So upset I'm shaking - DH wayward dad asked us for money...

[Anonymous]

These threads are always so illuminating. So many people projecting their own issues on the OP, calling her names.

[Anonymous]

Pay the repair only. See what Dad says about that.

[Anonymous]

OK, DH spoke to his dad and said to never ever ask again.
FIL reduced requested amount to the minimum he'd need to pass inspections.
He said he understood and wouldn't ask again.
Oy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, DH spoke to his dad and said to never ever ask again.
FIL reduced requested amount to the minimum he'd need to pass inspections.
He said he understood and wouldn't ask again.
Oy.

Person with alcoholic dad here. I think when you both are calmer you should talk about what your end goal is here. For me, as I said, it was to make sure my dad wasn't begging on the street. I wasn't going to empty out my bank accounts for him, but I needed to figure out a way to keep him safe. In spite of everything he had done, I couldn't just abandon him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, DH spoke to his dad and said to never ever ask again.
FIL reduced requested amount to the minimum he'd need to pass inspections.
He said he understood and wouldn't ask again.
Oy.

oy, famous last words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, DH spoke to his dad and said to never ever ask again.
FIL reduced requested amount to the minimum he'd need to pass inspections.
He said he understood and wouldn't ask again.
Oy.

Person with alcoholic dad here. I think when you both are calmer you should talk about what your end goal is here. For me, as I said, it was to make sure my dad wasn't begging on the street. I wasn't going to empty out my bank accounts for him, but I needed to figure out a way to keep him safe. In spite of everything he had done, I couldn't just abandon him.

There are other ways to help an alcoholic, namely, getting him treatment. If he declines, and you continue to give him cash, you're just an enabler. AA 101

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe he asked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My what a hateful bunch DCUM is. Family member asks for help and you are ready to throw down some serious hate. Someone you don't even know shows up at the southern border and you can't understand why they aren't put up in a Marriott.

Crazy world.

Family member who abandoned his child and family, neglected his duties as a parent, and is nowhere to be seen until he needs cash money... and will probably disappear again until he needs more of it. The perfect representative of the party of family values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, DH spoke to his dad and said to never ever ask again.
FIL reduced requested amount to the minimum he'd need to pass inspections.
He said he understood and wouldn't ask again.
Oy.

That was the right thing to do. I am assuming from your original post that he was a good father for 16 years. I mention this because my drug-addicted, deadbeat BIL abandoned his children when they were 2 and 5. They have no memories of a functional male parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, DH spoke to his dad and said to never ever ask again.
FIL reduced requested amount to the minimum he'd need to pass inspections.
He said he understood and wouldn't ask again.
Oy.

Person with alcoholic dad here. I think when you both are calmer you should talk about what your end goal is here. For me, as I said, it was to make sure my dad wasn't begging on the street. I wasn't going to empty out my bank accounts for him, but I needed to figure out a way to keep him safe. In spite of everything he had done, I couldn't just abandon him.

There are other ways to help an alcoholic, namely, getting him treatment. If he declines, and you continue to give him cash, you're just an enabler. AA 101

You can’t “get an alcoholic treatment” unless they want it. THAT is AA 101. You obviously don’t have experience with this so you should not give advice to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

What does this have to do with anything? Don’t give us the blood is thicker than water crap. The relationship with dad is water; no blood was spilled to cultivate a relationship.

[Anonymous]

By giving him money, you have invited future turmoil into your lives. He will ask again. You and your H ill argue over this again and again. Bad call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

What does this have to do with anything? Don’t give us the blood is thicker than water crap. The relationship with dad is water; no blood was spilled to cultivate a relationship.

It matters because if it would cause financial strain on the family, the wife automatically should have veto power.

However, if this is something they can easily afford it should be more the husband’s decision how to handle it.