Husband filed taxes separately without me - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Agreed with PP... he is still lying. His tax return wouldn't show anything to do with his credit card debt. Make him pull a credit report and get proof that he actually filed his taxes. He must come 100% clean or your marriage will never recover. Make him understand.

I bought a place with my now-husband before we were even engaged (though we had already talked about getting married and gone to try one rings, and he proposed 6 months later). Our families weren't thrilled at the time, but honestly the home buying process gave us access to one another's financial information - not such a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Um, his story doesn’t make sense and he’s still lying. His tax return wouldn’t have anything to do with his credit card debt.

You’re being trickletruthed an should seriously consider a divorce. You were together 6 years before marriage? Abort mission.

I also think this is trickle truth. He's giving you a nugget so that you think the problem is easily solved. The cascade is coming OP

Absolutely trickle truth. There’s zero chance that’s the full picture since it’s pretty small potatoes.

At a minimum he's defaulted on the student loans and knows that any refund will go towards them which is why he mentioned not wanting OP to have to pay with the tax return

Good call.

I just re-read the OP. I don't think he filed the taxes at all (and maybe doesn't intend to)

It may be off topic but what are the consequences for not filing for a few years? Someone come knocking?

Fines, liens on properties and bank accounts

True if you owe the irs. If they owe you, they don’t care when you get your refund

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I were married in 2019. We have generally kept our finances pretty separate. We have separate credit/savings accounts and credit cards but recently opened a joint high yield savings account for wedding gifts. I initially added $20K of my savings to the account in order to get bonus cash into the account, and my husband contributes $250 per month. Ideally we want to use this account for big shared expenses (kids' tuition, vacations, etc.). Daily shared expenses like food and utilities, we split using Venmo. I am more of a saver and sometimes can be overly frugal; my husband is more of a spender and likes to spend money on nice material items. However, he has become more of a saver since we met, and I have learned to spend money on nicer things such as clothes which last longer and make me feel more put together.

Several months before getting married, I bought a condo in DC in my name since we weren't married at the time and I had the money saved up and a better credit score than him. My family also helped me with the downpayment. Since then, we have been living together in the condo and splitting the mortgage. We are trying to pay it off early so we are both contributing more than the minimum. My husband makes about 10% more than me, but he has more expenses, such as a car payment and student loans, which I do not pay. He does not share the details of how much makes or spends on these items, and I have generally felt that he was embarrassed to share or wanted to keep it private for some reason. He says that I tend to be controlling when it comes to money, and that may be why. However, I come from a family that is very financially savvy and has done a good job of saving, investing, etc., while his family spends more and, he himself admits, is less in control of their finances. I feel like I am trying to imitate my family's financial decisions, and while my husband generally agrees with my approach (maximizing retirement accounts, putting more money towards the mortgage), there still is tension in our relationship regarding money and different spending/saving habits that we each have.

A few weeks ago I asked about taxes this year (first year filing married), and my husband expressed a desire to file separately because of a student loan-related credit that he mistakenly took and would have to pay for. He said that he didn't want my return to cover that expense for him. I didn't really understand the issue and asked if we could compare married-filing-separately and married-filing-jointly in TurboTax and then make the decision on how to proceed. He said OK. A few weeks passed, and I suggested we start our taxes. Then my husband tells me that he already filed taxes his separately. I felt lied to and betrayed, especially knowing that he went behind my back to file knowing that we had agreed to work on it together. It got worse when I realized his decision would negatively impact me. Doing some research, I realized some of my healthcare costs and mortgage interest from this year put me well above the standard deduction amount, but since my husband chose the standard deduction option, I would be required to do so as well. That meant I would lose a few thousand dollars in savings on my tax return. He didn't realize this. Also, my husband was unable to deduct his student loan interest as a result of filing separately, but strangely he didn't seem to care.

We had a very large argument about it. He said that he didn't want to share his financial information with me because he thought I would be judgmental. I told him that I would not judge how much he had in his accounts or how much debt he had; I was willing to be fully transparent on my end and thought we both should be, especially now that we are married. I told him that I felt like I lost my trust in him and that he was hiding something. After some more discussion and tears, eventually we found that he could amend his return to itemize his deductions so I would be able to as well. However he wouldn't budge on wanting to keep his finances private / filing taxes separately.

I am concerned that this secrecy is a red flag and a serious problem in our relationship. In my family, all the couples I know who have been happy and financially successful pool their resources, have shared financial values, and are fully transparent with one another. I can understand that my husband might be embarrassed that he has less in savings than I do, but I still feel like we should feel comfortable being honest with one another. I have offered to do whatever it takes to convince him that I won't be judgmental, to no avail. I should note that my husband has lied to me twice before about somewhat similar issues over the 6+ years we have been together (i.e., issues where he was embarrassed for me to know the truth because he thought it made him look bad). Do you think my husband's lie is a serious relationship red flag, or something that is understandable considering his finances are first and foremost his business? Is it unreasonable for me to want us to be fully transparent? What else can I do to improve this situation and our relationship? Appreciate any advice.

First, yes, it's a red flag-- but there is another possibility. Your DH may not want to give up any financial autonomy and so is using a cloak of secrecy to keep you at bay. The truth may be that his financial foibles are petty and addressable, not the extreme suggestions on this thread (but don't dismiss that he has something significant to hide like he's gifted money to someone or is paying off a tax debt). He just may not want to partner with you over finances. This isn't good a) because you might find later that he makes missteps that negatively affect you both (like this tax return or taking on debt) and b) it's very hard to have joint life goals if you aren't partners, on the same page about money.

