Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW - she's on the fence and can go either way.

Current baby is 7 months old and we are already exhausted from five wake-ups last night. I can't imagine juggling two kids under the age of 2. Eff that,

C’mon. Having two kids under two is HARD. Most couples don’t want to do this. The ones who do are usually approaching 40 and don’t want to miss out on a second kid.

If you want to keep things relatively easy, wait until the second kid in preschool and waking up at a decent time.

Also you need to sleep train!!! Why are you even tending to a 7 month old 5 times a night? That’s your own choice. Only time you should be doing that is if the baby is ill. Babies that age shouldn’t even eat during the night. Take care of this problem now before it gets worse.

We are in the middle of sleep training. The kid just simply isn't there yet. Some nights are great (8 hours - yes!) and other nights are horrible (5 wake-ups). Last night, baby woke up horribly thirsty - had dry lips and refused to take the pacifier due to lack of saliva.

Like I said, I can't imagine this with two young kids. We are so burned out and already have stressful jobs. A second child will really change our finances, too.

If you think this is hard, you should not have a 2nd but don't try to stop your wife from having more kids. That is where you will go wrong.

Be honest, you thought you could be a father, but quite frankly you are a little soft and you over estimated your ability.

Don't stand in your wife's way of wanting more kids. Don't blame her for your failing at this. Don't have a kid to "keep the marriage'.

Be honest and let her find a life partner who is up for this having kids, being tired, working and being loving and supportive instead of a whiny mess.

This is a truly ridiculous post. Everyone going through sleep training is exhausted and not at their best. Calling a parent soft and a whiny mess because they're complaining about waking up 5 times last night is stupid.

That said, I do see a lot of men who underestimate what parenting will be like. I know more than a handful who were gung-ho to get started on babies, told their wives they wanted 3, 4, 5!!! kids and then were so shocked that it's hard work they wanted to be one-and-done. And none of the families I'm thinking about had special needs or any extreme circumstances. Just, babies are cute, but also a lot of responsibility. Somehow in their imaginings of this huge 8 is Enough lifestyle they glossed over the second half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW - she's on the fence and can go either way.

Current baby is 7 months old and we are already exhausted from five wake-ups last night. I can't imagine juggling two kids under the age of 2. Eff that,

C’mon. Having two kids under two is HARD. Most couples don’t want to do this. The ones who do are usually approaching 40 and don’t want to miss out on a second kid.

If you want to keep things relatively easy, wait until the second kid in preschool and waking up at a decent time.

Also you need to sleep train!!! Why are you even tending to a 7 month old 5 times a night? That’s your own choice. Only time you should be doing that is if the baby is ill. Babies that age shouldn’t even eat during the night. Take care of this problem now before it gets worse.

We are in the middle of sleep training. The kid just simply isn't there yet. Some nights are great (8 hours - yes!) and other nights are horrible (5 wake-ups). Last night, baby woke up horribly thirsty - had dry lips and refused to take the pacifier due to lack of saliva.

Like I said, I can't imagine this with two young kids. We are so burned out and already have stressful jobs. A second child will really change our finances, too.

If you think this is hard, you should not have a 2nd but don't try to stop your wife from having more kids. That is where you will go wrong.

Be honest, you thought you could be a father, but quite frankly you are a little soft and you over estimated your ability.

Don't stand in your wife's way of wanting more kids. Don't blame her for your failing at this. Don't have a kid to "keep the marriage'.

Be honest and let her find a life partner who is up for this having kids, being tired, working and being loving and supportive instead of a whiny mess.

This is a truly ridiculous post. Everyone going through sleep training is exhausted and not at their best. Calling a parent soft and a whiny mess because they're complaining about waking up 5 times last night is stupid.

That said, I do see a lot of men who underestimate what parenting will be like. I know more than a handful who were gung-ho to get started on babies, told their wives they wanted 3, 4, 5!!! kids and then were so shocked that it's hard work they wanted to be one-and-done. And none of the families I'm thinking about had special needs or any extreme circumstances. Just, babies are cute, but also a lot of responsibility. Somehow in their imaginings of this huge 8 is Enough lifestyle they glossed over the second half.

OP here: thank you. That was a truly moronic post.

Love my DW, love my kid. And no, I NEVER asked DW to have a big family. I said "one, maybe two - let's see how it goes." She shared the same sentiments. We are both way too independent for the kind of commitment and responsibility of having 3+ kids. Not our scene, and that's OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's called multi-tasking so you find a way to do that which is important to you. If a good relationship with your spouse is important to you, you will find a way.

