If I do, how horrible a human am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with Dan Savage on this topic in this instance (although I think he gives this pass too quickly) - if sleeping with this person will fulfill that need for you and allow you to stay in a committed marriage to someone you love and care for, it makes you a better partner, not worse. Of course some DH's in this situation would gladly give you a pass (or even make this your sex life - you going out and getting some and then coming home to talk about it), but I'm guessing yours isn't one of them since you didn't mention asking him.

OTOH, do not do this if recently-divorced guy is on your radar as more than a FWB, or if you think he will develop feelings and want you to leave your husband.

Man here and I agree 100% wit the above approach. If I were in that situation, I would assume this may be happening unless my wife were very old. I also think this is true the other way around. There is really no difference for the sexually interested partner between a man who can't get an erection and a woman who won't because she has lost all interest/drive, but I suspect most women on DCUM will scream "cheater, cheater" in that case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with Dan Savage on this topic in this instance (although I think he gives this pass too quickly) - if sleeping with this person will fulfill that need for you and allow you to stay in a committed marriage to someone you love and care for, it makes you a better partner, not worse. Of course some DH's in this situation would gladly give you a pass (or even make this your sex life - you going out and getting some and then coming home to talk about it), but I'm guessing yours isn't one of them since you didn't mention asking him.

OTOH, do not do this if recently-divorced guy is on your radar as more than a FWB, or if you think he will develop feelings and want you to leave your husband.

Man here and I agree 100% wit the above approach. If I were in that situation, I would assume this may be happening unless my wife were very old. I also think this is true the other way around. There is really no difference for the sexually interested partner between a man who can't get an erection and a woman who won't because she has lost all interest/drive, but I suspect most women on DCUM will scream "cheater, cheater" in that case.

I am a woman and I do say it's cheating in BOTH cases. Trust is a cornerstone in a marriage and so why not talk about it and come to a solution that both of you agree on? Otherwise, leave it up to the husband in this case on how he wants to proceed. At least he feels that he has agency in his life. What you assume will happen in your life in this situationis not what everyone would assume will happen in their life. Divorce is an option and so why cheat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with Dan Savage on this topic in this instance (although I think he gives this pass too quickly) - if sleeping with this person will fulfill that need for you and allow you to stay in a committed marriage to someone you love and care for, it makes you a better partner, not worse. Of course some DH's in this situation would gladly give you a pass (or even make this your sex life - you going out and getting some and then coming home to talk about it), but I'm guessing yours isn't one of them since you didn't mention asking him.

OTOH, do not do this if recently-divorced guy is on your radar as more than a FWB, or if you think he will develop feelings and want you to leave your husband.

Man here and I agree 100% wit the above approach. If I were in that situation, I would assume this may be happening unless my wife were very old. I also think this is true the other way around. There is really no difference for the sexually interested partner between a man who can't get an erection and a woman who won't because she has lost all interest/drive, but I suspect most women on DCUM will scream "cheater, cheater" in that case.

I am a woman and I do say it's cheating in BOTH cases. Trust is a cornerstone in a marriage and so why not talk about it and come to a solution that both of you agree on? Otherwise, leave it up to the husband in this case on how he wants to proceed. At least he feels that he has agency in his life. What you assume will happen in your life in this situationis not what everyone would assume will happen in their life. Divorce is an option and so why cheat?

I agree PP, but feel like you're either ignoring or not acknowledging the sew-sidge question (and can never remember if the S word i hyphenated! lol)

[Anonymous]

WTH is sew-sidge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTH is sew-sidge

Same thing as hoag.

[Anonymous]

Ruby. Don’t take your love to town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ruby. Don’t take your love to town.

Billy, I've Got to Go to Town

[Anonymous]

OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

OP - you have taken what are the first steps in what will soon become the bone dance with your FWB. Make sure you are careful and that FWB's wife does not find out if he is married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

IMO, that's pretty much saying, "go look elsewhere".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

OP - you have taken what are the first steps in what will soon become the bone dance with your FWB. Make sure you are careful and that FWB's wife does not find out if he is married.

He's single...

[Anonymous]

He would !!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

IMO, that's pretty much saying, "go look elsewhere".

For the 100th time (and so those can hear this in the back) a sexless marriage is a de facto Open marriage. While it's a reasonable courtesy to first inform your sexless spouse that you are going elswhere, that is not required, and is no worse than the sexless spouse's failure to proactively open the marriage. Enjoy some guilt free fun with your FWB next time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

IMO, that's pretty much saying, "go look elsewhere".

For the 100th time (and so those can hear this in the back) a sexless marriage is a de facto Open marriage. While it's a reasonable courtesy to first inform your sexless spouse that you are going elswhere, that is not required, and is no worse than the sexless spouse's failure to proactively open the marriage. Enjoy some guilt free fun with your FWB next time!

[i]

Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update: I asked DH about working on becoming more intimate. His response was to look toward his pants and say "what can I do?" When I saw potential FWB on a recent business trip, we talked and kissed (and even fully clothed it was VERY VERY hot) but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I don't want to ruin friendship with potential FWB or hurt DH. But, as potential FWB left the room, he kissed me and said he wants to pick this up where it left off, next time... It was hot and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, you respond with some kind, loving and clear answers. Tell him you love him and want to work through it together. Tell him that you are still attracted to him and don’t find him to be less of a man, and that intimacy doesn’t have to come down to one act. Find a sex therapist that deals with disabilities and go together.

He is (rightfully) depressed over his lack of function. Face it - most men are penis centric, and they don’t view sex in all the other ways that it can be performed and enjoyed.

You, on the other hand, are being purposefully obtuse and throwing this in his lap to solve. If you want to check out of your marriage, that’s on you solely. There are ways to work with this issue, and to work within your marriage, but you don’t really want that, do you? You want your cake and all the spoils, but you want to be able to justify it somehow so you’re not the checking out cheater that you really want to be.