I doubt that there any many marriages that have been free of financial stress-- or that everyone is perfect accord all the time, but your situation is more worrisome.

[Anonymous]

He has a secret

[Anonymous]

NP. Red flags smacking you in the face everywhere here.

I would demand FULL access to every single piece of his financial life - credit reports (that YOU pull), ALL bank accounts, ALL tax returns, EVERYTHING, literally TODAY or I would be seeing a lawyer tomorrow about getting a divorce ASAP.

You have no idea what he's into - maybe lost job, second family or secret kid(s) somewhere, gambling or online porn addiction, secret debts, who knows, but you need to figure it out ASAP and distance yourself from it.

[Anonymous]

This is insane. I question your judgement as you married this dude without doing your due diligence. Get the facts ASAP or leave

[Anonymous]

This is textbook trickle truth, OP. He is hiding MUCH more. As others have said, credit card debt has nothing to do with tax returns.

Demand that tomorrow he provide:

- tax returns copies for this year and 5 years prior
- get a credit report in front of you so he can’t falsify it
- pay stubs for the past 12 months — get them with him if possible (like, make him log on to his work portal with you)
- passwords for all accounts on his credit report

Something much bigger is lurking. You already know you can’t trust him. If he cannot provide you with these documents tonight or tomorrow, ask him to leave your condo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had no business getting married before discussing these kinds of things or going to premarital counseling. When he chose to marry you, that made it your business. You are his wife and he should have nothing to be ashamed about if he was secure with the two of you. I would be livid if my husband filed separately in secret Which costs me and us money ultimately, then continues to do this shady shit on the side. You need to get into counseling ASAP or move on.

+1000
Many people associate premarital counseling with religion, and indeed it has long been required or very strongly recommended in the Catholic church as well as by many ministers and rabbis. Religion-based or not, first marriage or not, it's critical. At worst you'll waste some time finding out that you're already on the same page.

But that's water under the bridge now. You need to meet with a financial planner and/or couples counselor.

+1000 This should have been discussed before now. You need a third party mediator or this will escalate to a bad place.

[Anonymous]

I read your update, OP, and I agree with the PP that thinks you still need to go through counseling with him and individually. The one thing that really concerned me from your update was that you are going to pay off his debt and expect him to pay you back using monthly installments? You sound nuts, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Red flags smacking you in the face everywhere here.

I would demand FULL access to every single piece of his financial life - credit reports (that YOU pull), ALL bank accounts, ALL tax returns, EVERYTHING, literally TODAY or I would be seeing a lawyer tomorrow about getting a divorce ASAP.

You have no idea what he's into - maybe lost job, second family or secret kid(s) somewhere, gambling or online porn addiction, secret debts, who knows, but you need to figure it out ASAP and distance yourself from it.

THIS THIS THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read your update, OP, and I agree with the PP that thinks you still need to go through counseling with him and individually. The one thing that really concerned me from your update was that you are going to pay off his debt and expect him to pay you back using monthly installments? You sound nuts, OP.

I do think that setup is unconventional in a marriage. On the one hand he hides things and she shouldn’t be responsible for his prior debt, but her smug approach probably drives him to hiding more. I can’t see this ever working out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I shared this post with my husband. After reading your comments, he broke down and told me he had $10K in credit card debt that he was too embarrassed to share with me and had hoped to pay off before the wedding. He was apologetic and said he'd open up his books and let me see his accounts. I was stunned to hear the news because I had asked about debt before and he had only mentioned the student loans. I am seriously hurt and feel misled. I feel like I can't trust him to be honest or to be smart with money anymore. Luckily it could have been worse, I guess. We are working on setting up a more detailed budget now with all our financial info and I'm trying to determine next steps. I'm open to your ideas on how to tackle this. I plan to take a look at all of his accounts online. I believe the interest rate on the credit card debt is very high. I have enough money to cover the debt and have no doubt he would pay me back if we stick to a payment plan because he has always been responsible when it comes to contributing to our joint expenses. But I'm not sure if that is a good approach.

I agree with folks who posted that I should have demanded this kind of transparency from the outset. I feel like we could have worked through this issue together earlier. I also feel like I married him not knowing the full extent of his situation.

I just thought we could be responsible for our past finances separately and move forward with the new savings account together. He is otherwise a very responsible, caring, and put together person so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Evidently that was not the right way to handle it.

How would he “pay” you back? Your expenses are his expenses.

[Anonymous]

I found out he has $8.5K in credit card debt, $2K in a personal loan that he took out to pay that debt, and he withdrew from his 401K to pay the debt. He had told me that he was maxing out his 401K since 2019, but that was inaccurate. I also saw his checking/savings, which have only $20 in them. He has more saved in our mortgage and joint savings account than on his own. I appreciate that he was totally open and showed me his credit report online. We worked out a budget where he could put $1000 per month towards his debts to pay them off in about a year. I am just unsure of where to go from here.

[Anonymous]

You paying off his debt makes no sense. Take his money out of the joint account to pay off his debt. And take yours out and keep it in your account. As everyone has said, $10k in credit card debt doesn’t explain why he won’t file taxes with you. Has he agreed to do so now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is an ENORMOUS red flag. I actually wonder if he is hiding wage garnishment or something. I would ask that he pull a credit report for you to see.

Agree. Also, this should have been discussed before you got married. I knew my husbands financial situation long before marriage and he knew mine.

I do not understand couples you keep everything separate. You are partners for life - save together spend together.