Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives

Husbands have 50% of the parenting power. Few males parent-in-the-extreme the way women do. My husband telling me to "back off" was one of the best things. He claimed his 50%. His parenting was different from mine but reasonable.

I am sure your methods were acceptable to him too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor.

What’s the husband/ father doing during all of these above examples? Sounds disengaged right out of the gate instead of leading the family and instilling values, common sense and discipline.

+1000 Op has not addressed this.

Misogyny?
Self centered?
Mental disorder?
Priorities all backward?
Replicating what his father did?
Hates children - wrong expectations of parenting and child raising?
Can’t communicate well with spouse?
Lack of effective parenting tools or style (ie a pushover, easily gives up)?

[Anonymous]

Cultural? Grew up in totally different place and environment?
Religious or lack thereof?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I have seen this scenario over and over- you are likely right.

Often the issue is if mom is available - dad will sit back and let her do everything. Suddenly when he has the kids 50% of the time he seems to manage. I don’t know how this gets during the marriage though- the dad is often resistant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I have seen this scenario over and over- you are likely right.

Often the issue is if mom is available - dad will sit back and let her do everything. Suddenly when he has the kids 50% of the time he seems to manage. I don’t know how this gets during the marriage though- the dad is often resistant.

Most dads actually do participate in parenting. It is not at all surprising that the kind of guy who doesn't will also blame his wife for his own failure. It is no wonder that such a marriage doesn't last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor.

How much weight of the child rearing did they carry?

I've seen this far too many times. The dad sits back during the infancy/toddler years, then only speaks up when it's convenient later on. If the dad's did not go into the parenting role as a full on 50/50 partner from the beginning and then criticizes the decisions the wife makes regarding the kid, then of course there would be resentment.

OP, this happens when as you say, there is a priority on the kids. But this imbalance occurs because they're not both in it 50/50 from the get go, the mom makes up for the dad's lack of energy, then gets blamed for focusing too much energy on her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor.

How much weight of the child rearing did they carry?

I've seen this far too many times. The dad sits back during the infancy/toddler years, then only speaks up when it's convenient later on. If the dad's did not go into the parenting role as a full on 50/50 partner from the beginning and then criticizes the decisions the wife makes regarding the kid, then of course there would be resentment.

OP, this happens when as you say, there is a priority on the kids. But this imbalance occurs because they're not both in it 50/50 from the get go, the mom makes up for the dad's lack of energy, then gets blamed for focusing too much energy on her kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

We are still in the little kid years (ages 1 and 3) and man the kids take up a ton of energy. Obviously, I knew our time would be limited when we had kids but I didn't realize how much physical energy it would consume. We mostly play with the kids at home or outside/playground so not really a lot of activities but even doing what we do there's not a lot of energy left for each other. We're grinding through it as best we can but these little kid years are tough for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In most opposite-sex marriages where neither partner has been divorced, the two partners become parents at the very same moment.

But somehow it is the women who are supposed to "teach" the men to coparent. In addition to recovering from childbirth/major surgery, we are supposed to coax our men into participating. And if we don't? Well, that's our fault too.

You’re so clueless about how to get a man to be your partner that you’re running wild with my comment to “teach” a man to coparent. Does your husband do 50 percent of the housework and childcare? Because mine does. So maybe you should stop making fun of my comment and listen instead.

You know how you teach a man to coparent? You leave the house. You get a life. Make plans with friends, have a career, prioritize your health and happiness. You basically live like a man. At the most, you sit down with a list of what needs to be done on a daily/monthly/annual basis (doctors for kids, kids clothing, thank you notes, holiday presents etc) and you figure out who is going to do what.

I am not in this situation as my husband is very hands on. But I do have friends with husbands who don't carry their weight, and if they leave for an evening to spend time with friends or go exercise, they can count on coming home to a filthy house and starving children who are awake and tearing the house apart at 11 pm while husband scrolls through his phone on the couch, completely unbothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are still in the little kid years (ages 1 and 3) and man the kids take up a ton of energy. Obviously, I knew our time would be limited when we had kids but I didn't realize how much physical energy it would consume. We mostly play with the kids at home or outside/playground so not really a lot of activities but even doing what we do there's not a lot of energy left for each other. We're grinding through it as best we can but these little kid years are tough for sure.

Exact same situation here, kids also 1 and 3. We both work full time (and then some) in demanding jobs outside of the home, and we are perpetually exhausted. My husband is an incredibly hands on dad and partner but we definitely lack quality time together. By the time the kids are in bed, the chores are done, and work emails have been wrapped up, we are falling into bed in a dead sleep. I schedule sex to maintain a connection... not exactly romantic but it is what it is right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor.

How much weight of the child rearing did they carry?

