Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?
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Anonymous
| I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor. |
Anonymous
| Yes to all of this. |
Anonymous
Absolutely true, and I have had several divorced friends admit it. |
Anonymous
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I would say “life happening”.
Nanny collectors have bad marriages often too. |
Anonymous
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I am a divorced dad and one factor in the divorce was I put all my energy into my kids and let the relationship with my wife languish. Cosleeping for years was part of the problem too.
As it is usually better for the kids if parents stay happily married, excessive focus on the kids at the expense of the marriage is ultimately worse for the kids than if you dial down the parenting to an appropriate level. |
Anonymous
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I can't relate to that at all and no absolutely no one in the situation you describe, which makes me think you're trying to blame women in mothering roles, as usual. Both my husband and I prioritize the children, which I believe is totally as it should be. There is also a difference in spoiling kids, versus prioritizing their education and well-being. As always, these are situations where communication is key. Both parents need to communicate. Why blame mothers when clearly you're describing the fantasy image of the maternal wife and uncommunicative, "neglected" husband? I mean, in terms of trolling, you can do better, OP. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like you are only blaming the women?
How about dad step it up? Why can not dad say no kids in bed or set up a date once a month or so? I know plenty of people with help and they get divorced. This is not the whole reason for any of those divorces. Society is not helping any of this, if you out source child care you are a bad mother, if you stay home with your kids you are not a good mother. Women can not win, mostly from other judgemental women. |
Anonymous
| Yes to the OP. It’s sad to watch. The husband becomes a total afterthought to the wife and the kids are the center of the universe. All plans revolve around the children. It’s a terrible dynamic for both the romantic marriage relationship as well as the development of the kids into functioning adults. |
Anonymous
| This definitely can happen and I've seen it plenty of times. In our years with three young children and two careers we both worked hard not to fall into that trap. What really helped me as the mom was that my husband was always very sweet and affectionate when he got home from work with a big hug and a kiss and that always reminded me that I was a loved wife too. We were both very focused on the children, especially me, but somehow we always kept the romance going even if it wasn't on high burn. |
Anonymous
Yeah it's definitely dad's fault when DW goes into hyper-mommy mode. 
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Anonymous
It's certainly his fault if he bails without COMMUNICATING. |
Anonymous
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Yes. Can be pretty obvious to outsiders but the wife tends to be or at least acts oblivious.
If you have young kids and aren’t going on a date night once a month there is a major problem. |
Anonymous
Husbands have 50% of the parenting power. Few males parent-in-the-extreme the way women do. My husband telling me to "back off" was one of the best things. He claimed his 50%. His parenting was different from mine but reasonable. |
Anonymous
| 15-30 minutes of sex once or twice a week cures most of those problems. Yes, it will cut into your Netflix time. |
Anonymous
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Completely true and society supports this, big time.
We fell into this trap, and we still had sex 2x/week, but still had problems. Big ones. |