So upset I'm shaking - DH wayward dad asked us for money...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of it in your DH shoes. He grew up without his father and he wants to have at least a relationship with his father. We only get one father in this lifetime so maybe he’s doing what he can to maintain a decent relationship. People do change.

They don’t, not usually.

OP, I am with you. Money should never be flowing from child to parent, unless that child is like Elon Musk or a famous athlete/musician, etc., whose parents’ support and guidance made their success possible. This “dad” deserves nothing.

That said, let DH give him this one time gift. Make sure he understands that you see this as a one-time gift that you can support. What you can’t support, and what you worry about, is becoming financially entangled on a permanent basis, and you see that as endangering the security of your family’s finances.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have baggage with my family and think you are completely out of line. It is your husband’s right to choose how he wants to live his life and what he needs to heal. You have no idea what it is like. None. And here you are being a drama queen over $500.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the input. DH is going to do this as a one-time thing. However, I suggested he pay the auto shop directly and he refused.
I guess I need to stay out of it. My real fear is what another poster said - that we become entangled in his dad's wayward finances. I told DH that he needs to make it really clear that this is a one-off.
I'm so mad at his father for putting him in this position. He has NEVER been there for DH - DH calls him a "leech".

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. You’re justifiably upset that this will lead to more and more requests. Which it will. People who don’t have deadbeat relatives don’t understand this. Lucky for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the input. DH is going to do this as a one-time thing. However, I suggested he pay the auto shop directly and he refused.
I guess I need to stay out of it. My real fear is what another poster said - that we become entangled in his dad's wayward finances. I told DH that he needs to make it really clear that this is a one-off.
I'm so mad at his father for putting him in this position. He has NEVER been there for DH - DH calls him a "leech".

Your fears are well-founded. All you can do at this point is hope dead-beat leech of a "father" doesn't come back for more, and if he does that DH will stand his ground and refuse.

At this point you have to let it go, and just be glad it wasn't $5K, instead of $500

[Anonymous]

Word to the wise, your husband will give money next time and not tell you about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the input. DH is going to do this as a one-time thing. However, I suggested he pay the auto shop directly and he refused.
I guess I need to stay out of it. My real fear is what another poster said - that we become entangled in his dad's wayward finances. I told DH that he needs to make it really clear that this is a one-off.
I'm so mad at his father for putting him in this position. He has NEVER been there for DH - DH calls him a "leech".

You should take your own advice here. It’s his relationship with his father, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the input. DH is going to do this as a one-time thing. However, I suggested he pay the auto shop directly and he refused.
I guess I need to stay out of it. My real fear is what another poster said - that we become entangled in his dad's wayward finances. I told DH that he needs to make it really clear that this is a one-off.
I'm so mad at his father for putting him in this position. He has NEVER been there for DH - DH calls him a "leech".

You should take your own advice here. It’s his relationship with his father, not yours.

But it's THEIR money.

[Anonymous]

OP is using DH father's absence in childhood as a red herring. That isn't the real reason she doesn't want him to give money. It is merely a plausible excuse. OP simply doesn't want 500 going somewhere outside her household.

She is incredibly angry to the point of "shaking." That is overly dramatic. Her DH's father wasn't absent on her and hasn't done anything to her that she has any rational reason for being upset about.

OP, just admit that you simply don't want your DH to share the money he earns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is using DH father's absence in childhood as a red herring. That isn't the real reason she doesn't want him to give money. It is merely a plausible excuse. OP simply doesn't want 500 going somewhere outside her household.

She is incredibly angry to the point of "shaking." That is overly dramatic. Her DH's father wasn't absent on her and hasn't done anything to her that she has any rational reason for being upset about.

OP, just admit that you simply don't want your DH to share the money he earns.

A "red herring"? Who are you, Miss Marple?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is using DH father's absence in childhood as a red herring. That isn't the real reason she doesn't want him to give money. It is merely a plausible excuse. OP simply doesn't want 500 going somewhere outside her household.

She is incredibly angry to the point of "shaking." That is overly dramatic. Her DH's father wasn't absent on her and hasn't done anything to her that she has any rational reason for being upset about.

OP, just admit that you simply don't want your DH to share the money he earns.

Why should it go outside the household to someone who is going to fritter it away and has never shown up?

[Anonymous]

Y'all ain't seeing that money again, but I'm sure everyone knows that.

And y'all know that FIL's gonna be back asking for money. If he's told no there's gonna be some guilt tripping.

If he decides/you agree to giving the money, pay the mechanic directly. If it's some random Joe who's not even a garage mechanic, run. There ain't no car problem.

There's also a more than decent chance that FIL owes money to some folks who don't take credit cards or personal checks (in addition to the actual debt that the mechanic owes.) And by some folks, I mean some friends of Walter, Tony, or Marlo.

Your husband is dealing with all sorts of feelings. Thing is, you shouldn't make it all about your feelings -- but your feelings still matter. I'd ask him to hold back on a similar purchase of $500 or so (e.g. a couple of new golf clubs, some new optional clothes, etc.) It's just play money but on something other than a "toy for him." I may also ask to have more control over the FIL's finances; that might scare him off.

If there's repeated funnelings of $$$$ to the FIL that is another issue entirely and you will need to take steps to protect yourself and the kids from irresponsible spending DH.

Poster who said this is like an old injury causing a $500 bill made a good point. Would you be this upset over a flat tire, a foot injury, etc.?

TBH, I'm more than a little worried that he refuses to pay the mechanic directly. Why on earth would he refuse to do that?

[Anonymous]

If you & DH decide to spend any money on FIL, now or in the future, pay it directly to the vendor. Do not EVER give FIL money.

I personally would not support my DH in paying for his father’s car if the guy was as you describe him. But the key thing to remember is that if DH gives in now, it is the start of a long road where FIL will ask for financial support on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Got some more info out of DH.
The car is broken and because of this, wife can't get to work.
She is already contemplating leaving him and this will be the "last straw."
DH fears that without wife on scene, his father will spiral downward further, possibly die or do something drastic, and he'll be to blame for refusing him money.

I...don't know what to say. If we refuse him money, his blood is on our hands?

DH insists he will make clear it's a one time thing. I told DH that it's not like his dad is getting any saner or younger (or richer), but he won't hear it. He assured me this is the only time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got some more info out of DH.
The car is broken and because of this, wife can't get to work.
She is already contemplating leaving him and this will be the "last straw."
DH fears that without wife on scene, his father will spiral downward further, possibly die or do something drastic, and he'll be to blame for refusing him money.

I...don't know what to say. If we refuse him money, his blood is on our hands?

DH insists he will make clear it's a one time thing. I told DH that it's not like his dad is getting any saner or younger (or richer), but he won't hear it. He assured me this is the only time.

You should let your husband do what he feels is right. Be by his side, but don’t control or force the situation.

It’s a hard place for him to be in. But you got to let him figure it out.

You both know it’s not about the money. It’s about trying to salvage a relationship with his father. That’s hard on any man.