If I do, how horrible a human am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we stop with the conjecture about what kinds of sex these people can or can't have?

Honestly, I don't think physical intimacy (or lack thereof) is the real problem here. OP, you and your spouse should be seeking some counseling or therapy to get through whether or not your marriage is going to be able to survive this new normal.

2nd post in this thread of good advice for OP. I think the other post was recommendation to find a military (or similar) support group.


Did OP check back in? I don’t see an update. Are you going to talk to him OP? What are your thoughts after all of this feedback?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.

And then when it's over he is just left there with...what?

? A satisfied wife? However an O is achieved, if it is achieved, then it's something.

I think the situation is horrible, but unless he is paralyzed and unwilling to have sex in other ways, and if they have an otherwise good marriage, I think OP is risking it. I guess if she thinks PIV is waay more important than her marriage, then ok.

Sex is an important part of marriage, but so is love and commitment. If a spouse can't deal with non PIV sex due to health reasons, and the marriage is otherwise good, then IMO, that spouse is selfish, man or woman.

If they just feel like they are friends and roommates, then OP should be able to have an honest discussion with her DH about it.

You missed my point completely. I concede, he probably knows how to get her off without his D. And good for her if they work that out. What about him? Can you imagine how much worse you would feel after that? All these posters saying he should just give her oral, etc. really don't understand. He's lost his ability to engage in sex so he isn't going to do something that makes his situation even worse for him. There is nothing wrong with his head where he wouldn't get as sexually aroused as before, and now he can't do anything and she can't do anything for him. Does that sound like fun to you?

Can you imagine how much worse he would feel knowing she was banging another man? Does that sound like fun to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.

And then when it's over he is just left there with...what?

? A satisfied wife? However an O is achieved, if it is achieved, then it's something.

I think the situation is horrible, but unless he is paralyzed and unwilling to have sex in other ways, and if they have an otherwise good marriage, I think OP is risking it. I guess if she thinks PIV is waay more important than her marriage, then ok.

Sex is an important part of marriage, but so is love and commitment. If a spouse can't deal with non PIV sex due to health reasons, and the marriage is otherwise good, then IMO, that spouse is selfish, man or woman.

If they just feel like they are friends and roommates, then OP should be able to have an honest discussion with her DH about it.

You missed my point completely. I concede, he probably knows how to get her off without his D. And good for her if they work that out. What about him? Can you imagine how much worse you would feel after that? All these posters saying he should just give her oral, etc. really don't understand. He's lost his ability to engage in sex so he isn't going to do something that makes his situation even worse for him. There is nothing wrong with his head where he wouldn't get as sexually aroused as before, and now he can't do anything and she can't do anything for him. Does that sound like fun to you?

Can you imagine how much worse he would feel knowing she was banging another man? Does that sound like fun to you?

No worse than he would dumped alone in his wheelchair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn’t been back. Is this a hypothetical situation ie a troll post? If not, then discuss with your DH. It only matters how your DH and you feel about the problem and potential solutions. Whether it’s ethically or morally wrong is irrelevant if you both agree on the solution.

OP here - I have been here, reading and absorbing all of your thoughts. Thank you. To those that asked is there something "else" we can do - Yes, to a very limited degree and we tried that early on... And, to those men who suggested it would be frustrating for him, thank you for the perspective. He declared a few years back that he could do with out it. Perhaps frustration is the reason. And, frankly, trying to make it work was awkward for me too and it has just been easier to let it go. And, of course, I don't want to hurt him in any way. I love him. Hence the lack of conversation around it and my posting here.

As you should know, marriage is not easy and it involves work and difficult conversations. This is one of those conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.

And then when it's over he is just left there with...what?

? A satisfied wife? However an O is achieved, if it is achieved, then it's something.

I think the situation is horrible, but unless he is paralyzed and unwilling to have sex in other ways, and if they have an otherwise good marriage, I think OP is risking it. I guess if she thinks PIV is waay more important than her marriage, then ok.

Sex is an important part of marriage, but so is love and commitment. If a spouse can't deal with non PIV sex due to health reasons, and the marriage is otherwise good, then IMO, that spouse is selfish, man or woman.

If they just feel like they are friends and roommates, then OP should be able to have an honest discussion with her DH about it.

You missed my point completely. I concede, he probably knows how to get her off without his D. And good for her if they work that out. What about him? Can you imagine how much worse you would feel after that? All these posters saying he should just give her oral, etc. really don't understand. He's lost his ability to engage in sex so he isn't going to do something that makes his situation even worse for him. There is nothing wrong with his head where he wouldn't get as sexually aroused as before, and now he can't do anything and she can't do anything for him. Does that sound like fun to you?

Can you imagine how much worse he would feel knowing she was banging another man? Does that sound like fun to you?

No worse than he would dumped alone in his wheelchair.

OMG such unempathetic view. How do you use the verbiage like DUMPED in the wheelchair? I wouldn’t want to use your recommendations because how you think/communicate about people is offensive to me. Clearly, the poor guy is not doing well.

[Anonymous]

I’d look into seeing a sex therapist that deals with disabilities. There are many different ways to be intimate, and there are other ways to satisfaction other than PIV. There are also other medical interventions that *may* help.

There are a few things at play, and not least of all, likely his sadness and frustration over not being able to perform, and your own feelings of dissatisfaction. This is a hard discussion that you need to resolve, lest it deteriorate into other areas of your marriage (which it may have already).

You’re not a horrible person for seeking outside intimacy, but it’s not the answer if it’s going to blow up your marriage in terms of lying, lack of communication, etc.

