriages, despite all the "we have an open marriage and it's great" posts on these boards. |
Anonymous
That isn’t necessarily true. But it’s going to make her existing relationship a lot more complicated—even if her husband is on board. |
Anonymous
| I remember meeting women like you in my mid- late 20’s dating years. It was instant connection and fun and then the married thing would come up but at that point in my life I didn’t care and I would just go for it. Twenty years later I look back and wonder WTF was I thinking and are women still like that? |
Anonymous
Dating is a euphemism of course, it's the latter. You can have all sorts of heart to heart conversations with all sorts of people. Friends, family, randomly people on the internet. But what's one thing you CAN'T do with them? Right. That's what she wants, ultimately. |
Anonymous
Door #5: Have some semblance of self-control and live up to your vows. |
Anonymous
| Can you broach the subject of polyamory with your partner OP? Or do you just generally want out of your marriage? My husband and I married young too, and this has worked well for us. We got to have some adventures, while also strengthening our trust and communication in a way that we otherwise would not have. Now as we approach 30, our marriage is still technically open, but neither of us has felt the need to go outside in some time. |
Anonymous
| I think you should think about your options and what you really want. Talk to a therapist. Do you want to stay married and “date” or whatever other people? Will you want your husband to do the same? Or do you want to divorce? To all PPs ; she said they are married for 5 years so they didn’t marry when she was 18. If you’ve felt about this for a long time, why did you keep having kids? Or did you recently feel like this? Do you just to sleep with other people? Are you not happy with your marriage and feel like you’re missing out? If you divorce, will you want to remarry? The grass can be greener but depends what you want. If you want to be married again or if you divorce will you mess around before you settle down again. Just think about all the options. I think you might freak out your husband if you bring this up out of nowhere. Like I said, talk to a therapist first |
Anonymous
Hi DCUM bit*es. You’d be the first ones to criticize her for not marrying her baby daddy if she didn’t, right. I think you are the ones who need to grow up. OP your feelings are normal. Lots of marriages go through a slump. Try to have date nights and spice things up. You can turn this around. |
Anonymous
| Focus on the fact you've made three goddamned people with this guy and get on with your responsibilities. |
Anonymous
| We got married while in college having dated since HS and by the time we were 30 we both felt old in our relationship and wondered what we had missed out on. For awhile we opened our marriage and that included a wide variety of sexual openness but after about a year we realized that what we had as a couple was really better than what we experienced. I don’t regret what we did because it confirmed what we had. |
Anonymous
Stop it. She is 30. I am early 40s with more men interested than I know what to do with. She is not dead. |