Husband filed taxes separately without me - what to do?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I were married in 2019. We have generally kept our finances pretty separate. We have separate credit/savings accounts and credit cards but recently opened a joint high yield savings account for wedding gifts. I initially added $20K of my savings to the account in order to get bonus cash into the account, and my husband contributes $250 per month. Ideally we want to use this account for big shared expenses (kids' tuition, vacations, etc.). Daily shared expenses like food and utilities, we split using Venmo. I am more of a saver and sometimes can be overly frugal; my husband is more of a spender and likes to spend money on nice material items. However, he has become more of a saver since we met, and I have learned to spend money on nicer things such as clothes which last longer and make me feel more put together.

Several months before getting married, I bought a condo in DC in my name since we weren't married at the time and I had the money saved up and a better credit score than him. My family also helped me with the downpayment. Since then, we have been living together in the condo and splitting the mortgage. We are trying to pay it off early so we are both contributing more than the minimum. My husband makes about 10% more than me, but he has more expenses, such as a car payment and student loans, which I do not pay. He does not share the details of how much makes or spends on these items, and I have generally felt that he was embarrassed to share or wanted to keep it private for some reason. He says that I tend to be controlling when it comes to money, and that may be why. However, I come from a family that is very financially savvy and has done a good job of saving, investing, etc., while his family spends more and, he himself admits, is less in control of their finances. I feel like I am trying to imitate my family's financial decisions, and while my husband generally agrees with my approach (maximizing retirement accounts, putting more money towards the mortgage), there still is tension in our relationship regarding money and different spending/saving habits that we each have.

A few weeks ago I asked about taxes this year (first year filing married), and my husband expressed a desire to file separately because of a student loan-related credit that he mistakenly took and would have to pay for. He said that he didn't want my return to cover that expense for him. I didn't really understand the issue and asked if we could compare married-filing-separately and married-filing-jointly in TurboTax and then make the decision on how to proceed. He said OK. A few weeks passed, and I suggested we start our taxes. Then my husband tells me that he already filed taxes his separately. I felt lied to and betrayed, especially knowing that he went behind my back to file knowing that we had agreed to work on it together. It got worse when I realized his decision would negatively impact me. Doing some research, I realized some of my healthcare costs and mortgage interest from this year put me well above the standard deduction amount, but since my husband chose the standard deduction option, I would be required to do so as well. That meant I would lose a few thousand dollars in savings on my tax return. He didn't realize this. Also, my husband was unable to deduct his student loan interest as a result of filing separately, but strangely he didn't seem to care.

We had a very large argument about it. He said that he didn't want to share his financial information with me because he thought I would be judgmental. I told him that I would not judge how much he had in his accounts or how much debt he had; I was willing to be fully transparent on my end and thought we both should be, especially now that we are married. I told him that I felt like I lost my trust in him and that he was hiding something. After some more discussion and tears, eventually we found that he could amend his return to itemize his deductions so I would be able to as well. However he wouldn't budge on wanting to keep his finances private / filing taxes separately.

I am concerned that this secrecy is a red flag and a serious problem in our relationship. In my family, all the couples I know who have been happy and financially successful pool their resources, have shared financial values, and are fully transparent with one another. I can understand that my husband might be embarrassed that he has less in savings than I do, but I still feel like we should feel comfortable being honest with one another. I have offered to do whatever it takes to convince him that I won't be judgmental, to no avail. I should note that my husband has lied to me twice before about somewhat similar issues over the 6+ years we have been together (i.e., issues where he was embarrassed for me to know the truth because he thought it made him look bad). Do you think my husband's lie is a serious relationship red flag, or something that is understandable considering his finances are first and foremost his business? Is it unreasonable for me to want us to be fully transparent? What else can I do to improve this situation and our relationship? Appreciate any advice.

[Anonymous]

Wow. My husband and I keep our separate accounts and file separately for student loan reasons, but we always discuss everything before taking action.

This is a massive red flag. I don’t know what I would do in your situation.

[Anonymous]

You had no business getting married before discussing these kinds of things or going to premarital counseling. When he chose to marry you, that made it your business. You are his wife and he should have nothing to be ashamed about if he was secure with the two of you. I would be livid if my husband filed separately in secret Which costs me and us money ultimately, then continues to do this shady shit on the side. You need to get into counseling ASAP or move on.

