Husband filed taxes separately without me - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Men get weird about saving face and wanting to be the one to wear the pants in the family. I'd just file separately this year but try to get him to see a financial advisor together with you or try to convince him why it's in his best interest to file jointly next year.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn’t hand over his W2 and his filed tax return immediately and without delay, then I could NOT stay with him. If he refuses to do this, you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn’t hand over his W2 and his filed tax return immediately and without delay, then I could NOT stay with him. If he refuses to do this, you have your answer.

This may be painful but you have to confront him. There is no marriage if he can't show you the documents. I don't believe he's ashamed of debt, I think he has more money than he's willing to acknowledge openly.

He is teaching you how to live as a single woman. If he doesn't share the information with you, take the lesson and become the single woman you actually are.

There's no way around this. It's a cancer that will erode your marriage if you choose to stay, and you'll know that this was the moment you should have cut your losses.

Get your bags ready and be willing to leave the moment he hems and haws about showing you what he has at hand. He needs to know you're serious about what intimacy requires. He blatantly went behind your back. How many times will he have to repeat this behavior for it to get through to you that this may only be a one-sided marriage?

BTDT

[Anonymous]

He needs to understand that marriage is an economic partnership as well. The days of men hiding the balance sheet are long over.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. My husband showed me everything and let me go through his credit card statements, W2, etc. I really appreciated that. His income was what I expected and there were no more big surprises which was a relief. The debt seemed to be from some consistently compulsive purchases like expensive clothing. He said he had a shopping problem and had always had an unhealthy relationship with money. He was trying to pay it down but it was just out of hand. To consolidate the credit, he only kept one credit card for his use. But his payments were only able to cover so much of the debt since the interest rate is so high and it seemed like he was still spending above his means. He said he was committed to finding a solution together and wanted to stay accountable and transparent. We worked out a budget and plan to start putting the majority of our income going forward into a joint checking account. We have a budget planned where we have specific amounts allocated towards expenses which we split, and large chucks of his income are being allocated so he can pay off the bills. I offered to pay some of the cards off immediately but he would pay me back according to the budget spreadsheet. We calculated that he should be in the clear by end of November this year. I promised to try to be more empathetic and we agreed to continue to monitor the budget together. Good news, I think. I’m still processing all this but I feel like we are making progress and have a plan.

[Anonymous]

Good news, op. You might still benefit from some couples counseling and or a discussion with a financial planner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. My husband showed me everything and let me go through his credit card statements, W2, etc. I really appreciated that. His income was what I expected and there were no more big surprises which was a relief. The debt seemed to be from some consistently compulsive purchases like expensive clothing. He said he had a shopping problem and had always had an unhealthy relationship with money. He was trying to pay it down but it was just out of hand. To consolidate the credit, he only kept one credit card for his use. But his payments were only able to cover so much of the debt since the interest rate is so high and it seemed like he was still spending above his means. He said he was committed to finding a solution together and wanted to stay accountable and transparent. We worked out a budget and plan to start putting the majority of our income going forward into a joint checking account. We have a budget planned where we have specific amounts allocated towards expenses which we split, and large chucks of his income are being allocated so he can pay off the bills. I offered to pay some of the cards off immediately but he would pay me back according to the budget spreadsheet. We calculated that he should be in the clear by end of November this year. I promised to try to be more empathetic and we agreed to continue to monitor the budget together. Good news, I think. I’m still processing all this but I feel like we are making progress and have a plan.

Good for both of you! I’m impressed!

[Anonymous]

OP, pull his credit report. Do not believe that the credit card statements are his only debts. I hope he can be honest with you and you can stay married but don't be 100% sure he's telling you the whole truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. My husband showed me everything and let me go through his credit card statements, W2, etc. I really appreciated that. His income was what I expected and there were no more big surprises which was a relief. The debt seemed to be from some consistently compulsive purchases like expensive clothing. He said he had a shopping problem and had always had an unhealthy relationship with money. He was trying to pay it down but it was just out of hand. To consolidate the credit, he only kept one credit card for his use. But his payments were only able to cover so much of the debt since the interest rate is so high and it seemed like he was still spending above his means. He said he was committed to finding a solution together and wanted to stay accountable and transparent. We worked out a budget and plan to start putting the majority of our income going forward into a joint checking account. We have a budget planned where we have specific amounts allocated towards expenses which we split, and large chucks of his income are being allocated so he can pay off the bills. I offered to pay some of the cards off immediately but he would pay me back according to the budget spreadsheet. We calculated that he should be in the clear by end of November this year. I promised to try to be more empathetic and we agreed to continue to monitor the budget together. Good news, I think. I’m still processing all this but I feel like we are making progress and have a plan.