I've seen this far too many times. The dad sits back during the infancy/toddler years, then only speaks up when it's convenient later on. If the dad's did not go into the parenting role as a full on 50/50 partner from the beginning and then criticizes the decisions the wife makes regarding the kid, then of course there would be resentment.

OP, this happens when as you say, there is a priority on the kids. But this imbalance occurs because they're not both in it 50/50 from the get go, the mom makes up for the dad's lack of energy, then gets blamed for focusing too much energy on her kids.

+1

Agreed. If you aren't doing 50% of the work, you're probably not stepping up to have 50% of the say in planning their days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We have made it a priority to put our marriage first. We have a 4-month-old baby and are going to trying for a second child soon by the first year. We don't neglect him, but we have done things to benefit our marriage - early bedtime, a schedule, sleeping in his own crib, etc. We are all to spend 1-2 hours together most nights and we do a date night every week. We only go probably 2-3 times a month, but we do a date night in with some take out, wine, and a movie. We have sex most nights or every other day. If sex isn't on the table, I almost always give him oral sex. I think it helps that he is a 50/50 partner in parenting and running the household.

Sex every day or so plus oral will keep any man happy.

+1. You sound amazing!

she sounds like ... a mom to a single 4, easy 4-month old, who may have a different perspective in a few years.

Or maybe not. As a mom you can make your life a lot easier if you sleep train and have your baby on a schedule. A mom who prioritizes this will most likely also do things to continue having a well run household as their baby gets older.

There are many moms I know who don’t DO things that would make their life easier. This continues as their kids age. They don’t create boundaries, wait for ages to potty train, don’t sleep train, allow their husbands not to coparent etc.

PP here. We may have had an easy child but we made ways to make our life easier. We had him on a schedule since two months old and put him in his crib ( his room is 10ft. away) when he started sleeping 5-8 hour stretches at that age. We started an 8pm bedtime and have stuck with that. I think there are ways to make your life easier with a child. I have friends who put their entire life into their child and their husbands sleep on the couch and are that leads to a lonely marriage. It's not just about sex - you have to still be his best friend and connect Onan emotional level. I try to do that. We love our child and will be there for him, but our relationship will be there when he grows up. It's also important to really mirror values and beliefs you want your child to do. A parents relationships is the first a child will ever be exposed to. We want him to see happy and loving partnership. For us that means alone time together and being connected sexually.

yeah, you’ve got it ALL figured out, 4 months in. Congrats. PS I did Ferber at 4 months and it didn’t make my DH into a better partner.

PP here. I was a nanny for 10 years prior to having kids. I'm sorry your husband is not a better partner. I think that has nothing to do with you having children though. I think many women don't have the best partners but think the guy will change once they have kids.

Ooooh - are you the same mom with the 300k HHI who doesn't want to pay a part-time nanny the full time rate but also doesn't want to do daycare? Yes, you have it all figured out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are still in the little kid years (ages 1 and 3) and man the kids take up a ton of energy. Obviously, I knew our time would be limited when we had kids but I didn't realize how much physical energy it would consume. We mostly play with the kids at home or outside/playground so not really a lot of activities but even doing what we do there's not a lot of energy left for each other. We're grinding through it as best we can but these little kid years are tough for sure.

Exact same situation here, kids also 1 and 3. We both work full time (and then some) in demanding jobs outside of the home, and we are perpetually exhausted. My husband is an incredibly hands on dad and partner but we definitely lack quality time together. By the time the kids are in bed, the chores are done, and work emails have been wrapped up, we are falling into bed in a dead sleep. I schedule sex to maintain a connection... not exactly romantic but it is what it is right now.

I found hiring a sitter on Sunday mornings so we could spend time together and then have sex in the afternoon when the kids were napping to really work when the kids were this young.

[Anonymous]

It probably should have happened earlier, but one of the best things that happened in my marriage was my wife going on vacation for a week when the kids were about one and two years old, respectively. I gained a bunch of confidence in taking care of the kids, and she learned to back off a little and let me do things my way. After that, I was quicker to take charge, and she wasn't so quick to jump in when I wasn't doing things quite her way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It probably should have happened earlier, but one of the best things that happened in my marriage was my wife going on vacation for a week when the kids were about one and two years old, respectively. I gained a bunch of confidence in taking care of the kids, and she learned to back off a little and let me do things my way. After that, I was quicker to take charge, and she wasn't so quick to jump in when I wasn't doing things quite her way.

This. You have to leave. Not just for a few hours to get your hair done. It’s this simple. Women are doing everything because on some level, we allow it.

I can think of a few moms whose husbands aren’t true partners and they all are always home and at the beck and call of their kids. I assume they like doing everything and don’t want their husband involved.