If I do, how horrible a human am I?

[Anonymous]

It could all blow up in your face in a very bad way if you do this. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

I can’t advise on whether to do this or not (I hope that in your situation I would not, but I guess no one really knows until they are in it) - BUT I would definitely advise not to do it with this man. The risk of this being more than just sex with him is way way way too high, and you must recognize that you re considering this exactly because he is an old friend with more there than just a potential physical thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t he perform orally? Use a dildo on you? Regardless, I think it’s pretty horrible to do. Spouses of those sick or disabled don’t get free passes to step-out. You handle your needs yourself and stay true to your vows or you decide your needs are more important than your marriage and you divorce.

Oh my!!! How is the weather up there on Mt. Sanctimonious? Unless you have been in OP's situation, you have no business lecturing her. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a care giver?

[Anonymous]

^^+1. Yep. To add to everything above, newly divorced people are contagious sometimes to others in challenging marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t advise on whether to do this or not (I hope that in your situation I would not, but I guess no one really knows until they are in it) - BUT I would definitely advise not to do it with this man. The risk of this being more than just sex with him is way way way too high, and you must recognize that you re considering this exactly because he is an old friend with more there than just a potential physical thing.

^^+1. Yep. To add to everything above, newly divorced people are contagious sometimes to others in challenging marriages.


Sorry for double post

[Anonymous]

Totally fine. This is DCUM, so it's always the man's fault. Therefore, cheating on him is OK.

[Anonymous]

You might want to find a support group or therapy group for similarly situated spouses. Our proximity to military hospitals leads me to believe that this is probably a not-too-uncommon issue especially for spouses of disabled veterans. No direct experience to share, but I have to believe that this is so much more complex than "should I or shouldn't I."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love DH dearly. But, he had an accident a few years back and is disabled. We haven't "done it" in years. This is a problem the ED drugs can't fix. We have a happy sexless marriage. I miss "it". I've run into an old friend who recently divorced. I see him a few times a year - never near home. Would an occasional friend with benefits, who is fully aware of my circumstances, be a horrible thing?

Not at all.

But I do recommend you bring the subject up with your DH. Don't tell him you have a FWB in mind ... see if he will OFFER to you that you can have a hall pass once in a while. You know. Let him know you love him, you'll never leave him, but you miss sex (as does he, I'm sure).

[Anonymous]

It is no different than anyone else having an affair. It is still lying, deceiving and betraying the person you say you love. It is still cheating, infidelity, disloyalty, and an affair. It could still end your marriage, destroy your husband and family, and hurt your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love DH dearly. But, he had an accident a few years back and is disabled. We haven't "done it" in years. This is a problem the ED drugs can't fix. We have a happy sexless marriage. I miss "it". I've run into an old friend who recently divorced. I see him a few times a year - never near home. Would an occasional friend with benefits, who is fully aware of my circumstances, be a horrible thing?

It's hard to answer this while talking about this like a child, no offense. WHat is "it"? More details are needed to answer the question properly. If it is just that his p*nis doesn't work anymore, and you are able to O (and the O is what is important to you) in a variety of ways, I would advise against it. Are you able to meet you sexual needs using a combination of oral, his hands, a v*brator and anything else necessary? If he is also affectionate I would think that would cover most of the benefits from sex. Not ideal, but not sexless either.

If oral or manual from him is off the table then perhaps you gotta do what you gotta do, but don't rub it in his face unless he's into that sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should do this and hell no don't tell your husband. Why would you force your loving husband to further confront the obvious, that he is physically incapable of fulfilling the most basic human need.

THE most basic human need? Um, it might be up there, but I'm pretty sure there are a few things a little higher up on that list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^+1. Yep. To add to everything above, newly divorced people are contagious sometimes to others in challenging marriages.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am shocked this isn't unanimous.

Of course you should do this and hell no don't tell your husband. Why would you force your loving husband to further confront the obvious, that he is physically incapable of fulfilling the most basic human need.

If you don't do this, you will become more resentful, your heart will continue to wander and you may end up with caregiver burnout and divorce him. How is any of that better for either of you.

Go for it, be discrete and you are already 100x the person that the naysayers on here are.

This. If I were in this situation, I would not begrudge my wife this, and also not want her to tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should do this and hell no don't tell your husband. Why would you force your loving husband to further confront the obvious, that he is physically incapable of fulfilling the most basic human need.

THE most basic human need? Um, it might be up there, but I'm pretty sure there are a few things a little higher up on that list.

Yes, it's a basic human need to want sex and human contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should do this and hell no don't tell your husband. Why would you force your loving husband to further confront the obvious, that he is physically incapable of fulfilling the most basic human need.

THE most basic human need? Um, it might be up there, but I'm pretty sure there are a few things a little higher up on that list.

Yes, it's a basic human need to want sex and human contact.

Yet in other threads, many DWs are proud of how they no longer want sex with DH and how many years they've put it off... then get mad when he seeks out an AP.