So upset I'm shaking - DH wayward dad asked us for money...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got some more info out of DH.
The car is broken and because of this, wife can't get to work.
She is already contemplating leaving him and this will be the "last straw."
DH fears that without wife on scene, his father will spiral downward further, possibly die or do something drastic, and he'll be to blame for refusing him money.

I...don't know what to say. If we refuse him money, his blood is on our hands?

DH insists he will make clear it's a one time thing. I told DH that it's not like his dad is getting any saner or younger (or richer), but he won't hear it. He assured me this is the only time.

OK, so the next time there is an "emergency", and it's the "last straw", what then? Sounds to me like your DH is being an enabler. Your FIL clearly has issues if this is his third marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got some more info out of DH.
The car is broken and because of this, wife can't get to work.
She is already contemplating leaving him and this will be the "last straw."
DH fears that without wife on scene, his father will spiral downward further, possibly die or do something drastic, and he'll be to blame for refusing him money.

I...don't know what to say. If we refuse him money, his blood is on our hands?

DH insists he will make clear it's a one time thing. I told DH that it's not like his dad is getting any saner or younger (or richer), but he won't hear it. He assured me this is the only time.

You are too dramatic.

+1. All the drama for $500?

[Anonymous]

Let DH decide.

[Anonymous]

First, I think many people on this board nee to remember that $500 may means more in some households than others.

OP, I sympathize. We went down this road and thousands were wasted before my husband learned that his father had not changed and was taking advantage of him/us. It is a hard lesson to learn and like you, I resisted the first time (and second, and third). It caused problems until DH woke up, got therapy, and worked through his feelings about his father. The therapist helped him learn with healthy boundaries look like in a relationship, and helped DH feel comfortable saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your dh's relationship, not yours. If you can afford the money, you need to step back and let your dh handle it. Once *you* calm down, you need to calmly discuss with dh a maximum you are willing to give his dad.

+1 Let your DH handle it but make it clear that he is setting a precedent and that they will come back for more and when they do you are drawing a line in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, why exactly are you shaking??

I had a very problematic, alcoholic father. Still, i helped him financially to make sure he wasn't on the streets, had a place to live, food, erc.


My spouse, who is not a shrieking drama queen like OP, agreed it was common decency.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your dh's relationship, not yours. If you can afford the money, you need to step back and let your dh handle it. Once *you* calm down, you need to calmly discuss with dh a maximum you are willing to give his dad.

+1 Let your DH handle it but make it clear that he is setting a precedent and that they will come back for more and when they do you are drawing a line in the sand.

PP with alcoholic father here. DH and myself had this "line in the sand": Dad needed to be safe. So we weren't paying for weddings or trips or booze. but we helped him get his car fixed. We bought him groceries. We bought him a condo in Florida and furnished it with Salvation Army furniture, a $100 bed and and a dresser from the side of the road. We arranged for Meals on Wheels. When he got too sick to live alone, we found him an assisted living facility that he could afford on his veteran's benefits, which we helped him apply for. When he got cancer, we drove him to chemo. When he decided to forego treatment, we arranged hospice.

OP's problem is now she's an EXTRA BURDEN for her DH. He already has his crazy dad to deal with, and now he has an out-of-control wife who is "shaking" with rage over a fairly limited amount of money. So he's caught between a rock and a hard place. So much for being a supportive spouse and having your spouse's back.

When we sold the condo, we doubled our money. See how that can work if you are calm, think things through and have standards?

Signed, good daughter for 83 years and good wife of 35 years

[Anonymous]

^^^^^
Also, I meant + 1 to the first line in the sand poster,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I think many people on this board nee to remember that $500 may means more in some households than others.

OP, I sympathize. We went down this road and thousands were wasted before my husband learned that his father had not changed and was taking advantage of him/us. It is a hard lesson to learn and like you, I resisted the first time (and second, and third). It caused problems until DH woke up, got therapy, and worked through his feelings about his father. The therapist helped him learn with healthy boundaries look like in a relationship, and helped DH feel comfortable saying no.

This. It's really not about the money, folks. It's the boundaries and enablement.

[Anonymous]

DH has a dead beat dad. We fully expect that one day he will hit us up for money. He is your dh’s dad. I would give it to him if it didn’t break your bank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your dh's relationship, not yours. If you can afford the money, you need to step back and let your dh handle it. Once *you* calm down, you need to calmly discuss with dh a maximum you are willing to give his dad.

+1 Let your DH handle it but make it clear that he is setting a precedent and that they will come back for more and when they do you are drawing a line in the sand.

PP with alcoholic father here. DH and myself had this "line in the sand": Dad needed to be safe. So we weren't paying for weddings or trips or booze. but we helped him get his car fixed. We bought him groceries. We bought him a condo in Florida and furnished it with Salvation Army furniture, a $100 bed and and a dresser from the side of the road. We arranged for Meals on Wheels. When he got too sick to live alone, we found him an assisted living facility that he could afford on his veteran's benefits, which we helped him apply for. When he got cancer, we drove him to chemo. When he decided to forego treatment, we arranged hospice.

