So upset I'm shaking - DH wayward dad asked us for money...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's father walked out when he was a teen to take up with a woman across the country and relinquished custodial rights.
DH saw him on vacations, et cetera, and basically his dad went from normal to a total deadbeat. Didn't pay child support. Mom could have taken him to jail but out of the kindness of her heart never did.
He is now living closer by again and has health issues. DH's sister refuses to speak to him due to all their baggage. DH sees him every now and then, talks on the phone to him, he will occasionally send our kids a card with some money. He is married for the third time to a woman with issues. She thought she was marrying into a happy family - ha! They asked all of his three children to pay for his wedding. We all refused.

She sent me a weird message last week about how depressed he is. Not sure how reliable she is. Well today he called DH while he was doing daycare pickup and asked for $500 to fix his car. I guess because the car is busted his wife can't go to work and they now have no money again.

DH came to me sheepishly asking if we could give his dad the money. My blood is boiling. This is a man who has done nothing for DH since he was 16.
I said no. Now DH is shouting at me saying I don't understand the position I'm putting him in. (Me! Not his deadbeat dad!) DH has never stepped in to talk to his dad about his health or life but is OK handing him over money (doesn't need to confront him). I think his dad made his bed and this sets a horrible precedent. But now I feel terrible that DH is upset. WWYD? Fork over money to deadbeat dad? Ugh ugh ugh.

I don't care if you can afford it or not, absolutely no way in hell should you give that deadbeat sperm-donor one red cent! Your DH feels guilty because he's his son, and because your DH is a good man. Subconsciously your DH is right back where he was when he was a kid, hoping his dad would one day show up at the front door, and start acting like a father. There's some unresolved childhood feelings there that make him even want to consider doing this.

Anyhow, NO. don't do it.

[Anonymous]

The problem is not this $500.
It's all the other $500 that will be requested later, if your husband accedes to this first request.

So perhaps you can't really afford to support his father. This is what you need to force your husband to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When your spouse has a f&$cked up parent situation you should just be always on your DH’s team and as supportive as possible. If the $500 bucks won’t mess up your month, tell him it’s his decision and you support him either way.

this is very idealistic thinking. you have to understand that once they give this man the $500, they have opened up the floodgates forever! In two months it will be a request for $300 to pay for the vet bill....$1K to pay for a medical bill. It will happen, mark my word!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The problem is not this $500.
It's all the other $500 that will be requested later, if your husband accedes to this first request.

So perhaps you can't really afford to support his father. This is what you need to force your husband to think about.

agree.

And even if OP can afford the $500, is giving someone $500 something a person should be able to do without the other spouse's agreement?

If OP wants to give $500 to her mom for whatever, should she be able to do so without her DH's agreement?

We have given more than that in the past as gifts to our respective family members, but DH and I discuss it first and agree, even if we know the other person will probably agree to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The problem is not this $500.
It's all the other $500 that will be requested later, if your husband accedes to this first request.

So perhaps you can't really afford to support his father. This is what you need to force your husband to think about.

agree.

And even if OP can afford the $500, is giving someone $500 something a person should be able to do without the other spouse's agreement?

If OP wants to give $500 to her mom for whatever, should she be able to do so without her DH's agreement?

We have given more than that in the past as gifts to our respective family members, but DH and I discuss it first and agree, even if we know the other person will probably agree to it.

Yes DH came to me and “asked” but then when I said we shouldn’t do it he freaked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The problem is not this $500.
It's all the other $500 that will be requested later, if your husband accedes to this first request.

So perhaps you can't really afford to support his father. This is what you need to force your husband to think about.

agree.

And even if OP can afford the $500, is giving someone $500 something a person should be able to do without the other spouse's agreement?

If OP wants to give $500 to her mom for whatever, should she be able to do so without her DH's agreement?

We have given more than that in the past as gifts to our respective family members, but DH and I discuss it first and agree, even if we know the other person will probably agree to it.

Yes DH came to me and “asked” but then when I said we shouldn’t do it he freaked out.

Maybe he didn't ask if he could do it, maybe he asked for your opinion. Because it seems to me he's a grown man with plenty of money and if he wants to help his dad he should. Simple.

[Anonymous]

I had a dad like this and assuming you can afford this comfortably you are really out of line. Your husband should do what works best for him (again, assuming you can afford it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The problem is not this $500.
It's all the other $500 that will be requested later, if your husband accedes to this first request.

So perhaps you can't really afford to support his father. This is what you need to force your husband to think about.

agree.

And even if OP can afford the $500, is giving someone $500 something a person should be able to do without the other spouse's agreement?

If OP wants to give $500 to her mom for whatever, should she be able to do so without her DH's agreement?

We have given more than that in the past as gifts to our respective family members, but DH and I discuss it first and agree, even if we know the other person will probably agree to it.

Yes DH came to me and “asked” but then when I said we shouldn’t do it he freaked out.

Maybe he didn't ask if he could do it, maybe he asked for your opinion. Because it seems to me he's a grown man with plenty of money and if he wants to help his dad he should. Simple.

She gave her opinion, and he didn't like it so he freaked out on her? PSA: do not ask for opinions if you don't want to hear the person's real opinion. Just go on living in la la land. Simple.

Next time, then, she should give away $500 to anyone she wants without asking her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a dad like this and assuming you can afford this comfortably you are really out of line. Your husband should do what works best for him (again, assuming you can afford it.)

Why is she out of line? He asked her; she said no. I assume OP and her DH have shared finances, otherwise, he wouldn't have asked her.

[Anonymous]

I think her DH having a relationship with the father is fine. Giving money to the father when the father was a dead beat would be my line in the sand. Boundaries need to be drawn.

[Anonymous]

If he gives him the money, he should meet him at the mechanic and pay the bill himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, please clarify, can you afford to do this?

Yeah, we can, but that isn't the point.

What’s the point? To make your DH feel even worse? “Let” DH give him the money.

I agree. You need to step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is $500 a budget buster for you? If you guys can afford it, I’d let dh decide if he wants to do it or not. Your anger at him being a deadbeat dad is anger on behalf of your dh, but at the same time you’re taking the decision away from your dh. I wouldn’t do that.

But...while $500 might not break the budget, future asks could. This is the first ask (second if you count the wedding request), it won't be the last. How willing is your DH going to be to say No in the future if its for $2,000? $5,000? $10,000?

You need to know that before agreeing to $500.

[Anonymous]

Let DH give his father the money with the stipulation that this is a one-time gift and there will not be any more financial help. I have done this successfully with several close family and household employees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is $500 a budget buster for you? If you guys can afford it, I’d let dh decide if he wants to do it or not. Your anger at him being a deadbeat dad is anger on behalf of your dh, but at the same time you’re taking the decision away from your dh. I wouldn’t do that.

But...while $500 might not break the budget, future asks could. This is the first ask (second if you count the wedding request), it won't be the last. How willing is your DH going to be to say No in the future if its for $2,000? $5,000? $10,000?

You need to know that before agreeing to $500.

It is very possible to make different decisions for subsequent requests. No one is signing in blood that if he gives him money once, he must forever give him money upon any request. I have absolutely given people money and haven't fallen victim to the slippery slope.