If I do, how horrible a human am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

IMO, that's pretty much saying, "go look elsewhere".

For the 100th time (and so those can hear this in the back) a sexless marriage is a de facto Open marriage. While it's a reasonable courtesy to first inform your sexless spouse that you are going elswhere, that is not required, and is no worse than the sexless spouse's failure to proactively open the marriage. Enjoy some guilt free fun with your FWB next time!

Well if this is the case, then OP and all the people stepping out shouldn’t have any issue telling their spouses what they’re doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No moral judgment here. You are in a very difficult situation. Many people who criticize believe they know what they would do, but the reality is, they are often hypocrites and/or would be humbled by what they'd do if actually in your position.

My concern for you is unintended consequences. You may ease your suffering and lack of physical intimacy but seriously complicate your situation and increase your suffering. Even if you think you can compartmentalize and just get certain needs met, you cannot truly prevent yourself from bonding with this person. Oxytocin is real, and you're going to be risking serious biochemical attachment to this person whether you want it or not. Or he with you. Further, the allure of a fairy tale is strong when you're "real" life is hard. So even if you are practical and rational and aware going on--and think you're in control--you are at huge risk.

The risk is immense and one or both of you can easily become very attached. Aside from the emotional suffering that can cause, there are all kinds of things that could happen out of that that could make your tough situation all the worse. No matter how much you think this person is trustworthy and you know him, people do really crazy things if they are attached, or when they feel rejected or betrayed.

So go forward only if you genuinely acknowledge all the risks. From the outside they are real and clear. Risk of one or both falling in love--in which case you either leave your DH, or you don't. Lots of suffering either way. Risk that your relations with this other man become public or at least known to others--are you OK if your husband finds out? Your family? Your coworkers? Neighbors? No matter how much effort you put into deception and covering, people make mistakes, and coincidences happen. You could run into someone you know, etc. Are you OK with anyone finding out?

Thanks for this, from a new poster. My wife had a medical issue about 5 years ago, and we have not had sex since then - and we are both pretty attractive and in-shape people. We do other things, but maybe only once a month - medications she takes kills her sex drive, and when something happens, I can tell she really is not into it. Otherwise, we have a great life, both successful with great kids. I have not cheated, but it is always in the back of my mind since I've always been pretty sexually active and still have a high sex drive in my mid-40s. I don't think I would ever want to cheat with someone I could grow an attachment towards - I don't want to blow up my family. I'd love a hall pass for business trips, to see an escort or something along those lines. Something that would not interfere with my evenings or weekends with the family. I agree that OP is going about this the wrong way. I don't blame her for the desire, but it should only be with a neutral 3rd party.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have certainly got a decent swath of opinions and advice. But, and this is pretty obvious advice: meeting this other dude is a very slippery slope. You could show up in a suit of armor w a chastity belt, and still slip further. As you yourself said, the potential FWB is a friend first. Why eff that up?
If you really want a FWB, that will be very easy for you to get. But, if you sneak around, behind DH, with this specific guy, somehow that seems almost doubly worse. I really, really feel for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get the sense you are coming here looking for validation for what it is clear you want to do. It seems like you broaching the topic with your husband was just a "check the box" exercise for you so that you can say you tried, when in reality you just threw the issue at him (like PP pointed out). You must know that doing this, and then having your husband find out, will destroy his self-esteem, which I imagine is already suffering. You have to find a better way to address this. Your current path is going to end up with a lot of people hurt, no matter the outcome.

[Anonymous]

OP - please update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

IMO, that's pretty much saying, "go look elsewhere".

For the 100th time (and so those can hear this in the back) a sexless marriage is a de facto Open marriage. While it's a reasonable courtesy to first inform your sexless spouse that you are going elswhere, that is not required, and is no worse than the sexless spouse's failure to proactively open the marriage. Enjoy some guilt free fun with your FWB next time!

Well if this is the case, then OP and all the people stepping out shouldn’t have any issue telling their spouses what they’re doing.

Like I said that would be a response courtesy. But it’s an even more reasonable courtesy for the sexless spouse to be the one to vocalize this. So at worst, both are equally discourteous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTH is sew-sidge

Same thing as hoag.

Hoag is not a word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, you respond with some kind, loving and clear answers. Tell him you love him and want to work through it together. Tell him that you are still attracted to him and don’t find him to be less of a man, and that intimacy doesn’t have to come down to one act. Find a sex therapist that deals with disabilities and go together.

He is (rightfully) depressed over his lack of function. Face it - most men are penis centric, and they don’t view sex in all the other ways that it can be performed and enjoyed.

You, on the other hand, are being purposefully obtuse and throwing this in his lap to solve. If you want to check out of your marriage, that’s on you solely. There are ways to work with this issue, and to work within your marriage, but you don’t really want that, do you? You want your cake and all the spoils, but you want to be able to justify it somehow so you’re not the checking out cheater that you really want to be.