OP's problem is now she's an EXTRA BURDEN for her DH. He already has his crazy dad to deal with, and now he has an out-of-control wife who is "shaking" with rage over a fairly limited amount of money. So he's caught between a rock and a hard place. So much for being a supportive spouse and having your spouse's back.

When we sold the condo, we doubled our money. See how that can work if you are calm, think things through and have standards?

Signed, good daughter for 83 years and good wife of 35 years

There's nothing "out of control" about setting boundaries. Also, you're 83?

[Anonymous]

OP, your comments about your father-in-law's wife are just... odd. They seem snide to me. I can't understand why you feel so mean towards a woman married to an old man. It's odd to me.

As for you being so upset that you're shaking with rage, I do understand that. I don't want my peace disturbed, nor do I want to be shouted at especially by my husband. You have every right to be upset, though your strong reaction makes me wonder if this isn't the first time your husband has been the go to guy for people needing money.

I'm also troubled by your husband's refusing to pay the mechanic directly, and that the request for money was made to him, not to you both as a couple. Also, the request was done verbally not over text. Given all this, combined with your husband's reaction, I'd ask myself the following. Is this the first time your husband has been asked for money either by his father or by anybody else? Given his reaction to you, is it possible he is complicit in whatever is going on? Is the rage you feel normal for you? If it isn't, what's causing it?

To the people saying it's only money, of course it is. My house is also only wood, yet I'm not about to use it for kindling. For me, I'd be more upset at the disturbance of my day, the fight with the husband, the shadiness of the husband, and the simple fact that I wouldn't want that $$ amount going out of my house when I got no pleasure from the experience. I also wouldn't want to set myself or my husband up as the "go to" person for the next time money was needed.


To the people comparing this to a flat tire or injury, this is very different. An injury and a flat tire fall under the catigory of bad luck. They can also be dealt with by seeking out reputable vendors. The op would get some pleasure out of a functioning car, or a husband who was not in pain. The op gets nothing from paying off the father-in-law's debt.

If the husband was a boyfriend and not finantially linked to the op, I'd say it's up to him and the op should stay out of it. If the op didn't live with said boyfriend I'd tell her to stay out of it, and to use this experience as a decision about wether or not to continue dating.


Given that this is a marriage, their finances and housing are entwined. OP's physical safety and that of her children may be at risk as people who hit up other people for money are not in a good place. Extreme stress makes people do strange things. OP's first duty is to protect her children and herself.

Seriously think if you want to end the marriage. If you do, you have every right to say so. Frame saying no to the money request as a physical safety and mental health issue. The father-in-law may need help, but OP needs finantial, emotional and physical security too, something she won't get if the behavior of her husband continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got some more info out of DH.
The car is broken and because of this, wife can't get to work.
She is already contemplating leaving him and this will be the "last straw."
DH fears that without wife on scene, his father will spiral downward further, possibly die or do something drastic, and he'll be to blame for refusing him money.

I...don't know what to say. If we refuse him money, his blood is on our hands?

DH insists he will make clear it's a one time thing. I told DH that it's not like his dad is getting any saner or younger (or richer), but he won't hear it. He assured me this is the only time.

OP, this sounds like blackmail to me. What is to prevent the wife from using that tactic again? What happens next time your husband hears something similar or something health related? As another poster noted. What’s to prevent him from taking out the money without informing you? If husband’s mindset isn’t addressed, you will be in the same situation again. Is there a mother in law who could talk to your husband about this that he might listen to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, why exactly are you shaking??

I had a very problematic, alcoholic father. Still, i helped him financially to make sure he wasn't on the streets, had a place to live, food, erc.


My spouse, who is not a shrieking drama queen like OP, agreed it was common decency.

+1

Your comments make you seem like a shrieking drama queen. OP has a genuine concern about boundaries, past behavior etc. I definitely get her concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your dh's relationship, not yours. If you can afford the money, you need to step back and let your dh handle it. Once *you* calm down, you need to calmly discuss with dh a maximum you are willing to give his dad.

+1 Let your DH handle it but make it clear that he is setting a precedent and that they will come back for more and when they do you are drawing a line in the sand.

PP with alcoholic father here. DH and myself had this "line in the sand": Dad needed to be safe. So we weren't paying for weddings or trips or booze. but we helped him get his car fixed. We bought him groceries. We bought him a condo in Florida and furnished it with Salvation Army furniture, a $100 bed and and a dresser from the side of the road. We arranged for Meals on Wheels. When he got too sick to live alone, we found him an assisted living facility that he could afford on his veteran's benefits, which we helped him apply for. When he got cancer, we drove him to chemo. When he decided to forego treatment, we arranged hospice.

OP's problem is now she's an EXTRA BURDEN for her DH. He already has his crazy dad to deal with, and now he has an out-of-control wife who is "shaking" with rage over a fairly limited amount of money. So he's caught between a rock and a hard place. So much for being a supportive spouse and having your spouse's back.

When we sold the condo, we doubled our money. See how that can work if you are calm, think things through and have standards?

Signed, good daughter for 83 years and good wife of 35 years

There's nothing "out of control" about setting boundaries. Also, you're 83?

Ha! Good point. I was a good daughter for almost 50 years.