Husband filed taxes separately without me - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just frustrated and scared for what the future holds. I have not been much of a budgeter since I was assuming he’s had it under control. I don’t want to have to be checking credit card statements every month like an auditor. I just wish I could trust him. Im sorry I’m just really frustrated and upset. He told me he had $40k in savings and has like $20. It’s just a complete shock.

He has $20,000 in savings, or $20.00?

[Anonymous]

Advice for now as you stated:

I think a continuation of your earlier conversation focused on his lack of honesty. Ask him how to build trust back.

He lied initially about his finances several times it seems. He then lied about his willingness to file jointly and then proceeded without you.

The lying ( to me) is bigger issue than the credit card debt /poor financial management.

I honestly don’t know how you can marry someone without complete honesty. Not sure I could ever trust him again. I guess I might be able to try if he fully admitted all wrongdoing, turned over finances to you, and went to counseling.

So sorry you are dealing with this when it should be a joyous time in your first year together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just frustrated and scared for what the future holds. I have not been much of a budgeter since I was assuming he’s had it under control. I don’t want to have to be checking credit card statements every month like an auditor. I just wish I could trust him. Im sorry I’m just really frustrated and upset. He told me he had $40k in savings and has like $20. It’s just a complete shock.

He has $20,000 in savings, or $20.00?

$20.00

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I am weary of commenters who say we should have discussed before we got married - yes I now agree with you, and I realize the mistake I made. I trusted but did not verify. Repeating that fact doesn't help me now... I swear I will tell my children to pull the credit report of anyone they plan to marry to avoid this situation. I appreciate the advice but the "you should have's" are really not helping in this situation and sound more like lecturing at this point. I appreciate it, but believe me, I realize my mistake. Advice for my situation now would be much appreciated...!

That advice was followed by “do it now”. You need to be in counseling. This isn’t just “he hid something”. It’s also why he feels like he can’t talk to you. There’s a basic communication issue here. You can get through it and have a wonderful marriage but you both need to work on this. If you read your initial post, it’s obvious why he didn’t tell you. He didn’t want you to think less of him and you think you’re better than him at finances. Maybe you are, but he didn’t want to be looked down upon by his partner. You wouldn’t like that feeling either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look- everyone is being an alarmist. You are young and at the beginning of your marriage, so there is an easy solution. Combine finances completely so that you are in charge of them. He doesn’t know how to be financially responsible so he is embarrassed, but if he is okay with outsourcing to that’s great! My SIL and brother were similar and after almost 5 years of marriage they have everything combined and she is in charge and things are peachy. But don’t trust him to do it! The only thing he should have to do is put you in charge of everything because you know what you are doing. You each bring your own strengths to the marriage. Good luck!

Also- can he amend his tax filing?

I agree with this pp that people are being incredibly alarmist and it’s no wonder there are so many divorces since apparently no one is willing to figure out what the root of the issue is here and try to address it. Shame can make people do a lot of bad things, it doesn’t mean you can’t work on it and address the sources of that.

But I warned in my previous post and want to share again that in this type of situation I don’t recommend just joining and then handing all over to you. Both people need to be active participants, you can be the leader, but you need to involve him in decisions and be a partnership. Otherwise it can really backfire in my experience. This seems like the simple solution but it doesn’t give him the ownership to make good decisions and can lead to conflict because it will just feel like you controlling. You have to put in the work to get into be same page together.

Op I know you’re feeling so hurt and betrayed right now as anyone would. I am sharing my advice again that you need to go to couples counseling now to try to figure out the root of these things. This isn’t just about money. It’s about family dynamics, your partnership, how you communicate and feelings of safety for both of you in this relationship. You must address these core issues if you want to move forward together. It can be done, but it is work and just airing out the dirty laundry is not the answer. It takes two to develop these dynamics. I wanted to completely blame my husband and yes, he was in the wrong, but upon work and reflection I realized how I contributed to a dynamic that made him feel inept financially, embarrassed and ashamed. From your posts I highly suspect you have a similar dynamic happening. This is not your fault, your husband is responsible for his choices full stop. That’s not what I’m saying. But relationships are a back and forth and we impact each other. To get to a better place you both have to work together so you BOTH feel safe and can rebuild trust.

