Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's bizarre so many women on here are defending this hyper-mommying role that so often kills marriages. We're not talking about ignoring kids and letting them watch tv for 12 hours a day. We're talking about not letting them sleep in bed with you until they're 10. Or leaving them with a sitter once a month. So that you can prioritize your marriage sometimes.

Ok, the DH can call the sitter and figure out sleep training if he doesn't like the situation. Be our guest!!

+1 So, we women can do the lion's share of the actual housework and childwork, plus hold down full time jobs, plus figure out the timing of date nights and the logistics of sleeping, AND be sexually available every moment?

All for what? The privilege of being married to a manchild who pouts, or even cheats, if we don't perform every element above perfectly? No, thanks.

Who is making you do
everything? Your spouse has put a gun to your head and sis do all of the housework, planning and childcare?

More likely, you didn’t learn how to get a man to coparent! There are many methods but one is just leaving the house and not doing things for them.

right, more work for women - learn how to get a man to coparent, and get him to do so.

[Anonymous]

In most opposite-sex marriages where neither partner has been divorced, the two partners become parents at the very same moment.

But somehow it is the women who are supposed to "teach" the men to coparent. In addition to recovering from childbirth/major surgery, we are supposed to coax our men into participating. And if we don't? Well, that's our fault too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's bizarre so many women on here are defending this hyper-mommying role that so often kills marriages. We're not talking about ignoring kids and letting them watch tv for 12 hours a day. We're talking about not letting them sleep in bed with you until they're 10. Or leaving them with a sitter once a month. So that you can prioritize your marriage sometimes.

Ok, the DH can call the sitter and figure out sleep training if he doesn't like the situation. Be our guest!!

+1 So, we women can do the lion's share of the actual housework and childwork, plus hold down full time jobs, plus figure out the timing of date nights and the logistics of sleeping, AND be sexually available every moment?

All for what? The privilege of being married to a manchild who pouts, or even cheats, if we don't perform every element above perfectly? No, thanks.

Who is making you do
everything? Your spouse has put a gun to your head and sis do all of the housework, planning and childcare?

More likely, you didn’t learn how to get a man to coparent! There are many methods but one is just leaving the house and not doing things for them.

right, more work for women - learn how to get a man to coparent, and get him to do so.

There’s that attitude that has resulted in your husband not stepping up!

Should women have to make a man coparent? Of course not. But the alternative is WAY worse - doing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In most opposite-sex marriages where neither partner has been divorced, the two partners become parents at the very same moment.

But somehow it is the women who are supposed to "teach" the men to coparent. In addition to recovering from childbirth/major surgery, we are supposed to coax our men into participating. And if we don't? Well, that's our fault too.

You’re so clueless about how to get a man to be your partner that you’re running wild with my comment to “teach” a man to coparent. Does your husband do 50 percent of the housework and childcare? Because mine does. So maybe you should stop making fun of my comment and listen instead.

You know how you teach a man to coparent? You leave the house. You get a life. Make plans with friends, have a career, prioritize your health and happiness. You basically live like a man. At the most, you sit down with a list of what needs to be done on a daily/monthly/annual basis (doctors for kids, kids clothing, thank you notes, holiday presents etc) and you figure out who is going to do what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is engaged to a woman who has a small child. She sleeps with her child every night because the child “won’t sleep alone.” The child also goes to dinner with them and sleeps in the stroller so they can eat at 10pm. She doesn’t “trust” babysitters. It’s insane. Recipe for disaster.

Wow. I don't think they will have that much of a future. Why do women like this get married? They are turning their child into their partner. It's weird.

The co-dependency is bananas. The kid also throws a fit every morning before daycare/preschool and refuses to go.

I feel sorry for the fiancé but at the same time she created this. The kid’s dad lives close by and they have “family dinner” a few times a week but she won’t let the kid stay with the dad overnight. At this point I think it’s more about her than the kid not being able to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In most opposite-sex marriages where neither partner has been divorced, the two partners become parents at the very same moment.

But somehow it is the women who are supposed to "teach" the men to coparent. In addition to recovering from childbirth/major surgery, we are supposed to coax our men into participating. And if we don't? Well, that's our fault too.

I disagree- at least in my case. I remember driving home from the hospital with our first and my husband said "well, this is new" and I said "for me too." We were pretty clueless as all new parents are but we knew we were in it together. He was the one to teach me that you don't change a little boy's diaper without covering up his penis or you will get a shot in the eye. After that I had a couple of girls!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor.

What’s the husband/ father doing during all of these above examples? Sounds disengaged right out of the gate instead of leading the family and instilling values, common sense and discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's bizarre so many women on here are defending this hyper-mommying role that so often kills marriages. We're not talking about ignoring kids and letting them watch tv for 12 hours a day. We're talking about not letting them sleep in bed with you until they're 10. Or leaving them with a sitter once a month. So that you can prioritize your marriage sometimes.

I think for some they have been hyper-mommy for so many years their DHs checked out years ago and it’s all they have left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We have made it a priority to put our marriage first. We have a 4-month-old baby and are going to trying for a second child soon by the first year. We don't neglect him, but we have done things to benefit our marriage - early bedtime, a schedule, sleeping in his own crib, etc. We are all to spend 1-2 hours together most nights and we do a date night every week. We only go probably 2-3 times a month, but we do a date night in with some take out, wine, and a movie. We have sex most nights or every other day. If sex isn't on the table, I almost always give him oral sex. I think it helps that he is a 50/50 partner in parenting and running the household.

You are the unicorn Mommy.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a religious person at all but when we were forced to go to church as kids, I remember sermons that talked about putting your husband first, not your children. I guess it’s all about preservation of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We have made it a priority to put our marriage first. We have a 4-month-old baby and are going to trying for a second child soon by the first year. We don't neglect him, but we have done things to benefit our marriage - early bedtime, a schedule, sleeping in his own crib, etc. We are all to spend 1-2 hours together most nights and we do a date night every week. We only go probably 2-3 times a month, but we do a date night in with some take out, wine, and a movie. We have sex most nights or every other day. If sex isn't on the table, I almost always give him oral sex. I think it helps that he is a 50/50 partner in parenting and running the household.

You are the unicorn Mommy.

I’m another mom who parents like this. Child in the nursery from a young age (8 weeks?), quit breastfeeding somewhat early, never miss baby’s nap, sleep trained, weekly date night.

I make sure to leave the house enough that it forces him to do 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a common theme among divorced dads.

Workaholic victims of their wives running the entire household, child raising, family schedule etc herself once she realized she can’t count on her spouse for much of anything.

The irony is many of these Dads seem to make it work with 50% custody.

I have a friend considering divorce now. Her husband doesn’t do anything. I don’t have the heart to explain to her that her normal college educated husband is most likely going to start parenting once he had the kids 50% of the time. All of a sudden the kids will be clothed, they will have dinners to eat, driven around etc when they are with dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is engaged to a woman who has a small child. She sleeps with her child every night because the child “won’t sleep alone.” The child also goes to dinner with them and sleeps in the stroller so they can eat at 10pm. She doesn’t “trust” babysitters. It’s insane. Recipe for disaster.

Wow. I don't think they will have that much of a future. Why do women like this get married? They are turning their child into their partner. It's weird.

The co-dependency is bananas. The kid also throws a fit every morning before daycare/preschool and refuses to go.

I feel sorry for the fiancé but at the same time she created this. The kid’s dad lives close by and they have “family dinner” a few times a week but she won’t let the kid stay with the dad overnight. At this point I think it’s more about her than the kid not being able to handle it.

The fiancé is enabling. I would refuse to go to dinner with someone who couldn’t hire a babysitter.