Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?

[Anonymous]

I know a couple like this. The husband seemed amazed when my husband said we didn't cosleep. This other husband had been told it was "necessary." Also the other husband was not getting any action and said so. Surprised that we had action going on.

If mama/daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

[Anonymous]

I've got the impression there's massive sock-pupeting here.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at "fall into the role of Mommy." She is the mommy. If they don't parent, who will? Sounds like Dad isn't doing anything to change the unhealthy part of the dynamic.

Also, of the divorced couples we know, we have no real insight into what was going on in their relationships. I don't think you should assume you know either.

[Anonymous]

The most successful families I know both mom and dad pour all their energy into family/kids. The kids thrive and the wife/husband honor both of their commitments to raise their kids with commitment.

They don’t belly ache about having less dates, less happy hours, or less money, or less energy.

They are tough and committed and reap the benefits as their kids become successful adults also committed to family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at "fall into the role of Mommy." She is the mommy. If they don't parent, who will? Sounds like Dad isn't doing anything to change the unhealthy part of the dynamic.

Also, of the divorced couples we know, we have no real insight into what was going on in their relationships. I don't think you should assume you know either.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most successful families I know both mom and dad pour all their energy into family/kids. The kids thrive and the wife/husband honor both of their commitments to raise their kids with commitment.

They don’t belly ache about having less dates, less happy hours, or less money, or less energy.

They are tough and committed and reap the benefits as their kids become successful adults also committed to family.

Same. It is really for a rather limited amount of time unless you have a huge family.

Obviously it can be taken to extremes (I have seen both sides of that though- have also seen people farm their kids out far too much/ignore them).

It’s a balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at "fall into the role of Mommy." She is the mommy. If they don't parent, who will? Sounds like Dad isn't doing anything to change the unhealthy part of the dynamic.

Also, of the divorced couples we know, we have no real insight into what was going on in their relationships. I don't think you should assume you know either.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor.

You outed yourself despite trying to write it like you were a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor.

You outed yourself despite trying to write it like you were a woman.

+1 good catch hahahaha

[Anonymous]

This is a common theme among divorced dads.

[Anonymous]

This could go either way..I have seen the over obsessed moms, yes. However, I’ve also seen moms working FT, doing all of the childcare and household stuff, while their DHs do nothing (except whine for more of her attention).

If I were a DH in this situation, I’d be asking myself “what can I take on so that DW has more time for me?”

Now if the answer is “nothing” and if she has more time she will just spend it watching tv- then sure. But I’d make sure that is the case before complaining about my wife neglecting the marriage

[Anonymous]

Did obsessing over the kids kill the marriage or did mom obsess over the kids because the marriage sucked? I have been in the second scenario which we were able to steer out of with therapy and time.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 kids. DH and I are both all in with our kids. We do date nights and have sitters.

I find the couples who drift apart and don’t have kids also divorce.

[Anonymous]

Everyone I know thinks like OP is super focused on self-care and pretty selfish, and their kids end up a mess. You can be a dedicated parent and still maintain a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Reading this, it just seems sad that so many men don’t care about their children.