Amen!

+ 1000 After all the bitching and moaning this is what it really comes down to. And most women are better at multi-tasking then men. Children can be exhausting but they are not the death knell of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anybody that thinks some women don't do this is kidding themselves. I've had friends refuse to get sitters, refuse to go to parties, tell their spouse they have to stop their hobbies, nag relentless about the house, but refuse getting any help like a cleaning service, and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW - she's on the fence and can go either way.

Current baby is 7 months old and we are already exhausted from five wake-ups last night. I can't imagine juggling two kids under the age of 2. Eff that,

When my older DD was 7 mos old I couldn’t imagine having another kid. When she was 18 mos old it was a completely different story. When I had my second my oldest was 2 years and 4 mos. I knew I was no way having a third kid with the same spacing. By the time my younger DD was 3 I kind of really wanted a third. We decided against it for a number of reasons, including that I didn’t think my DH could give himself over to the chaos that a third kid would inevitably bring. But now my youngest is 8 and I’d say 80-90% of the time I’m glad I don’t have a pre-schooler too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anybody that thinks some women don't do this is kidding themselves. I've had friends refuse to get sitters, refuse to go to parties, tell their spouse they have to stop their hobbies, nag relentless about the house, but refuse getting any help like a cleaning service, and more.

Hmmm. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have cleaning service. I think you are exaggerating.

I’m a SAHM and a I have a PT nanny, housekeeper, lawn people and handyman. I don’t want my DH spending time on random things around the house. When we are all home, it is quality family time. We entertain often. We go out often alone and as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a religious person at all but when we were forced to go to church as kids, I remember sermons that talked about putting your husband first, not your children. I guess it’s all about preservation of the family.

Preservation of the family, huh? I went to a church like this too as a kid...sermons about how wives should be submissive to their husbands, shouldn't let themselves go, etc. etc. It turned out later the minister was sexually abusing very young kids in the parish. While the moms were focusing on their husbands, the preacher was focusing on their children.

[Anonymous]

The only real hard part for me having three very young children is that when my husband gets home from work the kids want daddy time and he wants some quiet time. He’s great one on one with them but when all three are around it is noisy and chaotic which I’m use to and he is not. Sometimes I do wonder how much he likes being a father though I know he does love them.

[Anonymous]

As a little girl I used to watch my mom wake up early, get us 4 kids up, make us a hot breakfast, make 4 hot lunches, drive us to school, come back home and get ready for work. All while my dad sat on the couch sipping his coffee watching as if he was quite entertained by the chaos. As an adult I asked my mom how in the hell did you refrain yourself from hitting him over the head with a 2 x 4 and let him get away with not helping you? She said, honey it was just the way back then. Ugh. Of course I divorced my first DH after we had a child, when I saw the same behavior as my father. But looking back I didn’t work, he worked 60 blue collar hrs a week, and I expected him to help with night feedings etc and I put the baby first, ignoring his needs. I know now, I was quite selfish and a spoiled prima-donna. If I was more mature and smart I would’ve kept my marriage intact by being a more appreciative loving wife. I guess my childhood memories of my parents affected my decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only real hard part for me having three very young children is that when my husband gets home from work the kids want daddy time and he wants some quiet time. He’s great one on one with them but when all three are around it is noisy and chaotic which I’m use to and he is not. Sometimes I do wonder how much he likes being a father though I know he does love them.

Your husband is quite normal hon. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen families out and about with the husbands looking like they want to just jump off a cliff. I always think, how happy are they? Would they rather be single hooping it up at strip clubs, football games etc.. But no, I don’t think they would trade their families for the world!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW - she's on the fence and can go either way.

Current baby is 7 months old and we are already exhausted from five wake-ups last night. I can't imagine juggling two kids under the age of 2. Eff that,

C’mon. Having two kids under two is HARD. Most couples don’t want to do this. The ones who do are usually approaching 40 and don’t want to miss out on a second kid.

If you want to keep things relatively easy, wait until the second kid in preschool and waking up at a decent time.

Also you need to sleep train!!! Why are you even tending to a 7 month old 5 times a night? That’s your own choice. Only time you should be doing that is if the baby is ill. Babies that age shouldn’t even eat during the night. Take care of this problem now before it gets worse.

We are in the middle of sleep training. The kid just simply isn't there yet. Some nights are great (8 hours - yes!) and other nights are horrible (5 wake-ups). Last night, baby woke up horribly thirsty - had dry lips and refused to take the pacifier due to lack of saliva.

