Could you be with a man who cheated

[Anonymous]

Nope. Just as I would never date someone with a criminal past, or divorced.

[Anonymous]

Let’s not feed the vitriol from the angry sexless guy.

Why take a chance to be with someone who has cheated? My stance is a definite no.

[Anonymous]

Are you married and don't want a normal active sex life with your spouse? Get a divorce. Don't want a divorce? Then look the other way.

The entitlement of some people is shocking. Sorry, but just No: you do not get to stay sexlessly married AND call your normal libido partner a cheater for saving YOUR marriage by getting sex elsewhere.

You've been argued down on your philosophy on literally every single thread you post on. The overwhelming consensus is that you are passive aggressive and incapable of taking responsibility for your own actions. No one wants to date or marry someone who lives by the philosophy of "you do something I perceive is wrong, then I'm going to do something just as heinous to you, and then blame YOU for it when I'm found out." You have bad communication and coping skills. Adulting is hard. Marriage is hard. You are not equipped for either if you live your life this way. This is almost certainly why your wife isn't having sex with you. You are incapable of taking responsibility for your own actions, and this is why you've been taking your aggression out on an anonymous chat forum for months and months.

Have you ever considered trying to address the issues that are making you so bitter? Go to therapy. If your wife won't go with you, go alone.

My prediction is that you'd rather just marinate in your anger, and you will still be here and sexless next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you married and don't want a normal active sex life with your spouse? Get a divorce. Don't want a divorce? Then look the other way.

The entitlement of some people is shocking. Sorry, but just No: you do not get to stay sexlessly married AND call your normal libido partner a cheater for saving YOUR marriage by getting sex elsewhere.

You've been argued down on your philosophy on literally every single thread you post on. The overwhelming consensus is that you are passive aggressive and incapable of taking responsibility for your own actions. No one wants to date or marry someone who lives by the philosophy of "you do something I perceive is wrong, then I'm going to do something just as heinous to you, and then blame YOU for it when I'm found out." You have bad communication and coping skills. Adulting is hard. Marriage is hard. You are not equipped for either if you live your life this way. This is almost certainly why your wife isn't having sex with you. You are incapable of taking responsibility for your own actions, and this is why you've been taking your aggression out on an anonymous chat forum for months and months.

Have you ever considered trying to address the issues that are making you so bitter? Go to therapy. If your wife won't go with you, go alone.

My prediction is that you'd rather just marinate in your anger, and you will still be here and sexless next year.

I have to agree with this prediction, not because I think angry sexless guy doesn't have a point that sometimes cheating has its root cause in sexual denial, but because he doesn't have the guts to actually cheat which is why he is mad. I say this as a man who cheated, absolutely due to continued, years long rejection, and can tell you cheating is a band aid, not some magic quid pro quo that he makes it out to be. I would much, much rather be in a healthy sexual relationship with my wife.

[Anonymous]

^ if cheating is a band aid and doesn’t fix anything, don’t do it. Divorce is an option. Are you divorced now anyway?
Point being is that once you’ve done it, your inhibitions are lowered and you have found ways to justify the cheating and so it will be easier next time.
Therefore, dating a cheater will always lead to questions/doubts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what Angry Sexless Dude is missing here is that many cheaters are actually getting regular sex from their partners, but they are turned on by the deception of cheater sex.

This is why I would never date a cheater - they've not only demonstrated a talent for lying and gaslighting, but they are also people whose "kink" is lying. Just as I'd not date someone who can only get off through cuckolding or BDSM, I won't date someone whose kink is being the excitement of the lie.

I think you are not paying attention to what I’ve actually posted and ignoring well publicized facts. I readily acknowledged SOME men with an active married sex life also cheat. But that is a tiny tiny fraction of men. The VAST majority of married men cheaters do so because of insufficient sex at home. Any threads (like this) which speak in broad terms about cheating men MUST consider the majority are sexless marriages (ie, not cheating).

[Anonymous]

Angry sexless man, please as a Christmas gift to all of us, just stop. You keep making ridiculous unsupported statements that the rest of DCUM is rejecting. You continuing to yell at us over the internet isn't going to change our minds. I'm sure we all agree that there are men that cheat because they are not getting it at home. Lots of us have views on why they might not be getting it at home. Lots of us also believe that you saying that is why "most" or the "vast majority" cheat is just wrong (and I think the fact that you keep saying that despite any research that supports that says something about your own inteligence). We have asked you to support that with evidence. You don't have any. Please just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you married and don't want a normal active sex life with your spouse? Get a divorce. Don't want a divorce? Then look the other way.

The entitlement of some people is shocking. Sorry, but just No: you do not get to stay sexlessly married AND call your normal libido partner a cheater for saving YOUR marriage by getting sex elsewhere.

You've been argued down on your philosophy on literally every single thread you post on. The overwhelming consensus is that you are passive aggressive and incapable of taking responsibility for your own actions. No one wants to date or marry someone who lives by the philosophy of "you do something I perceive is wrong, then I'm going to do something just as heinous to you, and then blame YOU for it when I'm found out." You have bad communication and coping skills. Adulting is hard. Marriage is hard. You are not equipped for either if you live your life this way. This is almost certainly why your wife isn't having sex with you. You are incapable of taking responsibility for your own actions, and this is why you've been taking your aggression out on an anonymous chat forum for months and months.

Have you ever considered trying to address the issues that are making you so bitter? Go to therapy. If your wife won't go with you, go alone.

My prediction is that you'd rather just marinate in your anger, and you will still be here and sexless next year.

