Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know thinks like OP is super focused on self-care and pretty selfish, and their kids end up a mess. You can be a dedicated parent and still maintain a marriage.

Same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Reading this, it just seems sad that so many men don’t care about their children.

Worse: they get jealous, disengage, blame their wife

It’s pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know thinks like OP is super focused on self-care and pretty selfish, and their kids end up a mess. You can be a dedicated parent and still maintain a marriage.

Same

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Reading this, it just seems sad that so many men don’t care about their children.

NP: While I don’t think men love their children any less than women do...I think the truth is many (not all) care far far less about everyday things than women do. My DH would be fine with sticking the kids in front of the tv while feeding them frozen pizza 5 nights out of 7 while we have a drink on the patio and I listen to him talk about his day, then have sex. Now that can be done on occasion sure! But not nearly as often as DH might like..our kids would be fat, unhealthy, and addicted to screens. It isn’t that our DH doesn’t love our kids- but he does not think through the long term implications of things sometimes. We won’t have a very happy marriage in 10yrs when our kids turn out lazy and awful either...KWIM? It is a balance.

Also- when I was in elementary school (the age my kids are) we were often turned loose to run around the neighborhood and/or call grandma (I had two who lived in the same town we did)- these days that is not feasible for many. Sitters are great- we use them- but hard to swing more than twice/mo or so due to $ and schedules.

[Anonymous]

So what do you do if you can't afford sitters and nights out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what do you do if you can't afford sitters and nights out?

Put the kids to bed, open a bottle of wine (doesn't need to be expensive), put some music on, curl up on the couch and let nature take over.

[Anonymous]

The fact is that raising kids well takes up a ton of time and resources. There is no way out of that if you want to do a good job. So, it is important to choose a partner who understands the marriage may take a back seat in the early years. Hopefully everyone can maintain their ability to see the big picture and that kids grow up and very quickly become much less energy and time sucking than in the very early years. But the solution is not to ignore the kids in favor of the marriage. That is bad for the family unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Reading this, it just seems sad that so many men don’t care about their children.

NP: While I don’t think men love their children any less than women do...I think the truth is many (not all) care far far less about everyday things than women do. My DH would be fine with sticking the kids in front of the tv while feeding them frozen pizza 5 nights out of 7 while we have a drink on the patio and I listen to him talk about his day, then have sex. Now that can be done on occasion sure! But not nearly as often as DH might like..our kids would be fat, unhealthy, and addicted to screens. It isn’t that our DH doesn’t love our kids- but he does not think through the long term implications of things sometimes. We won’t have a very happy marriage in 10yrs when our kids turn out lazy and awful either...KWIM? It is a balance.

Also- when I was in elementary school (the age my kids are) we were often turned loose to run around the neighborhood and/or call grandma (I had two who lived in the same town we did)- these days that is not feasible for many. Sitters are great- we use them- but hard to swing more than twice/mo or so due to $ and schedules.

This- sometimes it’s a choice between being a sh!tty wife or a sh!tty mom. So we try to be “good enough” and balance both - some DHs can handle this some cannot. I don’t disagree that some wives obsess over the kids and ignore their DHs but not the majority. We are trying hard but are burned out and doing the best we can to keep everyone happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most successful families I know both mom and dad pour all their energy into family/kids. The kids thrive and the wife/husband honor both of their commitments to raise their kids with commitment.

They don’t belly ache about having less dates, less happy hours, or less money, or less energy.

They are tough and committed and reap the benefits as their kids become successful adults also committed to family.

LMAO!! OK. Their kids become entitled brats who think the universe revolves around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact is that raising kids well takes up a ton of time and resources. There is no way out of that if you want to do a good job. So, it is important to choose a partner who understands the marriage may take a back seat in the early years. Hopefully everyone can maintain their ability to see the big picture and that kids grow up and very quickly become much less energy and time sucking than in the very early years. But the solution is not to ignore the kids in favor of the marriage. That is bad for the family unit.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most successful families I know both mom and dad pour all their energy into family/kids. The kids thrive and the wife/husband honor both of their commitments to raise their kids with commitment.

They don’t belly ache about having less dates, less happy hours, or less money, or less energy.

They are tough and committed and reap the benefits as their kids become successful adults also committed to family.

LMAO!! OK. Their kids become entitled brats who think the universe revolves around them.

Adults who think like OP think the world revolves around them and their needs. Don’t have kids if you aren’t up for the job. We have a lot of very messed up adults who did not have proper guidance and support. We don’t need more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most successful families I know both mom and dad pour all their energy into family/kids. The kids thrive and the wife/husband honor both of their commitments to raise their kids with commitment.

They don’t belly ache about having less dates, less happy hours, or less money, or less energy.

They are tough and committed and reap the benefits as their kids become successful adults also committed to family.

LMAO!! OK. Their kids become entitled brats who think the universe revolves around them.

Adults who think like OP think the world revolves around them and their needs. Don’t have kids if you aren’t up for the job. We have a lot of very messed up adults who did not have proper guidance and support. We don’t need more.

+1

I would honestly rather see people not have kids vs this scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How about dad step it up? Why can not dad say no kids in bed or set up a date once a month or so?

Yeah it's definitely dad's fault when DW goes into hyper-mommy mode.

It's certainly his fault if he bails without COMMUNICATING.

Or helping. Lots of dads are hands-off when the kids are young b/c they are working or are not "baby people." Or any number of reasons. Or they don't help around the house (but will happily golf or watch TV or happy hours). They also fall off with the flowers and romance and can't understand why their wives aren't falling all over themselves to have them climb on them at 10 at night. Or they complain that they don't get attention.

Please.

Get involved. Stay involved. Show interest beyond sex. And communicate. Real men do this instead of being some crybaby snowflake.

And if you have and it hasn't worked, then leave instead of sneaking around with some other woman who isn't raising your kid, doing your laundry, etc. And I'd say the same thing in a situation where the roles are reversed.

[Anonymous]

Yes. We have made it a priority to put our marriage first. We have a 4-month-old baby and are going to trying for a second child soon by the first year. We don't neglect him, but we have done things to benefit our marriage - early bedtime, a schedule, sleeping in his own crib, etc. We are all to spend 1-2 hours together most nights and we do a date night every week. We only go probably 2-3 times a month, but we do a date night in with some take out, wine, and a movie. We have sex most nights or every other day. If sex isn't on the table, I almost always give him oral sex. I think it helps that he is a 50/50 partner in parenting and running the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact is that raising kids well takes up a ton of time and resources. There is no way out of that if you want to do a good job. So, it is important to choose a partner who understands the marriage may take a back seat in the early years. Hopefully everyone can maintain their ability to see the big picture and that kids grow up and very quickly become much less energy and time sucking than in the very early years. But the solution is not to ignore the kids in favor of the marriage. That is bad for the family unit.

I agree. I don’t think our marriage ever took a back seat because we both accepted that chaos would reign for a good ten years or so. We were definitely in it together and both of us were incredibly busy with both work and family to varying degrees. The romance and one on one time of the pre-kid years definitely took a hit but the joy of having children really brought us together. We did keep up an active sex life but the romantic pre-kid weekends went out the window. Now we are empty nesters and we love or time together but I do miss the young family adventure. The key is having the right partner but you never know until the babies show up whether you made a good choice.