Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

Nice way to talk about the mother of your kids. What a prize YOU are, talk about being a pig!

DP, female.

If you’ve never lived with a “pig”(any gender), you don’t know how hurtful it is!

[Anonymous]

I think there are personal preferences to how much time with/away from kids people like and there’s a wide range of generally healthy and fine and there are extremes that are not good on either end. There are also kids who do well with any of a variety of parenting styles/techniques and kids who do NOT and are therefore harder to parent.

Anyway, of course there are mothers who are too wrapped up in their kids and exclude their husbands, but there are a lot more people who fall into a bad dynamic/balance and it’s hard to get out. And there are also men who do nothing around the house but bitch and moan about how what they want doesn’t always come first anymore.

It’s hard for anyone on the outside to know what any particular couple/family’s issues are. I do think people who will never leave their kid with a sitter are nuts and make life pretty difficult for themselves and their partners. But I know very very few of those people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are personal preferences to how much time with/away from kids people like and there’s a wide range of generally healthy and fine and there are extremes that are not good on either end. There are also kids who do well with any of a variety of parenting styles/techniques and kids who do NOT and are therefore harder to parent.

Anyway, of course there are mothers who are too wrapped up in their kids and exclude their husbands, but there are a lot more people who fall into a bad dynamic/balance and it’s hard to get out. And there are also men who do nothing around the house but bitch and moan about how what they want doesn’t always come first anymore.

It’s hard for anyone on the outside to know what any particular couple/family’s issues are. I do think people who will never leave their kid with a sitter are nuts and make life pretty difficult for themselves and their partners. But I know very very few of those people.

Good post. This pretty much sums it up.

[Anonymous]

This absolutely happened in my marriage. 45 and separated. It's heartbreaking to see in retrospect. Not blaming mom or dad, blame is a useless game.

We were that super happy couple pre kids and it's totally gone now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

NP here. I’m thinking you and your friends are the pigs here with how you belittle your ex spouses. None of this is easy and when you say it’s not a big deal, you’re shit talking. Hard to believe anything you say. Incredibly offensive post and I’ve always been WOHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I get that you think this makes SAH wives look worthless, but a grown man who doesn't know how to cook or do laundry until after getting married, having kids, and then getting a divorce was a shitty partner, full stop. This is basic adulting. He wasn't even a decent roommate, let alone spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I get that you think this makes SAH wives look worthless, but a grown man who doesn't know how to cook or do laundry until after getting married, having kids, and then getting a divorce was a shitty partner, full stop. This is basic adulting. He wasn't even a decent roommate, let alone spouse.

+1

[Anonymous]

Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW - she's on the fence and can go either way.

Current baby is 7 months old and we are already exhausted from five wake-ups last night. I can't imagine juggling two kids under the age of 2. Eff that,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW - she's on the fence and can go either way.

Current baby is 7 months old and we are already exhausted from five wake-ups last night. I can't imagine juggling two kids under the age of 2. Eff that,

C’mon. Having two kids under two is HARD. Most couples don’t want to do this. The ones who do are usually approaching 40 and don’t want to miss out on a second kid.

If you want to keep things relatively easy, wait until the second kid in preschool and waking up at a decent time.

Also you need to sleep train!!! Why are you even tending to a 7 month old 5 times a night? That’s your own choice. Only time you should be doing that is if the baby is ill. Babies that age shouldn’t even eat during the night. Take care of this problem now before it gets worse.

[Anonymous]

Kids bring more responsibilities. And schedule changes.
Owning a house, cars, years a bring more responsibilities.
Even managing a nanny or sitter is a responsibility.

Some people try to maintain their same 100% time to the office, despite laying on more non-office responsibilities.

Who will do them? What is outsourceable? Only the obvious routine stuff. Many things are not outsourceable.

And by age 7 your kids know if you are present for them or not. If all you got is good around time and execution monkey, step up. Talk, think, manage, love, connect, anticipate, plan, instill values, make the tough calls (kid is sick, Ld, bad friends, better sports program, needs a tutor, needs a medical specialist, needs a different school). That’s real parenting. not a paycheck and pat on the head at 8pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

Nice way to talk about the mother of your kids. What a prize YOU are, talk about being a pig!

