So upset I'm shaking - DH wayward dad asked us for money...

[Anonymous]

DH should ask dad why he should give him the money. Are the other siblings getting involved?

[Anonymous]

Slightly different situation, but I had a partner whose dad did a similar thing- no child support, wasted his money on a plane and a porsche while his kid dropped out of high school to work and help make ends meet. Dad got back in touch when he was broke and living with his own mom while living with end-stage cancer.

my partner was also out of work, but wanted to try and make that connection. Basically, I decided my role was to hold the anger for them, which allowed them to put their own anger aside and make the connections that they could in the time left. I gave them the $500, and didn't regret it for a minute.

otoh, yes, the financial commitment was very obviously time-bounded what with fatal cancer and all. but it helped my partner to be in the position to make their own decision about whether to give or withhold help.

it might help your spouse to establish adulthood in relationship to his father. It doesn't have to be a slippery slope.

I think therapy for your spouse would be a good thing, tho.

[Anonymous]

No. Do not give him the money. He is a deadbeat and a user.

[Anonymous]

I'm team OP. Don't give the money. It's the first step to many more requests. If your DH wants a relationship, don't tie it to finances. His father should be a father first, THEN ask for money if warranted. Hold fast OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HHI OP?

would you please stop it already. She's not going to give you the info you 12 year old! go finish your homework...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm team OP. Don't give the money. It's the first step to many more requests. If your DH wants a relationship, don't tie it to finances. His father should be a father first, THEN ask for money if warranted. Hold fast OP!

That’s not op’s decision to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is $500 a budget buster for you? If you guys can afford it, I’d let dh decide if he wants to do it or not. Your anger at him being a deadbeat dad is anger on behalf of your dh, but at the same time you’re taking the decision away from your dh. I wouldn’t do that.

But...while $500 might not break the budget, future asks could. This is the first ask (second if you count the wedding request), it won't be the last. How willing is your DH going to be to say No in the future if its for $2,000? $5,000? $10,000?

You need to know that before agreeing to $500.

It is very possible to make different decisions for subsequent requests. No one is signing in blood that if he gives him money once, he must forever give him money upon any request. I have absolutely given people money and haven't fallen victim to the slippery slope.

You’re right - but were those emotional decisions, or thoughtfully made? It sounds to me like OPs husband is making an emotional decision - because it’s a car, so wife can work, blah blah. Whose to say future decisions won’t be made in the same way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

What’s the point? To make your DH feel even worse? “Let” DH give him the money.

This. I really don’t see how this affects you, op. The guy has never done anything to you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't give him money...it will just be the start of asking for more and more. BUT your DH wants to and so it may be best to have FIL take the car in and DH pay the shop directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

That is part of the point, actually. Help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you could afford it, you should give the money. Asking your kids for money is its own punishment. Obviously if he could do better (in life) he would.

did you not read OP's initial post?

He walked out on his family!!! he didn't pay child support!!! he remarried!!!

your comment shows warped thinking.

And if her dh refused to give him money because of that, it would make perfect sense and this board would be supportive. But that’s the dh’s decision to make, not op’s.

No, it's not, and her DH obviously feels the same way since he ASKED HER if he could give him the money, and if they share finances, even more so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

That is part of the point, actually. Help him.

No, that's not the point why OP is upset about it.

[Anonymous]

This is not about DH’s relationship with his dad. It’s about your relationship with your DH. Ask the wife for a copy of the car repair estimate and pay it.

[Anonymous]

So, he couldn't take care of his own children, and now he can't take care of his 3rd wife, and so he seeks help from the person whom he abandoned as a child, and some of you can't see why this is upsetting? OP is upset because she sees this deadbeat preying on her DH's insecurities and taking advantage of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give him money...it will just be the start of asking for more and more. BUT your DH wants to and so it may be best to have FIL take the car in and DH pay the shop directly.

This is my advice too. Divorce will cost way more than $500.

Fair is what's best for everyone op.