So upset I'm shaking - DH wayward dad asked us for money...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got some more info out of DH.
The car is broken and because of this, wife can't get to work.
She is already contemplating leaving him and this will be the "last straw."
DH fears that without wife on scene, his father will spiral downward further, possibly die or do something drastic, and he'll be to blame for refusing him money.

I...don't know what to say. If we refuse him money, his blood is on our hands?

DH insists he will make clear it's a one time thing. I told DH that it's not like his dad is getting any saner or younger (or richer), but he won't hear it. He assured me this is the only time.

She's going to leave anyway. No matter what your DH does.

[Anonymous]

but ... why wouldn't he pay the mechanic directly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got some more info out of DH.
The car is broken and because of this, wife can't get to work.
She is already contemplating leaving him and this will be the "last straw."
DH fears that without wife on scene, his father will spiral downward further, possibly die or do something drastic, and he'll be to blame for refusing him money.

I...don't know what to say. If we refuse him money, his blood is on our hands?

DH insists he will make clear it's a one time thing. I told DH that it's not like his dad is getting any saner or younger (or richer), but he won't hear it. He assured me this is the only time.

You are too dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you're more upset about the request than your DH is. It's his father. I think you need to take a day or two to calm down.

This. It’s not your issue, and it’s not your place to give an opinion on why he wants a relationship with his dad, whatever that may mean to him. Stay in your lane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you're more upset about the request than your DH is. It's his father. I think you need to take a day or two to calm down.

This. It’s not your issue, and it’s not your place to give an opinion on why he wants a relationship with his dad, whatever that may mean to him. Stay in your lane.

It's their family's finances, so therefore the family's "lane."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:but ... why wouldn't he pay the mechanic directly?

Both the son and the father want to keep this embarrassment "inside the family". Totally humiliating for both parties for the son to pay for the dad's car.

[Anonymous]

Right, why exactly are you shaking??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right, why exactly are you shaking??

I had a very problematic, alcoholic father. Still, i helped him financially to make sure he wasn't on the streets, had a place to live, food, erc.


My spouse, who is not a shrieking drama queen like OP, agreed it was common decency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, why exactly are you shaking??

I had a very problematic, alcoholic father. Still, i helped him financially to make sure he wasn't on the streets, had a place to live, food, erc.


My spouse, who is not a shrieking drama queen like OP, agreed it was common decency.

How nice that your spouse isn't a drama queen, as you seem like a very angry and judgmental person.

[Anonymous]

This is not going to be one time thing. Once your FIL and the wife know you guys are suckers, they're going to keep asking. It will always be an emergency, too. Doesn't sound like they are stable individuals.

But OP, if you say no, and then something happens to your husband's dad, you're going to be the bad guy. Clearly your husband is still very much emotionally involved here and while you can voice your concerns, I wouldn't stand in the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you're more upset about the request than your DH is. It's his father. I think you need to take a day or two to calm down.

This. It’s not your issue, and it’s not your place to give an opinion on why he wants a relationship with his dad, whatever that may mean to him. Stay in your lane.

Um, what? You can just run out and spend $500 (and let's face it, this isn't going to be a one time event, so it's probably going to be $$$$) and your spouse won't even ask where it went?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

What’s the point? To make your DH feel even worse? “Let” DH give him the money.

Of course not. Ugh... But this is a person who has treated DH absently for years and now comes to him with his hand out. It's money that could go to our kids' summer camp or a tutor or who knows what.
Will it break our budget, no. He has no business asking for this money.

Do you work? Or is this from the paycheck DH earns?

[Anonymous]

Doing it one time isn't a big deal, if it can make clear that you are not going to pay future bills. Then, dont, except in very rare occassions. My take here is that very very occasional asks for a small amount may be ok, but freuquent ones are a big no way. So only if you and DH can stick to your guns and maintain boundaries of respect.

It is worrying that they already tried to hit their kids up for wedding money. To me that's frivolous and it's rather dumbfounding from a parent who never helped with grocrries, college, weddings first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the input. DH is going to do this as a one-time thing. However, I suggested he pay the auto shop directly and he refused.
I guess I need to stay out of it. My real fear is what another poster said - that we become entangled in his dad's wayward finances. I told DH that he needs to make it really clear that this is a one-off.
I'm so mad at his father for putting him in this position. He has NEVER been there for DH - DH calls him a "leech".

OP, I am the poster that recommended the one-time gift. I have handed the person the money in private with a few kind words about how I hope things turn around and that it is a gift but only can be done this once. It seems to work well but obviously the giver must show that they are serious and not wishywashy.

[Anonymous]

My what a hateful bunch DCUM is. Family member asks for help and you are ready to throw down some serious hate. Someone you don't even know shows up at the southern border and you can't understand why they aren't put up in a Marriott.

Crazy world.