NP. I've posted on other threads about my situation. My DH of 30 years has diabetes (not lifestyle related) that has left him with ED for the last 7 years or so. But, what has allowed us to maintain a strong relationship is that we still engage in intimacy. You are unfair to men by not acknowledging that they, too, recognize intimacy, desire it and benefit from it. We do a lot of other things than PIV - and don't get me wrong, I really miss PIV but I love my DH and it's him that I want even if it's less than what I used to get.

It sounds like OP's DH isn't willing to try like my DH did/does. Yet, you are pushing all responsibility onto OP. That's wrong. You have no idea how difficult it is to navigate these waters, how difficult it is to express your emotions about it without causing pain to your loved one. Not resolving this situation in a way acceptable to both partners is likely to be a relationship-buster. It's not about PIV, it's about the erosion of intimacy, communication and unmet needs. THOSE are the issues.

[Anonymous]

I would go for it with the FWB. Can't imagine having a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP here - no updates ... potential FWB is long distance. Will probably let it go. Feeling bad and don’t want to hurt anyone... But, I’m lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - no updates ... potential FWB is long distance. Will probably let it go. Feeling bad and don’t want to hurt anyone... But, I’m lonely.

10:28 here with the DH with ED. I know how you feel. It's that loneliness that will kill your marriage regardless of what you do about a FWB - and I'm not judging you because I know what it feels like to want it first and foremost with your spouse but, ultimately, you'll take it from someone. What about counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, you respond with some kind, loving and clear answers. Tell him you love him and want to work through it together. Tell him that you are still attracted to him and don’t find him to be less of a man, and that intimacy doesn’t have to come down to one act. Find a sex therapist that deals with disabilities and go together.

He is (rightfully) depressed over his lack of function. Face it - most men are penis centric, and they don’t view sex in all the other ways that it can be performed and enjoyed.

You, on the other hand, are being purposefully obtuse and throwing this in his lap to solve. If you want to check out of your marriage, that’s on you solely. There are ways to work with this issue, and to work within your marriage, but you don’t really want that, do you? You want your cake and all the spoils, but you want to be able to justify it somehow so you’re not the checking out cheater that you really want to be.

NP. I've posted on other threads about my situation. My DH of 30 years has diabetes (not lifestyle related) that has left him with ED for the last 7 years or so. But, what has allowed us to maintain a strong relationship is that we still engage in intimacy. You are unfair to men by not acknowledging that they, too, recognize intimacy, desire it and benefit from it. We do a lot of other things than PIV - and don't get me wrong, I really miss PIV but I love my DH and it's him that I want even if it's less than what I used to get.

It sounds like OP's DH isn't willing to try like my DH did/does. Yet, you are pushing all responsibility onto OP. That's wrong. You have no idea how difficult it is to navigate these waters, how difficult it is to express your emotions about it without causing pain to your loved one. Not resolving this situation in a way acceptable to both partners is likely to be a relationship-buster. It's not about PIV, it's about the erosion of intimacy, communication and unmet needs. THOSE are the issues.

Has he not tried meds?

[Anonymous]

Meds don’t fix paralysis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, you respond with some kind, loving and clear answers. Tell him you love him and want to work through it together. Tell him that you are still attracted to him and don’t find him to be less of a man, and that intimacy doesn’t have to come down to one act. Find a sex therapist that deals with disabilities and go together.

He is (rightfully) depressed over his lack of function. Face it - most men are penis centric, and they don’t view sex in all the other ways that it can be performed and enjoyed.

You, on the other hand, are being purposefully obtuse and throwing this in his lap to solve. If you want to check out of your marriage, that’s on you solely. There are ways to work with this issue, and to work within your marriage, but you don’t really want that, do you? You want your cake and all the spoils, but you want to be able to justify it somehow so you’re not the checking out cheater that you really want to be.

NP. I've posted on other threads about my situation. My DH of 30 years has diabetes (not lifestyle related) that has left him with ED for the last 7 years or so. But, what has allowed us to maintain a strong relationship is that we still engage in intimacy. You are unfair to men by not acknowledging that they, too, recognize intimacy, desire it and benefit from it. We do a lot of other things than PIV - and don't get me wrong, I really miss PIV but I love my DH and it's him that I want even if it's less than what I used to get.

It sounds like OP's DH isn't willing to try like my DH did/does. Yet, you are pushing all responsibility onto OP. That's wrong. You have no idea how difficult it is to navigate these waters, how difficult it is to express your emotions about it without causing pain to your loved one. Not resolving this situation in a way acceptable to both partners is likely to be a relationship-buster. It's not about PIV, it's about the erosion of intimacy, communication and unmet needs. THOSE are the issues.

Has he not tried meds?

PP here with the diabetic DH with ED. Yes, he's tried many medications, including shots into his penis (sounds worse than it is). Nothing has worked.

[Anonymous]

Remember the "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"? That was meant to cover this situation, not the common cold.