If I do, how horrible a human am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.

And then when it's over he is just left there with...what?

? A satisfied wife? However an O is achieved, if it is achieved, then it's something.

I think the situation is horrible, but unless he is paralyzed and unwilling to have sex in other ways, and if they have an otherwise good marriage, I think OP is risking it. I guess if she thinks PIV is waay more important than her marriage, then ok.

Sex is an important part of marriage, but so is love and commitment. If a spouse can't deal with non PIV sex due to health reasons, and the marriage is otherwise good, then IMO, that spouse is selfish, man or woman.

If they just feel like they are friends and roommates, then OP should be able to have an honest discussion with her DH about it.

You missed my point completely. I concede, he probably knows how to get her off without his D. And good for her if they work that out. What about him? Can you imagine how much worse you would feel after that? All these posters saying he should just give her oral, etc. really don't understand. He's lost his ability to engage in sex so he isn't going to do something that makes his situation even worse for him. There is nothing wrong with his head where he wouldn't get as sexually aroused as before, and now he can't do anything and she can't do anything for him. Does that sound like fun to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.

And then when it's over he is just left there with...what?

? A satisfied wife? However an O is achieved, if it is achieved, then it's something.

I think the situation is horrible, but unless he is paralyzed and unwilling to have sex in other ways, and if they have an otherwise good marriage, I think OP is risking it. I guess if she thinks PIV is waay more important than her marriage, then ok.

Sex is an important part of marriage, but so is love and commitment. If a spouse can't deal with non PIV sex due to health reasons, and the marriage is otherwise good, then IMO, that spouse is selfish, man or woman.

If they just feel like they are friends and roommates, then OP should be able to have an honest discussion with her DH about it.

You missed my point completely. I concede, he probably knows how to get her off without his D. And good for her if they work that out. What about him? Can you imagine how much worse you would feel after that? All these posters saying he should just give her oral, etc. really don't understand. He's lost his ability to engage in sex so he isn't going to do something that makes his situation even worse for him. There is nothing wrong with his head where he wouldn't get as sexually aroused as before, and now he can't do anything and she can't do anything for him. Does that sound like fun to you?

You have even less perspective.

How would OP's DH feel if she stepped out on him? Do you honestly think he'd prefer she get it elsewhere vs it being one way with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.

And then when it's over he is just left there with...what?

? A satisfied wife? However an O is achieved, if it is achieved, then it's something.

I think the situation is horrible, but unless he is paralyzed and unwilling to have sex in other ways, and if they have an otherwise good marriage, I think OP is risking it. I guess if she thinks PIV is waay more important than her marriage, then ok.

Sex is an important part of marriage, but so is love and commitment. If a spouse can't deal with non PIV sex due to health reasons, and the marriage is otherwise good, then IMO, that spouse is selfish, man or woman.

If they just feel like they are friends and roommates, then OP should be able to have an honest discussion with her DH about it.

You missed my point completely. I concede, he probably knows how to get her off without his D. And good for her if they work that out. What about him? Can you imagine how much worse you would feel after that? All these posters saying he should just give her oral, etc. really don't understand. He's lost his ability to engage in sex so he isn't going to do something that makes his situation even worse for him. There is nothing wrong with his head where he wouldn't get as sexually aroused as before, and now he can't do anything and she can't do anything for him. Does that sound like fun to you?

You have even less perspective.

How would OP's DH feel if she stepped out on him? Do you honestly think he'd prefer she get it elsewhere vs it being one way with her?

He might feel horrible, I don't know. She didn't mention asking him, telling him, or getting his permission. As for my perspective, I've been the healthy spouse in this situation and I have plenty of perspective. The spouse who can't engage sexually does not want to be an orgasm dispenser. It's probably why he hasn't offered. It's a terrible situation for both of them. I wish her luck.

[Anonymous]

Can we stop with the conjecture about what kinds of sex these people can or can't have?

Honestly, I don't think physical intimacy (or lack thereof) is the real problem here. OP, you and your spouse should be seeking some counseling or therapy to get through whether or not your marriage is going to be able to survive this new normal.

[Anonymous]

What I find hard to believe is that this subject has not come up already ... for SEVERAL YEARS? This is just crazy. You've not spoken to him about your sexual needs? And he hasn't proactively come to you about this with some kind of reasonable offer?

I am sorry but this absence of communication about such an important topic just seems soooo bizarre!

Anyway, OP assuming you have not already had some discussion on the topic by now to guide you, well at this point I have to assume he really does not care at all about your sexual needs. I find that to be a very selfish and unloving position for him to have, and it tells me that you really do not owe him any explanation about what you do (or don't do) with your normal sexual needs. He does not want ot be a part of that, and so leave him out of it entirely. Now go do what you need to do as a normal human with normal sexual needs.

