So upset I'm shaking - DH wayward dad asked us for money...

[Anonymous]

Give the money. Show your husband you care about him.

[Anonymous]

He has one dad. So what if he/you support him. Life is to short to be petty.

[Anonymous]

This is your DH's issue to navigate, and at your HHI it is not about the money. Try to be as supportive as you can be. There are many of us providing financial support to parents (or extensive caregiving support) where $500 is really nothing. It's about your judgment about what this man deserves or doesn't deserve. But the real issue is what your husband feels is best for him to do to manage and/or bring closure to a longstanding difficult formative relationship. Support him in doing that. This is not about you, and it's not about your jerk of a FIL. It's about your DH and what is best for him.

[Anonymous]

Op, personally, you are in the right. Nevertheless can you break the actions in to near term and long term?

In the near term, let him make the decision but only after you have had a chance to discuss clearly what to do next time. I mean this is joint money that can be used for other things. Also, he hasn’t to figure out explicitly how he will navigate his own feelings next time so that it doesn’t fall on you.

Doing the right thing has put you in a terrible situation and he shouldn’t do that next time.

[Anonymous]

Treat this like anything from his past that might cause him to spend $500 bucks now. An old injury that needs treatment, a past debt, etc...

[Anonymous]

My concern is that now that you’ve made such a big deal out of this, DH will dig his heels deeper and not push back on his father’s requests. He knows his father is a user, but instead of having a supportive wife who will allow him to decide when to say no, he now has two battles to contend with.
If there are any future request it will be easier to just hide the fact that he’s giving money to his father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My concern is that now that you’ve made such a big deal out of this, DH will dig his heels deeper and not push back on his father’s requests. He knows his father is a user, but instead of having a supportive wife who will allow him to decide when to say no, he now has two battles to contend with.
If there are any future request it will be easier to just hide the fact that he’s giving money to his father.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

What’s the point? To make your DH feel even worse? “Let” DH give him the money.

THIS. Just let it happen. You can exercise control if it gets out of control. Let him have this.

[Anonymous]

My DH has a terrible family history, his birth parents actually lost custody of him as a child for abuse and neglect. At different points in our 20 year marriage he has tried to help them and then has decided to shut them out for years at a time for his own sanity. My only regret in my role in this is the time when I got involved in managing their relationship early in our marriage, and it caused real hurt between us. My DH has little support from his birth family but can always count on me and our kids to be in his corner, if he wanted to give $500 to his parents and we could afford it I would say yes.

[Anonymous]

Why are you shaking over this?

[Anonymous]

OP- this is not about you.

[Anonymous]

Your poor husband deadbeat Dad and a wife who is a Peach

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you're more upset about the request than your DH is. It's his father. I think you need to take a day or two to calm down.

This.

[Anonymous]

I’m the OP, and nowhere did I say I made 550k!

[Anonymous]

Think of it in your DH shoes. He grew up without his father and he wants to have at least a relationship with his father. We only get one father in this lifetime so maybe he’s doing what he can to maintain a decent relationship. People do change.