It sounds kind of unresolved, but remember.. this is the rest of your life. Seek professional help, even if it feels embarrassing and awkward at first. People with all kinds of disabilities, and their partners, can have very satisfying sex lives. It, like so many other things in life, takes work, commitment, and above all, communication.

[Anonymous]

To the people who insist you talk to your DH, that's what they would want if they were in his position because they assume they would work with you on a compromise.

Only you know your DH and whether a conversation will further emasculate him and make him angry, resentful and more sad about his disability. I have a somewhat similar situation and there is no way I would burden my spouse with the knowledge that I found an outside outlet that allows me to stay married and sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the people who insist you talk to your DH, that's what they would want if they were in his position because they assume they would work with you on a compromise.

Only you know your DH and whether a conversation will further emasculate him and make him angry, resentful and more sad about his disability. I have a somewhat similar situation and there is no way I would burden my spouse with the knowledge that I found an outside outlet that allows me to stay married and sane.

You don’t think that lying, being deceitful, and selfishly making the decision on your own to find a sexual partner outside the marriage might emasculate hi,, and make him sad, angry, resentful and more upset about his disability? You don’t think that he deserves to participate in the decision of how the rest of his marriage will go? Maybe there’s a compromise, maybe there isn’t, and they may need to part ways. What’s the point of being married if you’re making all the decisions that are integral to your marriage solely for yourself?

This isn’t a one night stand - OPs DH will be disabled forever, and this actually needs a solution. There are professionals that can work through this with them, offer them help to increase their own intimacy,and help work through the other feelings if stepping outside the marriage is a workable solution for the two of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the people who insist you talk to your DH, that's what they would want if they were in his position because they assume they would work with you on a compromise.

Only you know your DH and whether a conversation will further emasculate him and make him angry, resentful and more sad about his disability. I have a somewhat similar situation and there is no way I would burden my spouse with the knowledge that I found an outside outlet that allows me to stay married and sane.

You don’t think that lying, being deceitful, and selfishly making the decision on your own to find a sexual partner outside the marriage might emasculate hi,, and make him sad, angry, resentful and more upset about his disability? You don’t think that he deserves to participate in the decision of how the rest of his marriage will go? Maybe there’s a compromise, maybe there isn’t, and they may need to part ways. What’s the point of being married if you’re making all the decisions that are integral to your marriage solely for yourself?

This isn’t a one night stand - OPs DH will be disabled forever, and this actually needs a solution. There are professionals that can work through this with them, offer them help to increase their own intimacy,and help work through the other feelings if stepping outside the marriage is a workable solution for the two of them.

But they have zero intimacy and he is fine with it. It's not a situation where she can pass an STD or she is sexually spent with nothing left for him. She isn't cheating him out of anything that he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am shocked this isn't unanimous.

Me too, but I was going in the completely opposite direction.

Count me as another who feels that obviously she should do this. And I hate cheaters, but long term caregivers live a hard and giving life. She doesn't want to abandon her husband, she wants to have sex.

I'd have literally no judgement on you OP, I'd have empathy and ask I'd you needed to talk. That's a really tough spot to be in

[Anonymous]

ok this is weird coming from me because I'm not that religious, but as of late I've often thought of how wise of a lesson the Adam & Eve story is.

It's basically this: I've got this very good situation. If I push it, I may have an even better situation. Pushing it will involve some risk of losing what I have; things that I love, and there are unknown unknowns. Should I just look the other way and assume all will be fine, that I will end up with both the extra layer of benefit AND current situation unchanged?

Ok any time a story fits in that pattern...I vote no. I'm sorry OP

[Anonymous]

^^and meant to say, you are exactly looking at it from that perspective--look at your post title--it's not about potentially losing anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the people who insist you talk to your DH, that's what they would want if they were in his position because they assume they would work with you on a compromise.

Only you know your DH and whether a conversation will further emasculate him and make him angry, resentful and more sad about his disability. I have a somewhat similar situation and there is no way I would burden my spouse with the knowledge that I found an outside outlet that allows me to stay married and sane.

You don’t think that lying, being deceitful, and selfishly making the decision on your own to find a sexual partner outside the marriage might emasculate hi,, and make him sad, angry, resentful and more upset about his disability? You don’t think that he deserves to participate in the decision of how the rest of his marriage will go? Maybe there’s a compromise, maybe there isn’t, and they may need to part ways. What’s the point of being married if you’re making all the decisions that are integral to your marriage solely for yourself?

This isn’t a one night stand - OPs DH will be disabled forever, and this actually needs a solution. There are professionals that can work through this with them, offer them help to increase their own intimacy,and help work through the other feelings if stepping outside the marriage is a workable solution for the two of them.

But they have zero intimacy and he is fine with it. It's not a situation where she can pass an STD or she is sexually spent with nothing left for him. She isn't cheating him out of anything that he wants.

He likely is very unfine with it. It doesn't sound like they have talked about it in years. They tried, it was awkward so they let it go. He is the one who changed -the one with the disability so he knows he is the one making awkward and it sounds like it was pretty crushing so he said just do without.

I think they need to just talk about it again, get past the awkwardness, try new things, be creative, accept things will go wrong or not work as expected.

[Anonymous]

Why is it so wrong for OP to consider methods of getting some sew-sidge or "pure pork hoag" or whatever it's called these days. Can someone explain?

[Anonymous]

Because if you are married, this is something you both have to agree to since it’s a matter trust. Trust in a marriage is important and having an affair is not trust worthy unless the husband agrees. If the husband isn’t likely to agree, it’s even worse since you are doing it for yourself, not husband.

Go to a sex therapist and see what you can work out. Keep the trust in your marriage.