Angry Sexless Guy. Please seek help. You are so angry I'm worried you are going to freak out and kill someone or have a heart attack or stroke or something. Go get a divorce. It's not the end of the world. Even if you lose money its worth it for your mental health. You've been writing the same thing for weeks and weeks. It's getting scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Would you consider dating a person (woman or man) who cheated on their spouse, and then subsequently left the spouse and their children (moving to a physically distant state) to pursue a possible new life with the affair party. Their relationship with the affair partner did not work out, and this person is currently dating a friend. What advice would you give a friend in this type of relationship situation?

No way. I would tell my friend to take the blinders off and get out of that relationship.

Any person, man or woman, who would leave their spouse, and especially their children behind and move far away to be with an affair partner is morally flawed and psychogically damaged. No rationale they offer up (not enough intimacy, support, or emotional connection) justifies abandoning their children, and leaving their spouse to raise them alone.

Co-parenting while divorced is not leaving a spouse to raise kids alone. It is leaving the spouse only.

[Anonymous]

I think it is okay to cheat if you tell your spouse you want a divorce first and start that process. I do not think it is okay if you are pretending in the marriage, cheating, and won’t make a decision to leave.

[Anonymous]

No, because I would always wonder. Honesty and loyalty are extremely important to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone, the troll has spoken with his 100% unassailable "facts". And sexless marriages are 100% the wife's fault, absolutely NO fault lies with the husband. And so, you know, as a result the poor, amazing, wonderful husband just has to cheat.

And yes, the wives of all of those amazing men literally grabbed their dicks and stuffed them into the vaginas of other women.

The REASON for cheating is the cheater making the decision to cheat. Period.

I did not ascribe any blame or fault of sexless marriage. I am simply pointing out that most men who cheat do so because of a sexless marriage. It is disingenuous to discuss cheating men without acknowledging this crucial fact. It implies that the wife is unaware, plays no role, is an innocent victim, wishes he were not cheating etc. But actually the sexless wife wants to stay married while not having (much) sex, and the ONLY possible way that can work is if the man is going elsewhere for sex. In other words, the REASON for cheating is that THE WIFE WANTS HIM TO CHEAT. This is the majority of cheating husband scenarios. And yet this thread focuses on some exceptionally rare case of an asshole selfish man who cheats despite an active sex life at home with his wife.

The thing is, you don't really know why most men cheat. Some may cheat due to a sexless marriage, sure. But just as many or more may cheat simply out of desire for variety. I've slept with many married men in my misspent youth. To a man, they reported that the wife is willing but they've lost interest because they don't want to sleep with the same woman for years, and they had options not to do so. Two had babies not long after our liaisons. So as much as it pains your argument, you want to consider that many men are either having sex at home AND outside the home, or COULD but having sex with their wives but prefer not to due to boredom. I mean wouldn't YOU be bored by the same body for thirty years, no matter how willing? Well they were too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

You don't really know why MOST men cheat. And men have been wiling to lie to their new prospects about their "sexless marriages", just to have these prospects surprised later by news of another pregnancy for the wife. Oldest story in the book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

You love to post this ad nauseam (you must get so excited whenever there’s a new thread on cheating!), but my wedding vows did not include a promise to have sexual relations frequently, nor did they define what would be the bare minimum frequency that is acceptable. My DH didn’t suggest any such terms upon which fidelity was conditioned. However, our wedding vows did include promises to have and to hold each other from that day forward, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and to love, cherish and honor each other, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live. When we exchanged rings, we pledged that the rings were signs of our love and faithfulness. Many, many people made the same or similar marriage vows, never attempted to negotiate changes to the terms of their marriage, or announced to their spouse that they were ending the marriage, before sleeping with someone else. That is cheating. You’re free to feel justified in your cheating if you’re in a sexless marriage, but you’re still a cheater.

A thread about “cheating” which ignores the #1 cause (a disinterested wife) requires at least one post to bring this back to reality.
Those vows are bidirectional. The promise of sexual fidelity comes with a promise of sexual availability. Forsaking all others is only possible between sexually active lovers. If your going to post about cheating, you must first know if they have a normal active sex life (unlikely). And if you aren’t interested in regular sex with your husband, you should divorce him... otherwise look the other way.

You don't really know what the #1 cause of cheating is. Or the #2, or #3. You simply don't have the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

A thread about “cheating” which ignores the #1 cause (a disinterested wife) requires at least one post to bring this back to reality.
Those vows are bidirectional. The promise of sexual fidelity comes with a promise of sexual availability. Forsaking all others is only possible between sexually active lovers. If your going to post about cheating, you must first know if they have a normal active sex life (unlikely). And if you aren’t interested in regular sex with your husband, you should divorce him... otherwise look the other way.

You keep posting your “facts” about most cheating resulting from sexless marriages. Please, for once, cite some reputable sources on this. The truth is that there are many men and women who cheat despite the fact that they are still having sex with their spouse. These people cheat because they are liars and they think they can get away with it, it’s as simple as that.

This is a thread about men (not women) who cheat. And the well proven fact is, MOST married men cheat for one simple reason: to get more sex which the wife does not want to have. I never claimed that "some" married men with reasonable sex at home never cheat: yes, that does happen, but is a tiny minority case barely worth having a thread. I would agree with your explanation (liars, can get away with it, etc) of those few cheating men, but again that's such a small number of men why even discuss that while ignoring the #1 reason entirely?

As to citations: 23.2% of attached men cheat https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21667234 and about 20% of marriages are sexless according to many studies https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage. It is not rocket science to see that most of these cheating men are in a sexless marriage.

No it is not a fact, let alone a "well proven" one, as if you could ever possibly ever prove anything like this.

You don't really know how tiny or large the group of men is who have reasonable sex lives at home but still cheat.

And you most certainly don't know about the number of men who simply don't wish to have sex with their wives anymore due to boredom, lack of attraction, etc. I mean it's not enough for someone to be willing to have sex, you have to find them attractive first.