Let the shock wear off, dont do anything drastic, and call a few counselors on Monday and work til you find one that is a good fit for you two. Then rebuild your relationship from the ground up. I did it and am in a happy, very mutually respectful relationship now - my husband turned out to be a great dad too. But we also didn’t really have any other big issues, he was a great partner in most other ways. So there is that. Wishing you luck.

[Anonymous]

18:36 and 8:30 poster here again to say you will also have to genuinely forgive him, and you cannot continue to punish him for this if you want to move forward. You will have to come to understand how this decision was driven by shame and embarrassment. Empathy is the path to healing. He’s going to have to heal whatever wounds he has that made him feel such shame to hide things from his partner because of fear of what would happen. This is often learned from our parents (my husbands parents for example will tell you something food you cooked is PERFECT even if it is literally completely burnt to a crisp. They just tell you whatever they think will make you feel good. This turns out to really backfire for big issues). Figure out where your husband learned this coping mechanism. And what you can do to address it in your own relationship. We had small bumps after the initial big incident. Nothing really financial but mostly still working on this idea that not sharing things can be like lying, and keeping things from your partner because you think it might upset them and that scares you is not okay and leads to more hurt.

[Anonymous]

How much money has he been making? What has his money been going to? What does he have to show for all the debt he has accumulated?

[Anonymous]

Calmly sit down and go over all financial information today. Go over everything. Document it. You need to know where everything stands. Plus it will be helpful to have the information when you proceed with a divorce. You should both sit together to look up potential counsellors, and pick one together. He should be the one to make the call and book the appointment for as soon as possible.

[Anonymous]

Why would you even get married in this situation. I am shocked by some of the marriages I read about here.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is my advice assuming you want to remain married:

1. You need to see your DH's credit report and his tax statements for the last 3 years. Tell him it's non-negotiable. He's violated your trust and you need to know if he's hiding anything else.

2. Ask him with the cc debt is for-- it's a lot different if it was to pay for food while he was in school vs. spending sprees.

3. If you decide after all of this that his lack of honesty was due to shame vs. serious character flaws, then make an agreement on how you will handle finances going forward.

In a situation like this, it might be better to combine money, check both credit reports periodically, so that you can keep an eye on things...but you absolutely have to trust your DH if you do this. He could ruin your finances and your credit.

Sometimes people are embarrassed-- it doesn't make them terrible. I had 40K in student loans that I didn't confess to my now DH until our relationship was serious. I was so embarrassed, but I was poor and had no other way to pay for grad school.

DH got himself a few "store cards" when he started making a lot of money and developed a little clothes horse habit that was temporary but quite expensive. We had the money, but it was ridiculous--he knew I thought so, and decided not to mention it.

I didn't find out until he had racked up a few thousand. We had a serious conversation, the cards were paid off and went into a drawer. We've been married for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Why would you even get married in this situation. I am shocked by some of the marriages I read about here.

I chalk some of this up to later marriages and the times we live in. I have been married for 37 years. We got married in our 20's (25 and 27) and neither of us had much (husband was still in school getting a PhD). Our first real estate purchase was 5 years into our marriage and all on our jointly saved money. This was very common at the time. Of course people didn't have much in student loans back then either. I had a small one and my husband had none. We never used credit cards. Credit cards were not as available and our parents had never used them so it was just not a typical thing like it is now. Computers were not around to track everything.