[Anonymous]

How old are you two and why did you get married when you clearly weren’t ready ?

[Anonymous]

You’re his spouse. Honestly, you get the right to be judgmental about his finances. He has to grow up.

[Anonymous]

I think this is an ENORMOUS red flag. I actually wonder if he is hiding wage garnishment or something. I would ask that he pull a credit report for you to see.

[Anonymous]

The student loan deduction is a whopping $2500 so it's really nothing to get secretive over. This is about something more nefarious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had no business getting married before discussing these kinds of things or going to premarital counseling. When he chose to marry you, that made it your business. You are his wife and he should have nothing to be ashamed about if he was secure with the two of you. I would be livid if my husband filed separately in secret Which costs me and us money ultimately, then continues to do this shady shit on the side. You need to get into counseling ASAP or move on.

+1

A marriage is a legal relationship that is essentially centered around money and property rights. You cannot be happily married to someone and not be on the same page financially. Get counseling now and do not co-mingle anymore assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had no business getting married before discussing these kinds of things or going to premarital counseling. When he chose to marry you, that made it your business. You are his wife and he should have nothing to be ashamed about if he was secure with the two of you. I would be livid if my husband filed separately in secret Which costs me and us money ultimately, then continues to do this shady shit on the side. You need to get into counseling ASAP or move on.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had no business getting married before discussing these kinds of things or going to premarital counseling. When he chose to marry you, that made it your business. You are his wife and he should have nothing to be ashamed about if he was secure with the two of you. I would be livid if my husband filed separately in secret Which costs me and us money ultimately, then continues to do this shady shit on the side. You need to get into counseling ASAP or move on.

+1000
Many people associate premarital counseling with religion, and indeed it has long been required or very strongly recommended in the Catholic church as well as by many ministers and rabbis. Religion-based or not, first marriage or not, it's critical. At worst you'll waste some time finding out that you're already on the same page.

But that's water under the bridge now. You need to meet with a financial planner and/or couples counselor.

[Anonymous]

If he's doing an income based student loan repayment he has to file separately. If his salary is below approx. $85,000, I would assume he has a large student loan debt that he doesn't want to reveal to you.

[Anonymous]

I assume he will not show you his tax return. HUGE red flag. Do you have access to his social security number? Pull a credit report. I would seek legal counsel before having another conversation with the DH. Get your ducks in a row. You are not being judgemental, he is lying and deflecting.

[Anonymous]

He does not trust you enough to share his past or maybe current financial blunders.

Do not have a child together until you work out finances and open communication.

Are you able to pull you money from the joint account?

[Anonymous]

Either he is really hiding something or you go in hard on him and he is avoiding that criticism and judgment.

Both are an issue. He doesn't trust you to tell you. He shouldn't feel like he can't tell you things because of how you will react, he shouldn't feel attacked and you should know what is going on. Your post does have a bit of a my way is better and we are going to do it my way, I just need access to all his info so I can make him do it my way tone.

Since this has surfaced a few times, it sounds like counseling would be in order to figure out how you too can communicate and come together on things where there are different opinions and where one person may feel attacked. The dynamic you have will resurface multiple times.

Most issues are the results of the dynamic that develops and it takes both people to fix it.

[Anonymous]

You know, my husband felt this way too, even as we had discussed finances and shared credit reports etc before marriage. We had a real come to jesus moment early in our marriage (I'm talking a few months in) where I expressed to him that as a WE any financial decisions HE made impacted ME and vice versa so we needed to be transparent.

What sparked this conversation is that through reasons beyond his control his income had decreased. I knew this but also saw him hustling to fill the gaps until things got sorted out not realizing he had just decided not to pay a credit card for a few months. We had decided to live off his income and my "job" was to focus on building savings with my salary, so I had like $30K in the bank. He felt like "asking" me for that money was somehow indicating he was a failure. I told him that the savings was for moments exactly like this! What good was it for the credit card not to get paid trashing his credit, but have thousands of dollars in the bank? He had been married previously and had to carry all the financial burden and that baggage was still with him. I think in that moment it "clicked" that he didn't have to do it all by himself anymore. We got Mint where we could track expenses/income/debt and that wasn't a problem again.