Good for both of you! I’m impressed!

OP- my DH likes nice clothing that is a little above our means and he's not great with money...it's not an insurmountable problem if your DH admits this is an issue for him and agrees to let you do the budget managing (while he sticks to it). Be ready though, when things are good, they want to spend, spend, spend. The best way to do things is to immediately channel money to debt, savings, mortgage, investments/401K so they never see it.
Compulsive issues like gambling, not holding down a job, etc. are bigger problems than wanting Gucci loafers on a Clark's budget. I keep a little in reserve so DH can indulge when he gets a bonus (nice watch, or good suit).
I'm not perfect either- I'm a convenience person. I like insta cart, streaming television, etc. We allow little luxuries, but the best thing is to safely disappear that money so it's unavailable for frivolous spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look- everyone is being an alarmist. You are young and at the beginning of your marriage, so there is an easy solution. Combine finances completely so that you are in charge of them. He doesn’t know how to be financially responsible so he is embarrassed, but if he is okay with outsourcing to that’s great! My SIL and brother were similar and after almost 5 years of marriage they have everything combined and she is in charge and things are peachy. But don’t trust him to do it! The only thing he should have to do is put you in charge of everything because you know what you are doing. You each bring your own strengths to the marriage. Good luck!

Also- can he amend his tax filing?

Combining finances completely with someone who is irresponsible with money AND is dishonest is about the dumbest advice I've seen on DCUM. OP should absolutely keep a stash of pre-marital money in an account that is not jointly owned so that she has an out if her husband continues to squander their joint money on things they cannot afford. Their joint account can be his financial training wheels, but it should not have enough money that, should he be irresponsible with it, OP is up a creek.

It is one thing to be financially illiterate - that's not unusual and it's fixable. The lying is what is most concerning, and I hope that they get some counseling to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

I still plan to keep my premarital savings in my separate bank account so it’s only in my name. I agree it isn’t a good idea to pool all our money together at this point...and honestly I plan to always maintain and continue to grow my own savings account with a chunk of change in case anything happens. But starting a joint account will be good for transparency and accountability, and I think it’s better to both be pulling money from that account for joint expenses that align with our budget rather than pulling from separate savings when I have no visibility into it. My husband automatically forwarded email confirmations of any purchases he makes on his own credit card, which is good. (He agreed no purchase this week until we finalize the budget.)

We both did research and believe my husband has compulsive spending disorder which is probably what led to this debt. Based on my reading it also comes with lying about purchase and money in general. I wonder if anyone here has experience with this? I asked my husband if we could attend some debtors anonymous meetings and he reached out to a few folks and seems excited to go. I really hope we are on the right track. My biggest concern is the lying but I hope that it’s a symptom of the disorder and not something more fundamental to his character (I don’t think it is but I’m not sure), and that we can work on it together at DA.

[Anonymous]

I'm currently divorcing, and my ex has exhibited many of these behaviors, including hiding income. I never thought about pulling my ex's credit report. Can you do that without their permission?

[Anonymous]

We pulled his credit report together to create a list of all the credit card debt. Each night before bed we do a money check-in and open the budget spreadsheet and his credit report. We’ll probably dial it back to twice a week after a month of sticking to the budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just frustrated and scared for what the future holds. I have not been much of a budgeter since I was assuming he’s had it under control. I don’t want to have to be checking credit card statements every month like an auditor. I just wish I could trust him. Im sorry I’m just really frustrated and upset. He told me he had $40k in savings and has like $20. It’s just a complete shock.

We go through all of our credit and bank statements monthly, logging them into a spreadsheet (Mint or You Need a Budget might be easier) and have a good idea of what we spend on food, cars, house, etc. We have joint accounts and personal accounts, generally covering our own clothing/extra budgets with our personal account and the kid/food/house/joint purchases with shared amount. However, we both agree that money is family money, in the end. We spend below our means and pay off cards each month. We set goals for extra mortgage payments, investment accounts, etc. that comes from both of our savings.

Sounds like you are getting to a place where you can set up a budget and start sticking to it. Hope your husband continues to be on board! It's definitely a weird transition to think about this as a family after spending as you please for so long.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, I would have never married a man if he was secretive about money. Being open an honest about income, debt and savings amounts should have happened and been revealed BEFORE you got married. I'm surprised your financially savvy family didn't advise you on this. Your dh is definitely hiding something bigger than what he's letting on. A marriage won't last with secrets this big.