Things have changed a lot. I worked with a young woman and she talked about bachelor/bachelorette parties in resort locations around the world. We never had such parties. She and her future husband bought a house before they even married. The wedding was very upscale (ours was not). Now everyone puts up all their plans/parties/homes/etc. online and everyone can see everything. She even compared her husband's friends to hers in terms of money (and hers came up "higher"). In short, I am not shocked that some of these marriages do not work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is my advice assuming you want to remain married:

1. You need to see your DH's credit report and his tax statements for the last 3 years. Tell him it's non-negotiable. He's violated your trust and you need to know if he's hiding anything else.

2. Ask him with the cc debt is for-- it's a lot different if it was to pay for food while he was in school vs. spending sprees.

3. If you decide after all of this that his lack of honesty was due to shame vs. serious character flaws, then make an agreement on how you will handle finances going forward.

In a situation like this, it might be better to combine money, check both credit reports periodically, so that you can keep an eye on things...but you absolutely have to trust your DH if you do this. He could ruin your finances and your credit.

Sometimes people are embarrassed-- it doesn't make them terrible. I had 40K in student loans that I didn't confess to my now DH until our relationship was serious. I was so embarrassed, but I was poor and had no other way to pay for grad school.

DH got himself a few "store cards" when he started making a lot of money and developed a little clothes horse habit that was temporary but quite expensive. We had the money, but it was ridiculous--he knew I thought so, and decided not to mention it.

I didn't find out until he had racked up a few thousand. We had a serious conversation, the cards were paid off and went into a drawer. We've been married for 20 years.

OP-- also, you need ground rules:

1. $$ over a certain amount each month or pay period is not spent on discretionary items until consulting with each other. Unless you have so much discretionary income that it doesn't matter, you need to agree upon a dollar amount.

2. There should be a weekly budget that you both monitor-- the best way not to feel "controlled" is to use cash. For instance-- lunch at work, use cash vs. mutual feelings of being henpecked and nagged because you went to Chipotle.

3. You should agree on savings goals and review success. This will make you both feel invested vs. feeling resentful. My DH has zero ability to sustain a financial plan without me-- it's okay, his financial foibles are minor. When I show DH how much we're saving, he's pleased and it's a revelation.

4. No one opens a line of credit or a membership without agreeing on it first. Some isn't bad-- Costco, Target, Amazon Prime for instance. Consider paying and closing individual credit cards and opening a joint credit card that you can both monitor. Agree what goes on credit vs. coming out of checking.

[Anonymous]

You say he has lied to you a few times before over similar issues, prior to getting married. Why are you surprised the pattern has continued?

Would you have married him if he was completely honest about his poor management of finances? Chances are he lied because he knew how important it was to you, and knew it would be a deal breaker. It would have delayed the wedding date or ended the relationship.


When the lies came out before, did he make any promises to be more transparent or stop the lies?

[Anonymous]

I'd like to try to offer a different approach to complement some of the good advice you've received here.

If you are the "money manager" of the family - this is just fine and you should take over this role. Now what can you offer to him so he can become a meaningful part of the relationship and develop some self esteem? Surely you have some flaw, some Achilles heel, some area in which he thrives and you falter?

Is he funny and social? Let him plan and enhance your social lives and friend groups. Can he cook? Put him in charge of all food intake and celebrate his skill! Is he handy? Let him lead a home improvement project. Does he have great empathy? Let him be the one who carries the emotional water in your family. And lean on him for it, all the while making him feel like he has a quality you don't and you need to him become a whole person.

If the only measure of the man is financial acumen than you two seem shit out of luck right now. Square peg, round hole. But don't discount your role in his behavior or the psychology behind why you chose HIM to be your partner. And definitely hold off on procreating until you can make some meaningful changes.

[Anonymous]

I am someone who changed from irresponsible to super responsible with money thanks to DH. Having been on both sides of the spectrum, money management is probably scary, emotional, embarrassing and something he learned to just “not deal with” thanks to his parents. Making this a fight will make things worse. Luckily, he’s got you and a good salary- I would tell him “good news, you don’t have to live with this unhealthy relationship with money anymore!” Help him open the door on his financial picture, not shut it tighter.