Like I said, I can't imagine this with two young kids. We are so burned out and already have stressful jobs. A second child will really change our finances, too.

If you think this is hard, you should not have a 2nd but don't try to stop your wife from having more kids. That is where you will go wrong.

Be honest, you thought you could be a father, but quite frankly you are a little soft and you over estimated your ability.

Don't stand in your wife's way of wanting more kids. Don't blame her for your failing at this. Don't have a kid to "keep the marriage'.

Be honest and let her find a life partner who is up for this having kids, being tired, working and being loving and supportive instead of a whiny mess.

This is a truly ridiculous post. Everyone going through sleep training is exhausted and not at their best. Calling a parent soft and a whiny mess because they're complaining about waking up 5 times last night is stupid.

That said, I do see a lot of men who underestimate what parenting will be like. I know more than a handful who were gung-ho to get started on babies, told their wives they wanted 3, 4, 5!!! kids and then were so shocked that it's hard work they wanted to be one-and-done. And none of the families I'm thinking about had special needs or any extreme circumstances. Just, babies are cute, but also a lot of responsibility. Somehow in their imaginings of this huge 8 is Enough lifestyle they glossed over the second half.

What is ridiculous is "Reading this thread has convinced me to not have another baby. I need to just convince DW "

he did not have a prior agreement to have less kids, he is soft when it comes to raising kids. he did not say, this is harder than I thought but the best thing I have ever done... he said, I am going to convince my wife to have less children.

That is toxic and doomed for failure.

NO not everyone going through sleep training is contemplating telling their spouse NO MORE KIDS.

REally... there are a bunch of weak, whiny people when it comes to raising kids. This post is weak and whiny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only real hard part for me having three very young children is that when my husband gets home from work the kids want daddy time and he wants some quiet time. He’s great one on one with them but when all three are around it is noisy and chaotic which I’m use to and he is not. Sometimes I do wonder how much he likes being a father though I know he does love them.

Your husband is quite normal hon. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen families out and about with the husbands looking like they want to just jump off a cliff. I always think, how happy are they? Would they rather be single hooping it up at strip clubs, football games etc.. But no, I don’t think they would trade their families for the world!

Who cares if it is normal, he needs to suck it up and play with his kids when he gets home from work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We have made it a priority to put our marriage first. We have a 4-month-old baby and are going to trying for a second child soon by the first year. We don't neglect him, but we have done things to benefit our marriage - early bedtime, a schedule, sleeping in his own crib, etc. We are all to spend 1-2 hours together most nights and we do a date night every week. We only go probably 2-3 times a month, but we do a date night in with some take out, wine, and a movie. We have sex most nights or every other day. If sex isn't on the table, I almost always give him oral sex. I think it helps that he is a 50/50 partner in parenting and running the household.

You are the unicorn Mommy.

I’m another mom who parents like this. Child in the nursery from a young age (8 weeks?), quit breastfeeding somewhat early, never miss baby’s nap, sleep trained, weekly date night.

I make sure to leave the house enough that it forces him to do 50/50.

I'm another. And my twins are 6. They slept in their cribs in their room at 4 weeks and they slept from 7-7 at 12 weeks. Not by magic, but by some work (although no crying it out). My husband and I model a healthy relationship because kids see and hear everything. My friends who are in bad relationships are in denial, I think. You should hear the things their kids say when they're out of their parents' earshot.

[Anonymous]

My problem is being forced into picking up slack on the child maintenance in additional to my own half and family functionality, then being expected to change hats within seconds and become a "wife". Maybe if DH didn't dump all this crap on my plate and helped get the kids in bed by a decent time and balancing the mental load, Id be more "wifey" and less "neglectful" of his needs. If I get 15 minutes to myself at the end of the day at home, it't not going to be spend servicing DH. If i have to plan every single date including calling a sitter, it's already too much; I'd rather just stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anybody that thinks some women don't do this is kidding themselves. I've had friends refuse to get sitters, refuse to go to parties, tell their spouse they have to stop their hobbies, nag relentless about the house, but refuse getting any help like a cleaning service, and more.

Hmmm. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have cleaning service. I think you are exaggerating.

I’m a SAHM and a I have a PT nanny, housekeeper, lawn people and handyman. I don’t want my DH spending time on random things around the house. When we are all home, it is quality family time. We entertain often. We go out often alone and as a family.

Sounds just like Scarlet O'Hara's lifestyle.