[Anonymous]

if I were the husband in the scenario, I would assume she is already found someone to satisfy her needs. Seriously people, who goes months let alone years without having sex with their spouse and assumes they are also celibate to?

[Anonymous]

Permisión to go heels up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

It's not the same

- not OP

True it’s better.

No it's not. You need a better partner if you think a vibrator is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have the affair. Be discreet.

If you were a man standing by his disabled spouse, people would calling you a saint - regardless of affairs. Just make sure you don’t get pregnant.

+1 And if she was a man who shot and killed his disabled spouse newspapers would call it a mercy killing and giver him a watercolor treatment. But a woman who plans to be a caretaker for the rest of her days is a monster for wanting sex.

stop drinking so early in the day - you are completely f*ing out to lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

It's not the same

- not OP

True it’s better.

No it's not. You need a better partner if you think a vibrator is better.

You need more adventure instead of your vanilla partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love DH dearly. But, he had an accident a few years back and is disabled. We haven't "done it" in years. This is a problem the ED drugs can't fix. We have a happy sexless marriage. I miss "it". I've run into an old friend who recently divorced. I see him a few times a year - never near home. Would an occasional friend with benefits, who is fully aware of my circumstances, be a horrible thing?

Nope and wish you lived close to Annapolis as I’d be more than happy to fill the void, NSA...

Wish you luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love DH dearly.

Then no, don’t do this.

Don’t do it if you love him. Talk to him about this and come up with a solution but don’t go behind his back.

+1. Why is the only solution to have an affair? Trust is important in a marriage and you need to consider his feelings if you are married as well. You need to find a solution together. It's a compromise you need to come up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love DH dearly. But, he had an accident a few years back and is disabled. We haven't "done it" in years. This is a problem the ED drugs can't fix. We have a happy sexless marriage. I miss "it". I've run into an old friend who recently divorced. I see him a few times a year - never near home. Would an occasional friend with benefits, who is fully aware of my circumstances, be a horrible thing?

OP hasn’t been back. Is this a hypothetical situation ie a troll post? If not, then discuss with your DH. It only matters how your DH and you feel about the problem and potential solutions. Whether it’s ethically or morally wrong is irrelevant if you both agree on the solution.

[Anonymous]

OP hasn’t been back. Is this a hypothetical situation ie a troll post? If not, then discuss with your DH. It only matters how your DH and you feel about the problem and potential solutions. Whether it’s ethically or morally wrong is irrelevant if you both agree on the solution.



OP here - I have been here, reading and absorbing all of your thoughts. Thank you. To those that asked is there something "else" we can do - Yes, to a very limited degree and we tried that early on... And, to those men who suggested it would be frustrating for him, thank you for the perspective. He declared a few years back that he could do with out it. Perhaps frustration is the reason. And, frankly, trying to make it work was awkward for me too and it has just been easier to let it go. And, of course, I don't want to hurt him in any way. I love him. Hence the lack of conversation around it and my posting here.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how severe his disability is but I am guessing you are doing some heavy lifting if there is paralysis involved; in the balance of things I think you deserve to get away for an hour or two once a month or a few times a year or whatever it is that you need.

I’ve been married for 23 years and if I wasn’t able to take care of my wife I would be fine with her seeing someone occasionally as long as it didn’t threaten our marriage. Of course there is the possibility of you falling in love with whoever it is you are sleeping with, your bonding chemicals have been bound up for a while and there’s no telling what they’ll do once you are feeling someone else’s skin against yours.

OP you are obviously a good and caring person and I am sorry that this is happened to you and your husband. I don’t know what your husband was like before his accident but many times an injury or major life change can bring out the best and most generous parts of a person, I don’t suggest you speak to him about this as it would you absolutely no good but do you think he would allow you some free time to feel good again? If you think about it it could be no different then a massage.

My last note to you would be to speak to a therapist about a possible strategy that you could use to see someone and still protect your heart. I said you’ve been reading along and some of the comments here are extraordinarily small minded and most likely coming from very unhappy people.

Seeing as you are a woman you have many more options than a man would in your position, if you are the sexually adventurous type and all you’re after is some physical contact you would have a very easy time joining another couple, experienced sexually adventurous couples have a much better system of keeping boundaries and staying professional for lack of a better word- in short if you join in with swingers there is very little chance of anyone falling in love with anyone else. If a couple that you are playing with learns of your situation and how long you’ve been without pleasure you will have two people treating you like a goddess!

I wish you luck and hope you can find a discrete and fulfilling occasional playmate.