Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I have seen this scenario over and over- you are likely right.

Often the issue is if mom is available - dad will sit back and let her do everything. Suddenly when he has the kids 50% of the time he seems to manage. I don’t know how this gets during the marriage though- the dad is often resistant.

Sad but true.

We had this phenomenon in our household. If there was ever another adult in the house - nanny, playdate parent, grandparent, wife - the husband would check out. He just assumed someone else was watching the kids or watching for accidents. This resulted in a lot of accidents - doors slammed in 2 to fingers (“but I was talking with my friends a foot away!”3 to followed gramps outside when he reparked the car and almost gets run over, kid walked up the bowling alley lane and had a nasty slip (“but there were other parents there!”), 3 yo falls in pool and sinks to bottom (“But you were right there holding the baby screaming!”).

It won’t get better, there is now a formal Dx. But the kids are older and I now go out a lot for girls dinners, book clubs, gym classes, lectures about 2x a week. He can manage ok, house will be a mess and I’ll have 10 more mins of checking school work or backpacks for the AM. I work FT and have some travel. I refuse to let him off the hook. But I love my own life too, which was the game changer for my sanity, post his Dx.

[Anonymous]

I feel like kids are becoming a death knell for my ten-year marriage but it is, in my humble opinion, because my husband does very little to help with them and puts himself first 99% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are still in the little kid years (ages 1 and 3) and man the kids take up a ton of energy. Obviously, I knew our time would be limited when we had kids but I didn't realize how much physical energy it would consume. We mostly play with the kids at home or outside/playground so not really a lot of activities but even doing what we do there's not a lot of energy left for each other. We're grinding through it as best we can but these little kid years are tough for sure.

Exact same situation here, kids also 1 and 3. We both work full time (and then some) in demanding jobs outside of the home, and we are perpetually exhausted. My husband is an incredibly hands on dad and partner but we definitely lack quality time together. By the time the kids are in bed, the chores are done, and work emails have been wrapped up, we are falling into bed in a dead sleep. I schedule sex to maintain a connection... not exactly romantic but it is what it is right now.

Those ages are incredibly tiring. My youngest is 5.5 and you could not pay me to go back to the years I had kids ages 0-5. Unless I just had one. But multiple children close together for years on end are exhausting. One baby is easy. A baby and a toddler and a preschooler are tough. But now it is so much easier. There are different worries and complications and busy-ness, but I get regular sleep and the kids can do so much more for themselves. It happened very slowly, but then all of the sudden we were there and things became easier.

[Anonymous]

No this is bullshit.

Correlation /= causation as they say.

We focus on our kids - do the things mentioned in your op - and are happily married 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I’m glad things are better now but FYI: most women/moms work FT (and do a disproportionate share of childcare and household stuff too- certainly at least half). The whole “pampered sahm thing” may be common in your social circle but is very atypical in America today.

Calling your ex wife an “ex-pig” makes it very hard to take you seriously BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are still in the little kid years (ages 1 and 3) and man the kids take up a ton of energy. Obviously, I knew our time would be limited when we had kids but I didn't realize how much physical energy it would consume. We mostly play with the kids at home or outside/playground so not really a lot of activities but even doing what we do there's not a lot of energy left for each other. We're grinding through it as best we can but these little kid years are tough for sure.

Exact same situation here, kids also 1 and 3. We both work full time (and then some) in demanding jobs outside of the home, and we are perpetually exhausted. My husband is an incredibly hands on dad and partner but we definitely lack quality time together. By the time the kids are in bed, the chores are done, and work emails have been wrapped up, we are falling into bed in a dead sleep. I schedule sex to maintain a connection... not exactly romantic but it is what it is right now.

Those ages are incredibly tiring. My youngest is 5.5 and you could not pay me to go back to the years I had kids ages 0-5. Unless I just had one. But multiple children close together for years on end are exhausting. One baby is easy. A baby and a toddler and a preschooler are tough. But now it is so much easier. There are different worries and complications and busy-ness, but I get regular sleep and the kids can do so much more for themselves. It happened very slowly, but then all of the sudden we were there and things became easier.

+1

Hang in there, poster with a 1yo & 3yo! I also would not go back to those years for ANYthing- love our kids so much but those years were really hard for us. I noticed a huge improvement when the youngest was around 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I’m glad things are better now but FYI: most women/moms work FT (and do a disproportionate share of childcare and household stuff too- certainly at least half). The whole “pampered sahm thing” may be common in your social circle but is very atypical in America today.

Calling your ex wife an “ex-pig” makes it very hard to take you seriously BTW.

+1

I have also never in my entire life seen a married “dad who does 75%”- even the SAHDs I know do not. But I only know two! Even in families where wife is the breadwinner by a lot (I know many) the dads are doing 50% at best- everything else is hired out (which seems to work well).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Reading this, it just seems sad that so many men don’t care about their children.

Worse: they get jealous, disengage, blame their wife

It’s pathetic.

This, like it is a competition. Sad all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

Nice way to talk about the mother of your kids. What a prize YOU are, talk about being a pig!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor.

What’s the worst is when mothers get obsessed with their little boys. When boys get groomed by their mothers to be entitled — well, we should all know where that can lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No this is bullshit.

Correlation /= causation as they say.

We focus on our kids - do the things mentioned in your op - and are happily married 15 years.

Same, though we’ve only been married 13 years. My parents have 5 kids and very much put the kids first— cosleeping for years, rarely went on date nights when kids were young, never went on vacations without us. They have been happily married for nearly 50 years. Of course it’s important to spend time with one’s spouse, but adults should not be jealous of children.

[Anonymous]

It's called multi-tasking so you find a way to do that which is important to you. If a good relationship with your spouse is important to you, you will find a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

I'm a dad who was doing 75 percent when I was married. Now I have the children half of the time and it feels like I am on vacation. They have clean clothes, dinners, lunches, play dates, summer camps, birthday parties, and all the other stuff the ex claimed she could only uniquely provide. These are all easy to things to do. My ex used to whine endlessly about laundry, but she never did mine and if I volunteered to do the laundry she'd say "You'll just screw it up!"

Things are better now, in a clean house, without the ex-pig around.

Other divorced dad friends of mine have had the same experience. One who never did housework, who thought after divorce he would need a housekeeper and cook to replace his worthless SAHM is now amazed at how easy things like laundry and cooking dinner are. He says, "I wonder what she was doing the other 10 hours of the day?"

I’m glad things are better now but FYI: most women/moms work FT (and do a disproportionate share of childcare and household stuff too- certainly at least half). The whole “pampered sahm thing” may be common in your social circle but is very atypical in America today.

Calling your ex wife an “ex-pig” makes it very hard to take you seriously BTW.

+1

I have also never in my entire life seen a married “dad who does 75%”- even the SAHDs I know do not. But I only know two! Even in families where wife is the breadwinner by a lot (I know many) the dads are doing 50% at best- everything else is hired out (which seems to work well).

My wife is the breadwinner by a lot, and I used to be a SAHD when the kids were little and now work part-time from home. I do at least 75 percent... Almost all the cooking, all the doc/vet visits, all the school carpool runs, all the grocery shopping, all the early dismissal/snow day logistics. DW does the laundry. Dads who can handle it actually exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's called multi-tasking so you find a way to do that which is important to you. If a good relationship with your spouse is important to you, you will find a way.

Amen!