Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My problem is being forced into picking up slack on the child maintenance in additional to my own half and family functionality, then being expected to change hats within seconds and become a "wife". Maybe if DH didn't dump all this crap on my plate and helped get the kids in bed by a decent time and balancing the mental load, Id be more "wifey" and less "neglectful" of his needs. If I get 15 minutes to myself at the end of the day at home, it't not going to be spend servicing DH. If i have to plan every single date including calling a sitter, it's already too much; I'd rather just stay home.

If he’s such a selfish a hole then leave the jerk!

But if you stay yet don’t want to be wifey, accept that he will find another woman for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem is being forced into picking up slack on the child maintenance in additional to my own half and family functionality, then being expected to change hats within seconds and become a "wife". Maybe if DH didn't dump all this crap on my plate and helped get the kids in bed by a decent time and balancing the mental load, Id be more "wifey" and less "neglectful" of his needs. If I get 15 minutes to myself at the end of the day at home, it't not going to be spend servicing DH. If i have to plan every single date including calling a sitter, it's already too much; I'd rather just stay home.

If he’s such a selfish a hole then leave the jerk!

But if you stay yet don’t want to be wifey, accept that he will find another woman for that.

No she doesn't have to do that. If he is a man, he'll do his share. Sneaking around, being dishonest and disrespectful, is not a picture of a real man. And certainly not a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I get that you think this makes SAH wives look worthless, but a grown man who doesn't know how to cook or do laundry until after getting married, having kids, and then getting a divorce was a shitty partner, full stop. This is basic adulting. He wasn't even a decent roommate, let alone spouse.

+2. And also, this dick has 50% of his time alone so of course there is less laundry, less to clean, etc. So, apples and oranges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem is being forced into picking up slack on the child maintenance in additional to my own half and family functionality, then being expected to change hats within seconds and become a "wife". Maybe if DH didn't dump all this crap on my plate and helped get the kids in bed by a decent time and balancing the mental load, Id be more "wifey" and less "neglectful" of his needs. If I get 15 minutes to myself at the end of the day at home, it't not going to be spend servicing DH. If i have to plan every single date including calling a sitter, it's already too much; I'd rather just stay home.

If he’s such a selfish a hole then leave the jerk!

But if you stay yet don’t want to be wifey, accept that he will find another woman for that.

So again the responsibility of making you a reasonable husband falls on the wife! All home/kids/relationship decisions fall on the wife and then you say it’s ok to cheat on her because she doesn’t have time for you. Just learn to be reasonable person on your own. Everything doesn’t have to be her responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem is being forced into picking up slack on the child maintenance in additional to my own half and family functionality, then being expected to change hats within seconds and become a "wife". Maybe if DH didn't dump all this crap on my plate and helped get the kids in bed by a decent time and balancing the mental load, Id be more "wifey" and less "neglectful" of his needs. If I get 15 minutes to myself at the end of the day at home, it't not going to be spend servicing DH. If i have to plan every single date including calling a sitter, it's already too much; I'd rather just stay home.

If he’s such a selfish a hole then leave the jerk!

But if you stay yet don’t want to be wifey, accept that he will find another woman for that.

No she doesn't have to do that. If he is a man, he'll do his share. Sneaking around, being dishonest and disrespectful, is not a picture of a real man. And certainly not a good one.

But she’s clearly saying he is NOT doing his share. So she should leave this worthless selfish jerk.

However, by staying sexlessly married to selfish jerk, she opens the marriage for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I get that you think this makes SAH wives look worthless, but a grown man who doesn't know how to cook or do laundry until after getting married, having kids, and then getting a divorce was a shitty partner, full stop. This is basic adulting. He wasn't even a decent roommate, let alone spouse.

This man did know how to cook and clean (he had once been a line cook, and had lived on his own for 15 years before having a late marriage) but that was over 25 years ago. He had forgotten how to cook. He and his kids eat a lot better now that he's cooking. He didn't file for divorce either, his ex-wife did. He wanted to stay married but she was looking to cash out of the marriage into a full retirement lifestyle.

This isn't the only guy I have seen this happen to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My problem is being forced into picking up slack on the child maintenance in additional to my own half and family functionality, then being expected to change hats within seconds and become a "wife". Maybe if DH didn't dump all this crap on my plate and helped get the kids in bed by a decent time and balancing the mental load, Id be more "wifey" and less "neglectful" of his needs. If I get 15 minutes to myself at the end of the day at home, it't not going to be spend servicing DH. If i have to plan every single date including calling a sitter, it's already too much; I'd rather just stay home.