DP, female.

If you’ve never lived with a “pig”(any gender), you don’t know how hurtful it is!

People here act confused when they hear someone never picked up after himself, cooked, planned, did laundry, or helped the kids outs when living with a wife. Then - viola- he suddenly can while living in an apartment or townhouse and playing with his kids a couple days a week.

That’s textbook a-Hole taking advantage of and disrespecting his spouse. Is he also bare minimum / so nothing guy at the office? Laughing while everyone drags along his dead weight?

[Anonymous]

Voila!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW - she's on the fence and can go either way.

Current baby is 7 months old and we are already exhausted from five wake-ups last night. I can't imagine juggling two kids under the age of 2. Eff that,

C’mon. Having two kids under two is HARD. Most couples don’t want to do this. The ones who do are usually approaching 40 and don’t want to miss out on a second kid.

If you want to keep things relatively easy, wait until the second kid in preschool and waking up at a decent time.

Also you need to sleep train!!! Why are you even tending to a 7 month old 5 times a night? That’s your own choice. Only time you should be doing that is if the baby is ill. Babies that age shouldn’t even eat during the night. Take care of this problem now before it gets worse.

We are in the middle of sleep training. The kid just simply isn't there yet. Some nights are great (8 hours - yes!) and other nights are horrible (5 wake-ups). Last night, baby woke up horribly thirsty - had dry lips and refused to take the pacifier due to lack of saliva.

Like I said, I can't imagine this with two young kids. We are so burned out and already have stressful jobs. A second child will really change our finances, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW - she's on the fence and can go either way.

Current baby is 7 months old and we are already exhausted from five wake-ups last night. I can't imagine juggling two kids under the age of 2. Eff that,

C’mon. Having two kids under two is HARD. Most couples don’t want to do this. The ones who do are usually approaching 40 and don’t want to miss out on a second kid.

If you want to keep things relatively easy, wait until the second kid in preschool and waking up at a decent time.

Also you need to sleep train!!! Why are you even tending to a 7 month old 5 times a night? That’s your own choice. Only time you should be doing that is if the baby is ill. Babies that age shouldn’t even eat during the night. Take care of this problem now before it gets worse.

We are in the middle of sleep training. The kid just simply isn't there yet. Some nights are great (8 hours - yes!) and other nights are horrible (5 wake-ups). Last night, baby woke up horribly thirsty - had dry lips and refused to take the pacifier due to lack of saliva.

Like I said, I can't imagine this with two young kids. We are so burned out and already have stressful jobs. A second child will really change our finances, too.

If you think this is hard, you should not have a 2nd but don't try to stop your wife from having more kids. That is where you will go wrong.

Be honest, you thought you could be a father, but quite frankly you are a little soft and you over estimated your ability.

Don't stand in your wife's way of wanting more kids. Don't blame her for your failing at this. Don't have a kid to "keep the marriage'.

Be honest and let her find a life partner who is up for this having kids, being tired, working and being loving and supportive instead of a whiny mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW - she's on the fence and can go either way.

Current baby is 7 months old and we are already exhausted from five wake-ups last night. I can't imagine juggling two kids under the age of 2. Eff that,

C’mon. Having two kids under two is HARD. Most couples don’t want to do this. The ones who do are usually approaching 40 and don’t want to miss out on a second kid.

If you want to keep things relatively easy, wait until the second kid in preschool and waking up at a decent time.

Also you need to sleep train!!! Why are you even tending to a 7 month old 5 times a night? That’s your own choice. Only time you should be doing that is if the baby is ill. Babies that age shouldn’t even eat during the night. Take care of this problem now before it gets worse.

We are in the middle of sleep training. The kid just simply isn't there yet. Some nights are great (8 hours - yes!) and other nights are horrible (5 wake-ups). Last night, baby woke up horribly thirsty - had dry lips and refused to take the pacifier due to lack of saliva.

Like I said, I can't imagine this with two young kids. We are so burned out and already have stressful jobs. A second child will really change our finances, too.

You need a humidifier in the nursery.