So upset I'm shaking - DH wayward dad asked us for money...

[Anonymous]

DH's father walked out when he was a teen to take up with a woman across the country and relinquished custodial rights.
DH saw him on vacations, et cetera, and basically his dad went from normal to a total deadbeat. Didn't pay child support. Mom could have taken him to jail but out of the kindness of her heart never did.
He is now living closer by again and has health issues. DH's sister refuses to speak to him due to all their baggage. DH sees him every now and then, talks on the phone to him, he will occasionally send our kids a card with some money. He is married for the third time to a woman with issues. She thought she was marrying into a happy family - ha! They asked all of his three children to pay for his wedding. We all refused.

She sent me a weird message last week about how depressed he is. Not sure how reliable she is. Well today he called DH while he was doing daycare pickup and asked for $500 to fix his car. I guess because the car is busted his wife can't go to work and they now have no money again.

DH came to me sheepishly asking if we could give his dad the money. My blood is boiling. This is a man who has done nothing for DH since he was 16.
I said no. Now DH is shouting at me saying I don't understand the position I'm putting him in. (Me! Not his deadbeat dad!) DH has never stepped in to talk to his dad about his health or life but is OK handing him over money (doesn't need to confront him). I think his dad made his bed and this sets a horrible precedent. But now I feel terrible that DH is upset. WWYD? Fork over money to deadbeat dad? Ugh ugh ugh.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to explore why he still wants to have a relationship with his father, why he feels like he cannot refuse help, and whether he realizes that if he goes down that road, there will be many more demands later on.

[Anonymous]

First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you're more upset about the request than your DH is. It's his father. I think you need to take a day or two to calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

[Anonymous]

Is $500 a budget buster for you? If you guys can afford it, I’d let dh decide if he wants to do it or not. Your anger at him being a deadbeat dad is anger on behalf of your dh, but at the same time you’re taking the decision away from your dh. I wouldn’t do that.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. That's all very horrible and not fair to your family.

If you do have a change of heart and decide to help (not saying you should) have your DH go with him to car shop and get estimate and pay the shop directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

What’s the point? To make your DH feel even worse? “Let” DH give him the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

It’s an important part. It’s your dh’s relationship to manage, not yours. If you guys can afford it, you need to let your dh make the decision. Do not make the decision for him.

[Anonymous]

It's your dh's relationship, not yours. If you can afford the money, you need to step back and let your dh handle it. Once *you* calm down, you need to calmly discuss with dh a maximum you are willing to give his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

What’s the point? To make your DH feel even worse? “Let” DH give him the money.

Of course not. Ugh... But this is a person who has treated DH absently for years and now comes to him with his hand out. It's money that could go to our kids' summer camp or a tutor or who knows what.
Will it break our budget, no. He has no business asking for this money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

What’s the point? To make your DH feel even worse? “Let” DH give him the money.

Of course not. Ugh... But this is a person who has treated DH absently for years and now comes to him with his hand out. It's money that could go to our kids' summer camp or a tutor or who knows what.
Will it break our budget, no. He has no business asking for this money.

Let your dh make the decision. It’s not okay to let your anger supersede his own.

[Anonymous]

I don't think a flat out no was the right answer given all the emotional baggage. Better that he makes the decision and you support him. You can provide some input and give him points to ponder but he needs to make this call. Now if this money is going to mean you can't pay your bills - that is different.

[Anonymous]

When your spouse has a f&$cked up parent situation you should just be always on your DH’s team and as supportive as possible. If the $500 bucks won’t mess up your month, tell him it’s his decision and you support him either way.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it then I would support your DH. I totally understand how you feel as you love your DH and could not imagine anyone hurting him but this is his father and he clearly wants to do it. I would but also have a conversation about how to handle this the next time it comes.

This caught you both off guard. You’re reaction is normal. Parent/child relationships can never be truly understood by anyone but them. Both good and bad ones have bonds that only they experience.