Have you thought about your role in this? Is it your expectations of what DH should be doing or standards? For example, do the counters need to be wiped down 3x a day or is that your expectation of what needs to be done. Does Suzy really need help with her homework or brushing her teeth when the 10 yr old can navigate these things on her own? Does Johnny really need to play on 2 basketball teams? Does Emily really need a 10 person slumber party with fancy gift bags? I don’t say this in a mean way but from my own experience. I judged my DH on my own expectations and structured a life with DCs that meant a lot of things I expected help with were unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I’m glad things are better now but FYI: most women/moms work FT (and do a disproportionate share of childcare and household stuff too- certainly at least half). The whole “pampered sahm thing” may be common in your social circle but is very atypical in America today.

Calling your ex wife an “ex-pig” makes it very hard to take you seriously BTW.

I have been reading this forum for four years now, and "pig" is a term frequently used by women to describe their husbands, ex-husbands, and men in general, along with many other disparaging terms. Perhaps consider respecting men a bit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I get that you think this makes SAH wives look worthless, but a grown man who doesn't know how to cook or do laundry until after getting married, having kids, and then getting a divorce was a shitty partner, full stop. This is basic adulting. He wasn't even a decent roommate, let alone spouse.

This man did know how to cook and clean (he had once been a line cook, and had lived on his own for 15 years before having a late marriage) but that was over 25 years ago. He had forgotten how to cook. He and his kids eat a lot better now that he's cooking. He didn't file for divorce either, his ex-wife did. He wanted to stay married but she was looking to cash out of the marriage into a full retirement lifestyle.

This isn't the only guy I have seen this happen to.

If, after you get married, you FORGET how to cook and clean, you are a shitty partner. It's actually kind of funny that you think that explanation would be an improvement. No wonder his wife filed for divorce, are you kidding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I’m glad things are better now but FYI: most women/moms work FT (and do a disproportionate share of childcare and household stuff too- certainly at least half). The whole “pampered sahm thing” may be common in your social circle but is very atypical in America today.

Calling your ex wife an “ex-pig” makes it very hard to take you seriously BTW.

I have been reading this forum for four years now, and "pig" is a term frequently used by women to describe their husbands, ex-husbands, and men in general, along with many other disparaging terms. Perhaps consider respecting men a bit more.

Nice attempt at conversational judo. "I just called my ex-wife a pig, so therefore RESPECT MEN MORE!!1!!"

that's not how it works, sunshine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My problem is being forced into picking up slack on the child maintenance in additional to my own half and family functionality, then being expected to change hats within seconds and become a "wife". Maybe if DH didn't dump all this crap on my plate and helped get the kids in bed by a decent time and balancing the mental load, Id be more "wifey" and less "neglectful" of his needs. If I get 15 minutes to myself at the end of the day at home, it't not going to be spend servicing DH. If i have to plan every single date including calling a sitter, it's already too much; I'd rather just stay home.

He should do more, but it's not going to make you feel more "wifey." If you're not attracted to him, you're not attracted to him. More time isn't going to change that. You'd just fill it up with other things that you'd prefer to be doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem is being forced into picking up slack on the child maintenance in additional to my own half and family functionality, then being expected to change hats within seconds and become a "wife". Maybe if DH didn't dump all this crap on my plate and helped get the kids in bed by a decent time and balancing the mental load, Id be more "wifey" and less "neglectful" of his needs. If I get 15 minutes to myself at the end of the day at home, it't not going to be spend servicing DH. If i have to plan every single date including calling a sitter, it's already too much; I'd rather just stay home.

He should do more, but it's not going to make you feel more "wifey." If you're not attracted to him, you're not attracted to him. More time isn't going to change that. You'd just fill it up with other things that you'd prefer to be doing.

I could have written this a few years ago.The quality of the time my husband and I spend together is much better now that he's not resentful, checked out of taking care of our kids, and making me handle everything. As I have more free time, I am not just filling it with other stuff. I always wanted to be spending time with my husband, but it wasn't relaxing having him expect that I would be taking care of him and also knowing that it was coming out of time I could have spent sleeping, because he was not going to be the one to wake up with the kids, and I was constantly sleep-deprived.